Go Back  SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information > Friends and Family > Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents
Reload this Page >

I feel like my whole family was in a plane crash and they all died...

Blogs


Notices

I feel like my whole family was in a plane crash and they all died...

Old 09-01-2007, 07:24 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: East Coast
Posts: 9
Angry I feel like my whole family was in a plane crash and they all died...

I am new to this site as of today. And i decided to start sharing what my reality is with all of you. I have been dealing with my fathers divorce from 2 yrs ago to my mom. After 38 yrs of marriage she left him for his best friend. They all three went to church together,worked together,and were good friends. After she left my father fell into a very deep depression and stopped caring about himself. He wouldnt clean his condo,shower,barely ate, and sat in total darkness for several months...Then he started dating again when he wasnt really ready to out of complete desperation.

He didnt know how to cope with living alone and being alone after being married for 38 yrs to his HS sweetheart. So he jumped into a very unhealthy relationship with an alcoholic,racist,chain smoking,verbally abusive woman and married her 8 months later. My father never had a problem with alcohol until he met this woman. He is still trying to cope with the loss of my mother and their marriage. And the way he is choosing to do this is with drowning his sorrows in one bottle after another.

He has become a full fledged alcoholic and is now smoking cigarettes right along with her. He never in his entire life acted like this or had these addictions shall I say. They both drive drunk often and their world revolves around alcohol. I dont get along with them because of their addictions and I do not have their issues. I have told them both in the past that they both are alcoholics and need to get help. All I get back from them is that they are not alcoholics and to never say that to them ever again.

Well Im sorry but when your breakfast, lunch, and dinner consists of a liquid meal there surely is a problem. To give you an example as to how bad it has gotten...This past Christmas at my house my father called and was drunk. He was so drunk that he got into a fight with his new wife and then left the house. He drove his car totally drunk and was gone for a half hour. I then talk to him when he gets home and I say to him "Dad you cant drive while your drunk"...why did you do that?

And he said that he can do whatever he wants to do and that he would have been gone longer if he had only remembered his cell phone and wallet...I live on the East Coast and my father on the West Coast so I cant be there for him on a daily basis. I know I cant control the people or the situation they are in. And I also know that they have to be willing to recognize they have a problem and get help. Right now they are in denial and heading down a very dangerous and scary road.

I will not allow them to take me along for the ride. I had decided to cut off all contact with my father as of February 2007. I cant deal with the insanity any more. The pain is just too great for me. I recently found out from my uncle that my father is moving to a certain state in the south soon. I called my brother and he and I got into a BIG fight yesterday evening. He was told by my father to not say anything to me about them moving. He thought I had hung up on him when both of my phones had died at the same time.

I then called him back and left a message saying to him that my phones didnt die and that it wasnt nice that he told me to screw off on the answering machine.I didnt know that he had called while the phones were charging and thats when he left that horrible message on my answering machine.I have not heard from my brother since yesterday evening.I think this is some control tactic or revenge thing my father is trying to exact on me because of me not talking to him.

The strange thing is that he was not talking to my brother for a very long time and then "poof" all of a sudden he is his newest and best son ever. I think my father is looking for people to enable him and take his side with the drinking issue. My brother is using marijuana constantly and has a BIG addiction problem. So this is why I think he is siding with my brother in all of this. I just feel all alone. I do know that I am not. I am very lucky to have my wonderful husband of 14 yrs for support and love in this difficult time.

I also have an awesome son as well whom I love dearly and must protect from the rest of my family. I am glad that we live far away from them and dont have to worry about seeing and dealing with them all the time. I was just wondering if my life sounds familiar to any of you out there? This is all new to me in dealing with alcoholics and substance abusers.

My heart goes out to all of you that are struggling with whatever reality is yours. I know my reality isnt pretty right now. Im just really looking forward to seeing the light at the end of the tunnel some day and hopefully soon. Any advice,support,and or prayers are very much welcomed and appreciated at this time...Thank you ALL in advance...PhoenixRizing60...
PhoenixRizing60 is offline  
Old 09-01-2007, 08:30 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
I'm sorry for your pain. i don't have answers.
I feel I've been through a train wreak myself.
Emotionally detaching is a bit touch.
Loosing someone you love very much hurts like hell.
Everyone grieve different and react different.

As much as I hate my father sometimes. I know deep inside
there's pain in him somewhere. Through the pain that I suffered
or felt myself. It's a way of understanding or compassion ..I guess.

never the less I must move on somehow.
I reach out as much as i can to others that can understands me
through thier ESH. No, they don't have answers for me either.
But it's still healing for me. I don't feel so lost and along and I don't
have to do this alone. This is still something i need to work on everyday.

I'm much better in a lot of ways. I allow myself to cry when I need to
cry becuase it hurts like hell. At the very least I'm hoping not to hold
on to the emotional baggage more than I need to.

Life is not without pain but sufferning is optional.
Sufferning is feeling the same pain over and over again becuase one chose
not to process it. I can't blame anyone for making a chioce not to process
pain...well, it hurts like hell. You can run but you can't hide so whatever
now long that takes for a person to accept life on life's term.

it took me over two years to get over my ex-wife. And I did more
damaged in the process of running from that pain.
I sober up and it hurted like hell. I processed my lost before i can
ever learned or allow myself to truley love again.

It took me over a decade of being clean and sober to accept
my father's alcoholism and I still don't have answers and still
need a lot of healing.

As for myself, I've been told...insanity is doing the samething over and
over again and expecting a different result.
pretty much like suffering.

again, I'm sorry you have to go through this.

Last edited by SaTiT; 09-01-2007 at 08:46 PM.
SaTiT is offline  
Old 09-01-2007, 08:39 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: East Coast
Posts: 9
SaTiT,

Thank you very much for your kind words...They are very much appreciated...((((((SaTiT)))))) hugz and much love to you...
PhoenixRizing60 is offline  
Old 09-02-2007, 03:53 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
On~Fire's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Lancaster Ohio
Posts: 81
Sometimes people need to learn from their mistakes. As much as it pains me to say that. I believe that you should let your father make his own decisions as destructive or constructive as they may be. I know you have kids but hes not one of them. Im not saying that the decisions he is making are mature, responsible or for the well being of others or himself. But as you have already experienced there is no way you can control him. Hopefully he realizes whats happening. But coming out of that kind of depression i can tell you is very hard to handle, even sober. I promise his problems will not end with just putting down the bottle. But they will get worse if he gets caught drinking and driving. Im sorry either of you have to go through this. I think that a broken heart is the worst thing in the world anybody can experience. But seriously, somebody trying to controll your life at this point in your life is probably the most annoying thing. Im not saying this is the politically correct advice. Its just my sentiments. I wish your family the best. Thats a tough situation. I had my heart broken a few months ago. Thats what it took for me to get sober for the first time in 12 years. I have never felt pain like that. It pains me to hear your situation.
On~Fire is offline  
Old 09-02-2007, 11:39 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
DesertEyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,427
Blog Entries: 1
Hello there Phoenix, and welcome to this wonderful website

I'm sorry to hear that your Dad has let his depression turn into addiction. I can't even imagine how painful this must be for you. I think you are doing the best for your child and your own marriage by keeping the chaos of addiction physically distant.

I have found the program of al-anon to be wonderfuly helpful in dealing with the addictions in my own family. They have fabulous books and pamphlets filled with information and suggestions. You can find them in your local phone book. Or on the web

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

There is also a great deal of information about dealing with alcoholics right here in this forum.

http://soberrecovery.com/forums/frie...ly-alcoholics/

take a little time to read thru the "sticky" posts at the top.

I'm glad your husband is such a good support for you, that's awesome. Check out a few meetings of al-anon and see what you think. They have been a huge support for me and I think you'll find them good for you as well.

Welcome again.

Mike
DesertEyes is offline  
Old 09-02-2007, 02:58 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: East Coast
Posts: 9
OnFire,

Thank you very much for sharing your thoughts and showing me kindness,love, and support...It is all greatly appreciated...

PhoenixRizing60
PhoenixRizing60 is offline  
Old 09-02-2007, 03:01 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: East Coast
Posts: 9
DesertEyes,

Thank you very much for offering the support,love, and kindness you have shown me. It will be a long road for me but I cant wait for the day to come to see the light at the end of the tunnel with this situation...Im trying to be patient...

PhoenixRizing60
PhoenixRizing60 is offline  
Old 09-02-2007, 05:26 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Power is not having to respond
 
Wascally Wabbit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Originally Posted by PhoenixRizing60 View Post
The strange thing is that he was not talking to my brother for a very long time and then "poof" all of a sudden he is his newest and best son ever. I think my father is looking for people to enable him and take his side with the drinking issue.
This is the second thing alcoholics and drug addicts seek out: Someone to enable them, and agree with them.

You know as hard as it is to watch the most important people in our lives destroy them selves, we have to remember there isn't a thing we can do to make them quit.

I have an alcoholic mother (sober for 30 yrs) a drug addict son and xhusband.
I too feel like the plane crashed and I am the only one who survived.
But, I am thankful I didn't go down with them. They will have to make their own way in this world.

I quit enabling everyone. I now focus on my own self, and help those who are working toward a better life with out drugs and alcohol.

I am sorry you have go through this.
Wascally Wabbit is offline  
Old 09-02-2007, 06:36 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: East Coast
Posts: 9
Wascally Wabbit,

(I too feel like the plane crashed and I am the only one who survived.
But, I am thankful I didn't go down with them).

Here Here!!!! Thank you for sharing with me. And thank you also for your kind words,love, and support you have shown me...And I do feel that I am a survivor and that they didnt take me down with them. It will be a long and hard road for me but I will make it...

love,

PhoenixRizing60
PhoenixRizing60 is offline  
Old 09-11-2007, 10:57 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: East Coast
Posts: 9
****Update****

I still have not talked to my brother. Ive realized that its not in my best interests to have him in my life at this time. Maybe if both my father and my brother do get help some day then we can be a family again. But for the meantime Im not speaking to either one of them. They are both toxic to me and my family. I am still busy working on myself.I feel that I am seeing some light at the end of the tunnel but it is a long and hard road so far. I am trying to take all of this one day at a time. Because thats all any of us can do with any given situation. Im wondering which is worse in doing some soul searching. Is it worse to go thru my father being an alcoholic,my brother being a pot addict, and my mother having a gambling problem and an adulterer and there 38 yr marriage ending in divorce while your a young kid or an adult? All of this has happened to my family in the last 2 yrs of my life. Im just wondering which scenario in age would have been more painful for me? I dont know the answer to this and I probably will never know. I know that the pain is pretty bad and the losses I have suffered are HUGE...I will just keep praying for all of them and hopefully they will come to their senses some day. But at the same time I cant put my life on hold. I need to find a way to go on and live my life to the fullest. And find as much happiness and peace as I can.
PhoenixRizing60 is offline  
Old 09-11-2007, 06:15 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Power is not having to respond
 
Wascally Wabbit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
You mentioned they are both toxic to you and your family.
We certianly don't want to drink poison do we?
And, that's exactly what we do when we invite the chaos of an alcoholic into our lives.
I
You sound like you're doing better. You're doing the right thing. Keep praying and keep posting here. Posting here really helps me.
Take care.
Wascally Wabbit is offline  
Old 09-11-2007, 08:11 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: East Coast
Posts: 9
Wascally Wabbit,

Some days are better than others for me. Im just doing what I have to do to maintain my sanity if you will. I was really in the middle of alot of "chaos" trying to deal with both of them. I do know that I will be ok. Thanks for your kind words and caring about me and what I am going thru...I will keep on posting and praying. I do think Im gonna be here for a while...And yes so far the posting is helping me. Thanks again...much love to you...
PhoenixRizing60 is offline  
Old 09-11-2007, 10:34 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 13
Love is the one and only!
shinjee is offline  
Old 09-12-2007, 06:15 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
GingerM's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Im just wondering which scenario in age would have been more painful for me?
I'd guess, based on my experiences, if it had happened when you were a child (under, say 15 years of age), you would have adapted to it - which means it wouldn't have hurt as much, but it also means you would have thought of it as "normal" - something many of us ACoAs stuggle with constantly.

As an adult, it seems like you're very well grounded and know that this is not 'normal' and that it is not good for you or your family to be exposed to, but the heartache is more severe because you've lost something.

If I had to pick an option, I'd have chosen going through it as an adult. But I didn't, my family was toxic from the time I was born, and now, as I enter mid-life, I am still working hard to unlearn many very unhealthy behaviors which I had thought "everybody did". I had to completely reframe the world I live in, and separate myself psychologically from my family - or choose the other path and follow my family down that path of self destruction that has been going on for generations on both sides.

But the real answer is that it's painful no matter when you go through it (assuming you don't 'self medicate' the pain away). It's hurtful, it's demoralizing, it's just plain awful.

I wish you peace.
GingerM is offline  
Old 09-14-2007, 09:01 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Meg
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by PhoenixRizing60 View Post
****Update****

Is it worse to go thru my father being an alcoholic,my brother being a pot addict, and my mother having a gambling problem and an adulterer and there 38 yr marriage ending in divorce while your a young kid or an adult? All of this has happened to my family in the last 2 yrs of my life. Im just wondering which scenario in age would have been more painful for me? I dont know the answer to this and I probably will never know. I know that the pain is pretty bad and the losses I have suffered are HUGE...I will just keep praying for all of them and hopefully they will come to their senses some day. But at the same time I cant put my life on hold. I need to find a way to go on and live my life to the fullest. And find as much happiness and peace as I can.
I had a "normal" childhood growing up, in that my mom did not display the signs of being an alcoholic. It actually began my sophomore year of college. Although I can frame what is healthy and what is not healthy it has been extremely difficult to not look on the past and wish like crazy it could just go back to that. I find that to be the most difficult part of it happening this "late" in my life. There is more looking back than looking forward and that is NOT healthy. I honestly think this is more painful, but not more difficult to work through, than growing up like this. Unfortunately you and I know a normal and life isn't that anymore.
mcerra16 is offline  
Old 09-18-2007, 07:59 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
utopia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Second star to the right....
Posts: 845
i can empathise with your words. i have come to see it now like my family live on the moon. its cold and barren there. they can see the earth but know its a journey to get to the place of beauty and warmth but it IS possible...i have to put on my recovery suit and take my literature but i am bound to feel some space sickness when i return to earth.

here is some love (()). peace.
utopia is offline  
Old 09-18-2007, 09:10 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
DesertEyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,427
Blog Entries: 1
Originally Posted by utopia View Post
... i have come to see it now like my family live on the moon. its cold and barren there. they can see the earth but know its a journey to get to the place of beauty and warmth but it IS possible...i have to put on my recovery suit and take my literature but i am bound to feel some space sickness when i return to earth.....
oooooh utopia I _really_ like that!!! That is so _perfect_ for me, thank you for sharing that

Mike
DesertEyes is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:14 PM.