I am controled like a pupet

Old 08-01-2007, 05:21 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Fighting for happiness
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Ellelove89's Avatar
Join Date: May 2007
Location: between a rock and a hard place
Posts: 32
I am controled like a pupet

Frist off Hi all....

It took me moving away to relize that I have never been in control of my own life and even now I have to fight for control.

With my dad his drinking controled eveything....could not talk to him past 5pm or he would not be able to recall what we talked about

With my mom her moods controled everything she would tell me what to do, how to do it and how to feel while doing it. At one point I kept a weeks worth of clothes in my car so that when she would kick me out I could walk off without having to pack

I strated dating a guy who wanted to do what I wanted to do and cared out my opion and did not tell me what to do every min of the day and I had no clue what to do.

This made me start thinking that I had no life of my own and I don't think I do right now ethier but I am closer than I was a week ago.

I guess my whole point of writing this is to ask if anyone else has felt or feels this way.

I know for years being the only sober on in the house has changed the person I have become but i did not know how much intill i was given a choice
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Old 08-01-2007, 06:58 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
I am very "codependent" around people I love. Anything they want to do is fine with me.

I guess it comes from growing up believing that my wants or needs were not important enough to impose on anyone.

Just the other day I was in the ER with gastrointeritis, worried and alone.I did not feel to call anyone because it was late . I remembered thinking of the many times I have had to sit up in the ER with my friends and how it would have been nice to have someone there with me for a change. ( Of course I was severly reprimanded by my friends when they found out)

Even long after I started recovery, I never knew how I felt. If someone were to ask "How are you feeling?" I honestly could not answer because I needed someone to compare my feelings to.

Nowadays I am not so bad

12 Step recovery and counselling has helped me a great deal.
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Old 08-03-2007, 08:05 PM
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Fighting for happiness
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: between a rock and a hard place
Posts: 32

I finally fought back ... and it is all my fault no one ever controls me it is always it is always my fault that is what my mother told me

I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE... not that siting in my bedroom at 11 oclock by myself crying on a friday night isn't fun or anything

I have come to the concluetion that i will never be incontrol of my own life... todays fight was over my brithmother and how i am to never to call mom or mama or anything mother related or my mother will disown me

or in her words is can be my mother

i don't know what to do or where to go the pain is ...

i going back to college and it seems that my problems follow me or my mother dose even when my dad was **** drink if i say i need help her would drive (yes i know this was a bad idea) a plane and a train just to be by my side

in many ways my mom is the same but she has to tell me how todo everything

i don't know what to do or how to make my own choices and to get out of the control of my mother because she will not pay for college or will tell me to go backto where i came from

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