Anyone else afraid of taking care of themselves?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 62
Anyone else afraid of taking care of themselves?
For those of you who know my story by now - sorry I haven't updated in a while.
Things in life are looking up. I am employed. I am saving. I am in an ok place emotionally. I still have alot of things to work through. I have yet to go to a therapy session or an ACA meeting. As many of you know I am still living with my dysfunctional parents. Now that I have delt with the many issues that have held me back financially - I am taking small steps to build my credit. I am paying off debts from my irrisponsible "youth" (i'm only 22
. It looks like I can start to build a life for myself with in the next year if things all go as planned. I have acknowledged my dysfunctional behaviors, can identify them, and talk myself through them when those feelings creep up. I understand how I can make mistakes. I understand why, when, and what will trigger me to go down certian paths. I can help myself to avoid those toxic unhealthy reactions.
I am sick of being trapped in a situation that isin't good for me. My whole life has been about what I am going to do when I get away from here - the almighty fantasty. As that fantasy becomes a reality I find it less and less exciting.....even scary. I realize that I never learned how to take care of myself. My pareents didn't teach me the skills that people need to survive. I don't know how to do things that I need to know to survive. I don't even know what those things are that I need to know to survive. My mothers guilt over trapping us in an abusive home made her over-compensate by becoming co-dependant with her children. She never tought us the proper skills for survival.
I am so scared now. My independant self is something I have wanted forever, something I longed after, and something I thought I would never live to see. Why am I so scared now that I am working so hard and coming so close to obtaining that goal???
When I move out - I am going to be totally - utterly alone. I am going to be responsible for caring for myself. There won't be a cushion to fall back on if I fail. When I move out it has to be forever. I won't be able to go back. This HAS TO work. Thats alot of pressure. I will be harassed, manipulated, attacked, degraded, and my progress will be sabotaged when I attempt to move out. I will have to go no contact if I want my life to work out. My entire family suffers from the disease of co-dependance. Any attempt to be indapendant is seen as a direct assult on the family. After all - when I am gone - people will actually have to start looking at thier issues. My mom will be lonley, lost, depressed. I am her buffer agianst feeling those things. She uses me as a crutch. My extended family see her as weak and needing protection from my father. I am saposed to be her protecter. I am saposed to save her from herself. What type of an ungreatful bitch daughter would abandone the mother - who has done so much for her - and force her to live alone with a drunk? Why don't I use the money from my job to pay her bills and help her out? Why don't I help my mother buy a house or get an apartment so she can escape my father? It's all my responsibility. NOTHING IS MY MOTHERS RESPONSIBILITY!!!!!!!! No one cares that this has crippled me. No one cares that I have harmed myself, drugged my self, and tried to commit sucide. Infact no one knows these things. My attempts to tell them of the emotional pain that I have experience because of thier actions is met with denial and hostility - my mother and my aunts - just can't understand why I can't see how hard it was for HER - and how much more she suffered then I did. Why can't I just get over it and take care of her??? Thats whaty any good little girl would do.
Things in life are looking up. I am employed. I am saving. I am in an ok place emotionally. I still have alot of things to work through. I have yet to go to a therapy session or an ACA meeting. As many of you know I am still living with my dysfunctional parents. Now that I have delt with the many issues that have held me back financially - I am taking small steps to build my credit. I am paying off debts from my irrisponsible "youth" (i'm only 22
. It looks like I can start to build a life for myself with in the next year if things all go as planned. I have acknowledged my dysfunctional behaviors, can identify them, and talk myself through them when those feelings creep up. I understand how I can make mistakes. I understand why, when, and what will trigger me to go down certian paths. I can help myself to avoid those toxic unhealthy reactions. I am sick of being trapped in a situation that isin't good for me. My whole life has been about what I am going to do when I get away from here - the almighty fantasty. As that fantasy becomes a reality I find it less and less exciting.....even scary. I realize that I never learned how to take care of myself. My pareents didn't teach me the skills that people need to survive. I don't know how to do things that I need to know to survive. I don't even know what those things are that I need to know to survive. My mothers guilt over trapping us in an abusive home made her over-compensate by becoming co-dependant with her children. She never tought us the proper skills for survival.
I am so scared now. My independant self is something I have wanted forever, something I longed after, and something I thought I would never live to see. Why am I so scared now that I am working so hard and coming so close to obtaining that goal???
When I move out - I am going to be totally - utterly alone. I am going to be responsible for caring for myself. There won't be a cushion to fall back on if I fail. When I move out it has to be forever. I won't be able to go back. This HAS TO work. Thats alot of pressure. I will be harassed, manipulated, attacked, degraded, and my progress will be sabotaged when I attempt to move out. I will have to go no contact if I want my life to work out. My entire family suffers from the disease of co-dependance. Any attempt to be indapendant is seen as a direct assult on the family. After all - when I am gone - people will actually have to start looking at thier issues. My mom will be lonley, lost, depressed. I am her buffer agianst feeling those things. She uses me as a crutch. My extended family see her as weak and needing protection from my father. I am saposed to be her protecter. I am saposed to save her from herself. What type of an ungreatful bitch daughter would abandone the mother - who has done so much for her - and force her to live alone with a drunk? Why don't I use the money from my job to pay her bills and help her out? Why don't I help my mother buy a house or get an apartment so she can escape my father? It's all my responsibility. NOTHING IS MY MOTHERS RESPONSIBILITY!!!!!!!! No one cares that this has crippled me. No one cares that I have harmed myself, drugged my self, and tried to commit sucide. Infact no one knows these things. My attempts to tell them of the emotional pain that I have experience because of thier actions is met with denial and hostility - my mother and my aunts - just can't understand why I can't see how hard it was for HER - and how much more she suffered then I did. Why can't I just get over it and take care of her??? Thats whaty any good little girl would do.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
I'm not sure if you're venting, looking for advice or looking for support, although I'm guessing it's a bit of all three.
I'll opt for support and encouragement
The amazing thing about humans is that we will rise to the occasion. I want you to re-read the last paragraph you posted and ask yourself "How much have I already survived?"
Believe me, anything life throws at you, after what you've already lived through, will be easy. It may involve a lot of annoying phone calls and things like that, but it won't be worse than where you are now. You will learn quickly, adapt quickly and things will be fine.
You've already lived through h***, living on your own can't possibly be worse You'll make it and it will be much much easier than your fears are telling you. Give yourself credit for what you've already done.
As for the aunts and your mom - since when is it the child's responsibility to take care of the parent? Sounds kind of backwards to me. It may help to remind yourself of this (or even remind THEM of this) now and again. Your mom is an adult just like you are. She does not have to continue living the life she lives - you are getting out, she has the same option - she's just choosing not to take it for whatever reason.
You will be fine, trust me. Oh sure, there'll be rough patches, but they get smoothed out, and they smooth out much faster when you don't have the complications of a toxic family in the mix.
One day at a time.
I'll opt for support and encouragement
The amazing thing about humans is that we will rise to the occasion. I want you to re-read the last paragraph you posted and ask yourself "How much have I already survived?" Believe me, anything life throws at you, after what you've already lived through, will be easy. It may involve a lot of annoying phone calls and things like that, but it won't be worse than where you are now. You will learn quickly, adapt quickly and things will be fine.
You've already lived through h***, living on your own can't possibly be worse
You'll make it and it will be much much easier than your fears are telling you. Give yourself credit for what you've already done.As for the aunts and your mom - since when is it the child's responsibility to take care of the parent? Sounds kind of backwards to me. It may help to remind yourself of this (or even remind THEM of this) now and again. Your mom is an adult just like you are. She does not have to continue living the life she lives - you are getting out, she has the same option - she's just choosing not to take it for whatever reason.
You will be fine, trust me. Oh sure, there'll be rough patches, but they get smoothed out, and they smooth out much faster when you don't have the complications of a toxic family in the mix.
One day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 25
Mlyn,
I feel your pain. I understand. Breaking away from a co-dependent mother is so difficult. Believe me, I'm trying to do it right now. Pardon me, but I went back and read one of your previous posts, and you said your mother thinks you and her are the same person. That's so funny because my mother told my wife she thinks that she and I are a "team".
It sounds like your mother and my mother are in a similar situation. My dad is the major alcholic, and my mother became so co-depenedent she, too turned into an alcholic. I am an only child, and I was left taking care of both of them at an early age. I took care of the house, dishes, laundry, yardwork, houswork when I was in elementary school. I counseled my mother when she was drunk and depressed when I was in Jr High. I put up with my dad cheating on mom when I was 10. These are the things kids should not have to deal with. Instead of spending nights at friends houses on weekends, I was keeping the peace in the house when things got really bad. What my parents didn't know they were raising was someone who learned at an early age how to take care of other's really well.
I see in you what I saw and still see in myself. I think that if I take care of other's, everything will go well. At 32, however, I'm slowly learning that isn't the case. After going to counseling and reading tons of recovery books, I'm learning to take care of myself. And that is scary. Not that I'm afraid to take care of myself, but I just don't know how. Really, if you ask anyone but an ACOA to take care of hisself or herself, they'd say no problem. For us, on the otherhand, it's our #1 obstacle.
And I can see how you want to take the weight of the world on your back and be the protector of your mom. I see that. I know what it is like to be in your shoes. That feeling almost ruined my marraige. That feeling sucked the entire life out of me and my marraige because it was feeling of such utter hopelessness, my whole life seemed to just stop. And I was sick. Just mentally sick from worry. I wanted to get away from my parents problems so bad, but I feared the backlash from family. I always thought to myself, "How bad of a son am I to just walk out of my parents life in order to save my own? How selfish of me?" That's what held me in this whirlpool of confusion and fear.
But I did leave. Not physically. You have to understand, I moved across the country 5 years ago. I'm 3000 miles away from my parents, and I still bore the weight of their problems. The problems didn't end when I moved 5 years ago. No, I left spiritually. I told my mom over the phone that I was going to take some time, and simply not speak to her. Not because I didn't love her, but it was seriously the only thing I had left to try to make my life better. Nothing else worked. I told her I had to separate myself from their problems for a while and work out my own. As expected, she took it with rage and anger. She threw every guilt trip in the book at me. But I stayed true to myself.
I had to take control of my life, and my thoughts. I had to make everything my own. I had to ditch the fear and feelings that I was abandoning someone, because for years, I was abandoning myself. I'm 6 months into this process and I feel so much better. My parents problems are still there, but a funny thing happened. As soon as I stopped communication, they both stopped drinking. Utterly amazing. Absolutely amazing. Who knows how long it would last, but it's nice to see that because I took charge in my own life, I affected the lives of others in a positive way. And I now call, but very occasionally just to let my parents know I'm doing well.
So yes, I am afraid of taking care of myself, but it's necessary. It's painful. It's a completely back assward way of thinking for me. Completely new and refreshing idea for me, taking care of myself.
Sorry this was so long. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.
Take care and keep strong.
I feel your pain. I understand. Breaking away from a co-dependent mother is so difficult. Believe me, I'm trying to do it right now. Pardon me, but I went back and read one of your previous posts, and you said your mother thinks you and her are the same person. That's so funny because my mother told my wife she thinks that she and I are a "team".
It sounds like your mother and my mother are in a similar situation. My dad is the major alcholic, and my mother became so co-depenedent she, too turned into an alcholic. I am an only child, and I was left taking care of both of them at an early age. I took care of the house, dishes, laundry, yardwork, houswork when I was in elementary school. I counseled my mother when she was drunk and depressed when I was in Jr High. I put up with my dad cheating on mom when I was 10. These are the things kids should not have to deal with. Instead of spending nights at friends houses on weekends, I was keeping the peace in the house when things got really bad. What my parents didn't know they were raising was someone who learned at an early age how to take care of other's really well.
I see in you what I saw and still see in myself. I think that if I take care of other's, everything will go well. At 32, however, I'm slowly learning that isn't the case. After going to counseling and reading tons of recovery books, I'm learning to take care of myself. And that is scary. Not that I'm afraid to take care of myself, but I just don't know how. Really, if you ask anyone but an ACOA to take care of hisself or herself, they'd say no problem. For us, on the otherhand, it's our #1 obstacle.
And I can see how you want to take the weight of the world on your back and be the protector of your mom. I see that. I know what it is like to be in your shoes. That feeling almost ruined my marraige. That feeling sucked the entire life out of me and my marraige because it was feeling of such utter hopelessness, my whole life seemed to just stop. And I was sick. Just mentally sick from worry. I wanted to get away from my parents problems so bad, but I feared the backlash from family. I always thought to myself, "How bad of a son am I to just walk out of my parents life in order to save my own? How selfish of me?" That's what held me in this whirlpool of confusion and fear.
But I did leave. Not physically. You have to understand, I moved across the country 5 years ago. I'm 3000 miles away from my parents, and I still bore the weight of their problems. The problems didn't end when I moved 5 years ago. No, I left spiritually. I told my mom over the phone that I was going to take some time, and simply not speak to her. Not because I didn't love her, but it was seriously the only thing I had left to try to make my life better. Nothing else worked. I told her I had to separate myself from their problems for a while and work out my own. As expected, she took it with rage and anger. She threw every guilt trip in the book at me. But I stayed true to myself.
I had to take control of my life, and my thoughts. I had to make everything my own. I had to ditch the fear and feelings that I was abandoning someone, because for years, I was abandoning myself. I'm 6 months into this process and I feel so much better. My parents problems are still there, but a funny thing happened. As soon as I stopped communication, they both stopped drinking. Utterly amazing. Absolutely amazing. Who knows how long it would last, but it's nice to see that because I took charge in my own life, I affected the lives of others in a positive way. And I now call, but very occasionally just to let my parents know I'm doing well.
So yes, I am afraid of taking care of myself, but it's necessary. It's painful. It's a completely back assward way of thinking for me. Completely new and refreshing idea for me, taking care of myself.
Sorry this was so long. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.
Take care and keep strong.
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
It's always scary launching out on our own. but you will learn .
I started working and taking care of myself from I was 16 y.o. Doing things for myself is so a part of my nature now that even when I have people around me to do things for me I still want to do it myself.
You are young and your yearning for independence burns fierce.Just get yourself to the meetings as soon as you can. You will need that network of friends.
I started working and taking care of myself from I was 16 y.o. Doing things for myself is so a part of my nature now that even when I have people around me to do things for me I still want to do it myself.
You are young and your yearning for independence burns fierce.Just get yourself to the meetings as soon as you can. You will need that network of friends.
Last edited by Peter; 08-03-2007 at 08:53 PM.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
First off, at least you have someone who is allowing you to save money and live in their house. My mother threw me out in a drunken rage, with a tiny baby when I was 17. We slept in the city park all night. Alone. A terrible story I won't go in to, but it was all because of her alcoholism.
Second, nothing good I have EVER done, nor any single accomplishmentno matter how huge, to this day (I am 52) has mother recognized or given one single ounce of praise to me.
She's 77 and has sponsored hundreds. So, why does she seem to forget step 9?
Well, alanon taught me that she might never apologize for all the horrid things she did, and I could accept that, or I could go crazy insane. I chose sanity.
I do have times where it's difficult to be around her, but I can always leave. I have choices. You do to.
Have you read "Pathways to Recovery" Alanons steps traditions and concepts?
It's a real eye opener and will help you.
Second, nothing good I have EVER done, nor any single accomplishmentno matter how huge, to this day (I am 52) has mother recognized or given one single ounce of praise to me.
She's 77 and has sponsored hundreds. So, why does she seem to forget step 9?
Well, alanon taught me that she might never apologize for all the horrid things she did, and I could accept that, or I could go crazy insane. I chose sanity.
I do have times where it's difficult to be around her, but I can always leave. I have choices. You do to.
Have you read "Pathways to Recovery" Alanons steps traditions and concepts?
It's a real eye opener and will help you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
yeap a combination of both me. It's subtles at times.
I can dress , go to work, pay the bills and stuff like.
I didn't know it at the time becuase I guess we all react a little bit different
on the surface but down inside it's bascially the samething.
No matter what i did was good enough for my father. i don't really
want to get into all the details, but a lot of it wasn't pretty.
But yet for many, many years even after i sober up for 10 years.
Put my life back together and was doing great by most people's standard.
It can get a little bit confussing, becuase I'm kind of wacked.
I bascially play role of a provider so i wouldn't have to work on myself
or take care of myself...makesense ?
it's very subtle, but when I get into a funk or a depression. Or life's get
a little bit rough...just a little more of perseverence or support would get
me through.
While I seek support from recovery and that people in recovey. And my
life has gotten better in so many ways.
It's always a longing or the love of my father that I seek.
I love him very much and I don't know how to stop loving him.
I always seek approval or acceptence from my father, which hasn't happened.
it's been very difficult for me to break away from that.
i feel so much guilt, i feel like dying at times.
I hate alcohilsm...I hate what is has done to my dad.
I can dress , go to work, pay the bills and stuff like.
I didn't know it at the time becuase I guess we all react a little bit different
on the surface but down inside it's bascially the samething.
No matter what i did was good enough for my father. i don't really
want to get into all the details, but a lot of it wasn't pretty.
But yet for many, many years even after i sober up for 10 years.
Put my life back together and was doing great by most people's standard.
It can get a little bit confussing, becuase I'm kind of wacked.
I bascially play role of a provider so i wouldn't have to work on myself
or take care of myself...makesense ?
it's very subtle, but when I get into a funk or a depression. Or life's get
a little bit rough...just a little more of perseverence or support would get
me through.
While I seek support from recovery and that people in recovey. And my
life has gotten better in so many ways.
It's always a longing or the love of my father that I seek.
I love him very much and I don't know how to stop loving him.
I always seek approval or acceptence from my father, which hasn't happened.
it's been very difficult for me to break away from that.
i feel so much guilt, i feel like dying at times.
I hate alcohilsm...I hate what is has done to my dad.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
You are young, the world is at your finger tips, it is up to you, and only you to do the right thing for you.
As a child of two alcoholics, the hardest lesson I had to learn was to put me first. My mother is still drinking at age 82, she must hold the worlds record, I always check the Guiness book to see if here name is there, not yet.
One thing I have learned is to keep her an arms length away, love her, but, keep my bounderies firmly in place. If she oversteps them, I leave, I go about the business of my life.
You are now an adult, you need to make adult decisions, for you. Your mother has lived her whole life according to her own terms, what she wanted to do, you now need to do the same thing, live your life.
As a child of two alcoholics, the hardest lesson I had to learn was to put me first. My mother is still drinking at age 82, she must hold the worlds record, I always check the Guiness book to see if here name is there, not yet.
One thing I have learned is to keep her an arms length away, love her, but, keep my bounderies firmly in place. If she oversteps them, I leave, I go about the business of my life.
You are now an adult, you need to make adult decisions, for you. Your mother has lived her whole life according to her own terms, what she wanted to do, you now need to do the same thing, live your life.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Allen TX
Posts: 34
(((((((((((MLYNN))))))))))))) Wow I too grew up with 2 alcoholics parents and I too had a horrible time learning to take care of me cause I was to busy taking care of Alcoholic parents (which my mom is dead) (dad is drinking still and I have no contact with at this time) Mlynn I didn't start taking care of me till I was married my mom died and I was in alanon for 3 years..... I still have a hard time taking care of me.... But One Day At A Time and the tools of the program I am learning!!!
Hang in there Just keep coming back and you will learn to take care of you!!!
I heard in a meeting someone say You only have one of you so you gota take care of you.....
123onelove456
Hang in there Just keep coming back and you will learn to take care of you!!!
I heard in a meeting someone say You only have one of you so you gota take care of you.....
123onelove456
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
I have all the 13 traits of an ACOA. Seeing that list hurted at first
becuase it triggered a lot of emotions and my denial or defence mechenism.
it helps me to understand better. Doing an inventory of myself help me
to understand better why i do the things i do , or think like i do.
example, i have a hardtime complete projects or finishing anything i start.
90% of anything i don't complete..luckie I worked for a man that understood
that. I'm great at kick starting projects and setting everything up. So to
work on a start up crew was a win, win situation for my boss and I.
it's not so much that i'm incapable of finishing it, becuase I 've gone through
and did most of the hard work already.
There's a mental or emotional block. I'm waiting for my father to pat me
on the back. Not anyone...my father. On a subconcious on conciouse level
I'll do this. Sometimes I'll even go into self-destruction mode. I'm hoping
my father would come and save me or just love me and tell me it's okay.
But it dosn't happen, so I keep doing it over and over again hoping the
next time dad would just love me. And the results hasn't changed.
Some would term it insanity.
i can't change my father i have to change myself. Logically i can makesence
of it, but emotionally i just don't feel that way. I struggle with it.
becuase it triggered a lot of emotions and my denial or defence mechenism.
it helps me to understand better. Doing an inventory of myself help me
to understand better why i do the things i do , or think like i do.
example, i have a hardtime complete projects or finishing anything i start.
90% of anything i don't complete..luckie I worked for a man that understood
that. I'm great at kick starting projects and setting everything up. So to
work on a start up crew was a win, win situation for my boss and I.
it's not so much that i'm incapable of finishing it, becuase I 've gone through
and did most of the hard work already.
There's a mental or emotional block. I'm waiting for my father to pat me
on the back. Not anyone...my father. On a subconcious on conciouse level
I'll do this. Sometimes I'll even go into self-destruction mode. I'm hoping
my father would come and save me or just love me and tell me it's okay.
But it dosn't happen, so I keep doing it over and over again hoping the
next time dad would just love me. And the results hasn't changed.
Some would term it insanity.
i can't change my father i have to change myself. Logically i can makesence
of it, but emotionally i just don't feel that way. I struggle with it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 1
It seems like scared and excited are opposite sides of the same coin. Why are you so scared as your long-desired goal comes closer - because it's normal.
I moved out physically a long time ago, but in many ways am still working to "move out" emotionally, and find myself with similar feelings. Relieved and excited to finally be doing what my mind and heart know I need while also afraid - what if I can't really make the break? What if the change leads to more family conflict?
I'm working to find more support, learn more about what recovery is, and really reaching out for the first time. Good luck to you. Compared to living in such a draining environment everyday, the challenges of taking care of only yourself might feel easier.
I moved out physically a long time ago, but in many ways am still working to "move out" emotionally, and find myself with similar feelings. Relieved and excited to finally be doing what my mind and heart know I need while also afraid - what if I can't really make the break? What if the change leads to more family conflict?
I'm working to find more support, learn more about what recovery is, and really reaching out for the first time. Good luck to you. Compared to living in such a draining environment everyday, the challenges of taking care of only yourself might feel easier.
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