Don't understand being nice.

Old 08-25-2007, 04:18 AM
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4th star on the Right.
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Don't understand being nice.

I've just realised that a big trigger for me, is witnessing other people, being nice. I feel this rage inside me and I have to attack them and call them fakes. I don't believe anyone could possibly be nice and genuine. All I know to do is to be mean. I dont trust myself even when I may feel a feeling for someone else, I immediately tell myself I'm just kidding myself, that the world is mean and I am mean too.
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Old 08-25-2007, 06:42 AM
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Your world WAS mean. Think of it like visiting a different culture with totally different social values. In parts of Japan, it is considered rude to only refuse an offered item once - you must refuse it three times or it means you think so lowly of the offer that it doesn't need stating again. Or in some parts of Germany where drinking the entire bottle of wine means you didn't like it and is an insult to your host. Or places where you must remove your shoes and wash your feet before entering religious houses.

You've entered a new culture with new social norms. People are nice here. If you can accept that new culture for what it is, peace will come to you.
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Old 08-25-2007, 06:49 AM
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ok thanks I;ll try.
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Old 08-25-2007, 02:42 PM
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Hello Trying, I understand what you are saying and I agree with Ginger.

Usually when someone in my dysfunctional world was being "nice" they wanted something. For a long time when someone was "nice" I felt just like you do. Just pure anger. Today in my recovery world there are people, I know this and I and able to recognize for the most part who wants what and why.

But things can be different I promise you. There are nice and good people out there but for a long time we just did not know where to look for them. Recovery can help you do that.
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Old 08-26-2007, 03:30 AM
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Thanks all the replys have been helpful.
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Old 08-26-2007, 08:48 PM
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I agree with CAJ, it certainly took me a long time to realize that some people are genuinely nice. I always wondered what they wanted from me or what was in it for them. Same thing with compliments - I never could believe them. I thought the person who complimented me was after something from me (which was reinforced by me seeking out dysfunctional people without being aware that I was doing it).

It was uncomfortable at first when I started trying to simply accept that a person could give me a compliment or do something nice for me just because they wanted to. I had to sit with that discomfort for a couple of years before I could really believe it.

It's not a fast process, but it will happen if you keep trying and have the ability to sit with your own discomfort, and accept your discomfort without judging it.
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Old 08-26-2007, 10:11 PM
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Are you kidding me I wrote a poem called

"Nice Has a Hiss"
To me nice is a 4 letter word.....
To me there is a difference between being nice and good to me when someone is being nice(hiss) they do want something. When someone wants something they are usually much nicer than normal. Some people may disagree with me on this...

I have been around just gobs and gobs of people in my life and some people are so sweet naturally that is good. Then there are people who are nice cause they want something or they are trying to hook someone in. I think I have to know someone pretty good before I accept any of their gestures at face value. There are many scammers in the world and they look for people to prey upon. There are a lot of people who want to be liked and loved and scamers love to prey upon lonely, insecure people and people who believe in humanity too can be taken by them.

I believe that people are basically good. I like people a lot. Still, I know that it doesn't hurt to be careful because I did come from a very dysfunctional family and insanity often feels comfortable to me. I don't need anymore insanity than I already have in my life. So if need be I shut the door on it and niceness too cause it often leads me to a place where I feel used and hurt...

sometimes I go along with niceness just to see what someone wants...why? because I am mean as hell and I like tripping people like this up...
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Old 08-27-2007, 03:07 AM
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spledra, LOL! I agree with you...But seriously, you have point about being acting nice and being nice..for me, maybe because i do it myself, I often find myself having mother theresa days, where I believe myself to be holy, then I think, who are you kidding? LOL!
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Old 09-03-2007, 10:29 PM
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well, I don't think the world is actually totally nice or half nice.
Sometimes i just think people are totally mean. But it's a good
thing I had an opportunity to travel to different part of the world.
and people in a differnt part of the world are totally nice.

Never the less, even if the world was mean, it would be totally
wrong and unhealthy of me to be mean to myself.
I live in a climate where people bascially do whatever the hell they have
to do to get ahead.
it's all about the getting and the getting and the dog eat dog,
and getting into the rat race. And it's getting faster and faster everyday.
What kind of crazy corprate BS makes a person work 60-80 a week
just to have a title.
well, I'm not a damn rat.

actaully I had such a hard time not wanting to be a rat or mean.
i spent my first years of recovery just driving my bike out to nature.
For the first time in my life i discovered reality...not society.

I was wrack..people lied to me. None of the money, title ever brought
me any peace or true happiness...Btw, if you know my true name,
i had a reputation of being one of the meaness SOB

sorry for rambling, but recovery has taught me.
I can't give what i don't have.
it's like this....BE NICE TO YOURSELF.
it works from the inside out.
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Old 09-04-2007, 07:14 AM
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Originally Posted by SaTiT View Post

For the first time in my life i discovered reality...not society.

OH so true !
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Old 09-04-2007, 01:44 PM
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I know what you mean, Trying. I felt that way for a long time. I tried to see past the "nice" to see what somebody wanted from me. I'd been manipulated by Nice into dangerous situations so many times.

It took a long time, but now I know that there are simply some really genuinely nice people in the world.
And some who are nice because they're codependent.
And some who are nice only when they want something.
And some who aren't ever nice, even when they want something (the ones you want to hit with a cricket bat)
And everything in between.

I used to be a horrible monster. Violent, angry, and waiting for the world to make it all up to me. I am what I consider a nice person, now. I treat people the way I want to be treated, but I don't expect them to be nice in return and don't particularly care, truly.

I'm working on being a kind person, because that's the type of person I want to be remembered as; that's how I want to see myself, and so I practice it. It's between me and me, and is none of anyone else's business. And it feels strangely powerful -- as though I have the power to be strong and happy even in the face of a$$holes. Took forever, but now I believe it: there actually are some nice people in the world. And if someone turns out to NOT be genuine? Well...I kick them off me and move on as quickly and cleanly as I can. Not worth the effort, really. That's their problem, not mine.

imho, it doesn't matter if people are nice, or what their motivations are. Just nod, smile, and go on living your life and getting better. It's freeing, honestly.

GL (who's now nice)
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Old 09-06-2007, 12:47 AM
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i grew up in a family where we communicated through a lot of non verbal ways so everything was loaded with double meaning. this made me paranoid and judgemental and ultimately, fearful of others intentions and actions. one day, one step at a time i became aware this was not sane or serving me in my life so i took to the steps, the meetings. i focused on myself. esp in step 4. the rage does pass but i found for me it was misdirected rage against members of my family against people who reminded me of them. sometimes it would be just the fact that they were ALSO human...the rage for me i see today as a choice. for me. do i want to drink some poison and hop that someone else feels the burning sting of it? or do i want peace>?
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Old 09-17-2007, 04:55 PM
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there is a saying by a man that was/still is considered a monster

~Do What Thou Wilt,
Thou Shalt Be the Whole Of The Law,
Love Under Will,
Love Is The Law~ Alister Crowley

even with the troubble that i have gone thru i am a nice person, yes i get paranoid and think that ppl are just being nice to get there own way, but most part i am realy nieave about people who are being nice because they want something alway have been. i know the worl isnt all rainbows and faeries (god that would be hellish)

but we need the nastyness because without that there would be no nice

bright blessings

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