Mlynn

So I have been saving up money to move out of my parents dysfunctional house. My stories are posted here so feel free to re-read them if your aren't fimiliar with my situation.

Here goes. My life has been full of turmoil. I have never had stability. I don't understand stability - and any time I become "stable" I do something to cause chaos (the only thing I've ever know) it's like I can't function unless something is wrong with my life...unless there is a crisis. I don't know why. Maybe it's because my entire childhood was a crisis - but I have realized that I crave the pain of a crisis - no matter how unhealthy that might be - it is something I haven't been able to break myself from. When I am hurt - I feel most alive. Maybe it's because I've never not felt hurt growing up - and don't know how to be "happy". Most of the time I feel very confused and crippled. I don't have direction....and if I do have direction I am afraid I can't make it work....so I sabatge that direction in favor of the old fimilar.

I have had issues in the past with self harming, self medicating, and was living a lifesytle that caused me nothing but hurt. I thought I deserved to be punised and I made sure that I was. No one ever cause me greater pain then I caused myself - the pain and the suffering that I forced myself through because I thought I was "bad" and "unworthy" and that I "deserved it" was worse then anything my parents ever did to me....or maybe they did do that to me.....maybe if they would have been better I wouldn't have felt to need to hurt myself. I don't know.

Anyhow - I have new skills for coping now. I no longer self harm....and I very rarly self medicate. I have moved on to a physically healthier (no longer harming my body) and an emotionally healthier place. I have worked through ALOT in the last year but I still feel somewhat crippled and afraid. I have been steadily employed for 6 months now. I am starting to look for apartments - but don't trust myself yet. In the past I have self-sabotaged. When my life started going good I would find a way to cause myself pain.....the subcouncious message being that I don't deserve anything good anyway. I don't know HOW to avoid that death trap now...and I am so afraid that I will fail that I don't know what to do. Seperating from my family is going to be difficult. I am going to have to be stronger than I have ever been. My mother - the last 2 times I tried to move out - went into hysteric's - even having a nervous breakdown - trying every emotional manipulation in the book - making me feel every painful sting of guilt and "betrayal" that was nessicary to keep me chained to her dysfunctional life. And it worked. I CAN'T deal with that anymore. I don't know where to get the strength from. I feel like if I had to deal with that it is going to cause me so much stress - so much emotional turmoil - that the rest of my life will start to go off the deep end - that everything else will be effected - and that I will fail (her intention - even if it isin't concious) and be forced back into the dysfunction once agian. I don't know what to do.

Here is my delima. I have animals. I rescue animals. I have multiple animals. It is difficult to find an apartment that will allow dogs and cats. I have found one. An apartment that is affordable - 2 bedroom - so I could get a roomate - and avaliable now.

My delima - I have only been working at this job for 6 months. I havn't proven to myself yet that I am capable of making it in the long run. I would like to be stably employeed for one full year (which would be a great milestone for me - it would show me that I am capable of maintaining something good for a pro-longed period of time with out sabotaging myself) before I move out. I already have 1,600 saved up so I can easily afford this apartment right now.....I just don't feel "ready" but when will I ever feel ready?

The other downfall is that this apartment is literially with in walking distance of my parents house. I know my mother will be "living" at that house anytime my father does something. I will not be far enough away to escape the day to day dysfunction. My aunt lives right down the street - and my mom is ALWAYS over her house when my dad is being an ass - crying the blues.....looking for pitty...bitching and screaming about my father (yet she will do NOTHING to change her situation and has NEVER truley acknowledged just what she put her children through by staying with an alcoholic and letting an alocholic abuse us - it's all "his fault" ....she had no controol and should be praised, loved, and coddled because she had it "worse" then us....why aren't I being HER emotional dumping ground? Her life was so much worse....she NEVER validates or acknowledges my feelings) .

I am confused and don't now what to do. Should I spend the next 6 months preparing - only to find that I can't at that time find an apartment willing to accept my pets (getting rid of them and/or leaving them is NOT an option..don't even suggest it) or should I go out an take a leap when I am financially ready but not strong enough emotionally yet - and not stable enough yet to know if it will last in the long run?

GingerM

You will feel ready when you are emotionally healthy enough that you will find a desire to escape your current situation to be so strong that it overwhelms whatever fears you may have.

I think you're doing well with your progress, you've already come a long way, so give yourself mucho credit for how far you have come, and accept that your journey of a thousand miles still has a bit more to go in it (without judgment).

If you continue down that path, you will find one day that you'd rather live out of your car than continue to live with your parents, and that it would be okay. Or you'd rather get up each morning and drink your own urine than continue to live as you are now. Then it won't matter to you how fearful you are of making a mistake, "anywhere but here" will take over. That is when you know you're ready.

My opinion only, take it for the electrons it's worth, but it seems this would not be an advantageous move for you. Aside from not feeling ready, you really won't be getting away anyway. That sort of defeats your purpose it seems, unless you are strong enough and prepared enough to set some extremely solid boundaries and tell your mom she is not allowed to just drop by, that she is only allowed to come by if she is invited, and then don't answer the door if she does drop by unannounced. This would not be an easy thing at all.

Perhaps it would be better for you to keep looking for something a little less easy for your mom to get to that still allows dogs/cats. Maybe even a small house (often rentals owned by individuals are much more lenient about critters than those owned by or managed by large property groups).

SaTiT

actaully i have a simular delimma.
Here a am older and i find myself living at my parents again.
I feel like a damn boomer rang...
Yes, that's me the damn boomer rang kid that got older and older.

It's actaully a pretty big ass cool house with all kinds of lugery.
But it's totally dysfunctional. i'm totally dysfunctional.
I feel so uncomfortable staying here.

I have alot of my belongings stored in the storage shade.
Everytime i open up that damn shade i get tired just seeing it.
All of my belongings stack and cram up to the waazoo.
i don't even know what's in there anymore. But i know i
spent a crap load of money on it. it's beyound that really,
It symblize how wacked out and dysfunctional i am.

if I clean everthing up an post it on E-bay, I'll probably
make tens of thousands...okay, I got some boxes sorted

I've been just trying to do things a little bit at a time.
I actaully made another phone call today to get my PC
send into repair...I'm pretty wack..the PC mfg. send my shipping
Over night just so everything would get expidited..
I got the box last week and did nothing to it.lol

Okay...I've trimming tree for my mother becuase she' letting me stay here.
i aviod my father like the plegue.lol
it's like a big ass job and it seem overwhelming as hell too.
it's freanken hot and my mother has a garden , garden.lol

I'm useing this trimming tree experience to get my ass or mind
into gear. I'm trimming it one branch at a time and i force myself
to go out in the heat and do the work. i got one fence line done
and a bunch more to go.

There's a pool i can always hope into. i havn't allowed myself to do
that yet for some stupid reason..my mother always tells me to
hope in the pool and cool off and relax.

I don't feel comfortable staying here. it totally screws with my head
if I think too much about it..so i just go trim the freaken trees for
the mean while.