Evil Twin
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Evil Twin
There are two of me. Really!
There is the me who is confident, cheerful, supportive, helpful, positive and hopeful. And there is the me that pulls the covers over her head and hides from the world. My evil twin is mean and critical. She is self hating and has no self esteem. She is sad, cries alot and feels sorry for herself. She communicates to no one almost to the point of becoming catatonic. She feels out of step with the rest of the world.
Try as the cheerful me might, she can only keep her locked in a closet so long before she escapes. When she gets out she makes it rain outside even when the sun is shining. She can barely get out of bed.
The positive me is winning this war but is wondering...aloud...why it has to be such a war. I buy bigger and bigger padlocks to put on the closet, I play the stereo louder and louder to drown out the sad one. But she still escapes her confinment and screams louder than the music.
Each time this happens the hopeful me is left a bit shaken at what she has just experienced. My self confidence is rattled. I haven't seen my evil twin in a while. In fact I began to think maybe she left for good. She is still there tho and she is stronger than all the locks I have used. She is stronger than the self confident me because she takes control effortlessly. Is it possible she could win?
JT
There is the me who is confident, cheerful, supportive, helpful, positive and hopeful. And there is the me that pulls the covers over her head and hides from the world. My evil twin is mean and critical. She is self hating and has no self esteem. She is sad, cries alot and feels sorry for herself. She communicates to no one almost to the point of becoming catatonic. She feels out of step with the rest of the world.
Try as the cheerful me might, she can only keep her locked in a closet so long before she escapes. When she gets out she makes it rain outside even when the sun is shining. She can barely get out of bed.
The positive me is winning this war but is wondering...aloud...why it has to be such a war. I buy bigger and bigger padlocks to put on the closet, I play the stereo louder and louder to drown out the sad one. But she still escapes her confinment and screams louder than the music.
Each time this happens the hopeful me is left a bit shaken at what she has just experienced. My self confidence is rattled. I haven't seen my evil twin in a while. In fact I began to think maybe she left for good. She is still there tho and she is stronger than all the locks I have used. She is stronger than the self confident me because she takes control effortlessly. Is it possible she could win?
JT
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Join Date: Aug 2002
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No, she can't win. But instead of always trying to lock her up in the closet, maybe you should let her hang out for a while. Have you ever taken a good look at her in the mirror and told her how beautiful she is? She's not evil. She just acts out every now and then b/c she's alone and afraid.
Let her out. She can't hurt you, not the strong you. She just wants someone to listen to her, to stop ignoring her. So let her have her say and then kindly let her know how much she is loved, in spite of her antics.
(BTW, I try to keep Mini Me locked up too! But I thought maybe if you let yours out and she didn't kill you, then I could try it!!!!
)
Let her out. She can't hurt you, not the strong you. She just wants someone to listen to her, to stop ignoring her. So let her have her say and then kindly let her know how much she is loved, in spite of her antics.
(BTW, I try to keep Mini Me locked up too! But I thought maybe if you let yours out and she didn't kill you, then I could try it!!!!
)
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Dreaming Summer
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We need a support group for our inner kids
Mine hides most of the time,scared of her own shadow, and then makes an appearance just when the brave and fearless me would most like to be in charge.
phoenix
Mine hides most of the time,scared of her own shadow, and then makes an appearance just when the brave and fearless me would most like to be in charge.
phoenix
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Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: The Basement
Posts: 724
JT, are you sure you're not talking about my evil twin???? I have one of those too. The program taught me that my fear of being sad or depressed and feeling bad is what keeps her around longer. I get the overwhelming feeling like it's always going to be like this....it's never going to get better AHHHHHH
But it always does. My sponsor told me to sit in it. I spent half my life self medicating any bad feelings like I have to be happy all the time or I am going to explode. It's ok to feel bad sometimes. It's ok to stay in bed for the day every once in a while if it comforts you. How I would love to do that!!!!! Eventually, it gets better.
I know we're a lot alike when it comes to the shiny shoe syndrome and when I am going through a rough time, that part really gets me. It's almost like I have to fit a role and if I don't then there's something wrong with me. I do the same thing. I don't answer the phone. I don't want to talk to anyone. My friends in the program always give me grief for this because they tell me that's my disease talking. My sponsor says we love to isolate but that the danger is that we could keep on that track. In order to get ourselves out we have to share and reach out and let people in even if they get a glimpse of the evil twin. Those who love you love your evil twin too
But it always does. My sponsor told me to sit in it. I spent half my life self medicating any bad feelings like I have to be happy all the time or I am going to explode. It's ok to feel bad sometimes. It's ok to stay in bed for the day every once in a while if it comforts you. How I would love to do that!!!!! Eventually, it gets better.
I know we're a lot alike when it comes to the shiny shoe syndrome and when I am going through a rough time, that part really gets me. It's almost like I have to fit a role and if I don't then there's something wrong with me. I do the same thing. I don't answer the phone. I don't want to talk to anyone. My friends in the program always give me grief for this because they tell me that's my disease talking. My sponsor says we love to isolate but that the danger is that we could keep on that track. In order to get ourselves out we have to share and reach out and let people in even if they get a glimpse of the evil twin. Those who love you love your evil twin too
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That's not evil. That's survival. That twin kept you alive through some difficult times. It just doesn't know it doesn't work anymore and isn't needed. That twin comes out to protect you. You just need to teach it that you don't need protection anymore.
You're safe now when you're vulnerable.
You're safe now when you're vulnerable.
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A combination of events that throw me into deep depression is frightening. Triggers, if you will, that are difficult to avoid. When several are encountered in a short span of time it is crippling. It is humbling. Day 5 and counting. I am coming out but I am rattled.
You know MG, I think you may have made a good point. The things she whispers are things I no longer believe are true. She is obsolete. She tells me I can outrun it. She tells it is hopeless. She tries to tell me things I can do, when I know I can't fix it.
Something to ponder...as well as triggers. powerful things they are.
Hugs,
JT
You know MG, I think you may have made a good point. The things she whispers are things I no longer believe are true. She is obsolete. She tells me I can outrun it. She tells it is hopeless. She tries to tell me things I can do, when I know I can't fix it.
Something to ponder...as well as triggers. powerful things they are.
Hugs,
JT
Last edited by JT; 05-22-2003 at 05:23 AM.
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I do the same thing with shame JT. I have horrible shame attacks. All it takes is one sentence that I think I said wrong and I'm thrown into a 3 day shame attack. Being assertive is really hard for me because of this. This is when I crawl into a hole and hide and beat myself to death.
We just need to keep working on it. I think this is when we need to do a whole lot of self talk. I know mine is connected to childhood. I just haven't made the connection yet.
Hugs,
MG
We just need to keep working on it. I think this is when we need to do a whole lot of self talk. I know mine is connected to childhood. I just haven't made the connection yet.
Hugs,
MG
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Thanks for sharing that MG,
I don't think this is from childhood. I was talking to Ward last night...which I rarely do about this sort of thing...and he thinks it is overload. And I tend to agree. Several triggers at one time sent me into a tailspin.
Beavette can be a trigger. Sad but true. Anniversaries, the Beav in jail asking for things again, plus a hormone attack all at the same time. Add to that the fact that I was attempting going off the antidepressant at the same time.
If this ties into mini me I don't see it. It is big grown up me being blind sided by a bunch of stuff all at the same time.
So new plan...stay on antidepressant, natural stress relief (exercise etc) and HRT. Do you think recognizing triggers helps avoid them? I can't avoid Beavette.
I have down days from time to time but this...this was bad.
You are so good to me,
JT
I don't think this is from childhood. I was talking to Ward last night...which I rarely do about this sort of thing...and he thinks it is overload. And I tend to agree. Several triggers at one time sent me into a tailspin.
Beavette can be a trigger. Sad but true. Anniversaries, the Beav in jail asking for things again, plus a hormone attack all at the same time. Add to that the fact that I was attempting going off the antidepressant at the same time.
If this ties into mini me I don't see it. It is big grown up me being blind sided by a bunch of stuff all at the same time.
So new plan...stay on antidepressant, natural stress relief (exercise etc) and HRT. Do you think recognizing triggers helps avoid them? I can't avoid Beavette.
I have down days from time to time but this...this was bad.
You are so good to me,
JT
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Oh, that's what you are doing.
This is usually when I go rent a motel room and don't tell anyone where I am. No pager, no cell phone, and movies all day. I buy enough frozen food to fit in the little motel freezer and lots off goodies and snacks and do nothing.
It's break time. Keep your focus on the "right now". Try not to worry about anything else. This too shall pass.
Hugs,
MG
This is usually when I go rent a motel room and don't tell anyone where I am. No pager, no cell phone, and movies all day. I buy enough frozen food to fit in the little motel freezer and lots off goodies and snacks and do nothing.
It's break time. Keep your focus on the "right now". Try not to worry about anything else. This too shall pass.
Hugs,
MG
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to ACOA - We here are not our parents. We have survived them, some of us just barely. I know I have many issues from my childhood and some of them exist today. I have learned through AA that I am an alcoholic because - I AM. Whether its genetic or because of my family lifestyle - I don't know. I too have an evil twin. She hates everyone and everything, especially me and any success that I might try to achieve. I believe she comes out when I am most happy and secure. She doesn't believe that I deserve happiness. Well I DO! and I work hard for it sometimes. She tends to go back into the closet when I remind myself how far I have come and how hard I work to get there on a daily basis. I remind myself of my drinking days and how bad my life was. I don't ever want to go there, and she could bring me down if I allow it. Today I have a choice...She goes or I go. I choose to stay. I have learned to use her to remind me of how good my life can be.
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Thanks for that and I agree 100%. I spent the last 4 days in hell but what brought me to this program was about 2 years in the same hell. At least now I have the tools to get out. Like you I refuse to go back there.
I am an Anon and the things that go on around me are capable of bringing me down. After these last few days I know I am not always able to prevent that but I can at least cut it short and send it packing.
I am moderator of this forum not because of a great love for digging up the past. It is because I expressed an interest in finding the source of some of my more subtle insecurity's and defects. I have tackled the big defects and most of the time have them under lock and key. I worked hard to get where I am today. The insecurities I struggle with now are more than likely carry over's from my upbringing. That is my one and only goal.
Hugs and welcome!
JT
I am an Anon and the things that go on around me are capable of bringing me down. After these last few days I know I am not always able to prevent that but I can at least cut it short and send it packing.
I am moderator of this forum not because of a great love for digging up the past. It is because I expressed an interest in finding the source of some of my more subtle insecurity's and defects. I have tackled the big defects and most of the time have them under lock and key. I worked hard to get where I am today. The insecurities I struggle with now are more than likely carry over's from my upbringing. That is my one and only goal.
Hugs and welcome!
JT
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MG, I like what you said about survival. Its really made me think.
If the "survival twin" is the same thing as the "disease" talking to me, that throws me a bit because I've been trying so hard to ignore and dismiss the "disease" talk I've learned about in recovery. Maybe this "twin" worked for me at one stage, but she drives me nuts.
I have no idea if I'm on the right track with this or not.
If this is the case then its actually quite a relief! I've struggled to understand it for so long because I figured that was the only way to overcome it. I gave up the stuggle, which has and does work well. But I would like to understand at least a little.
Does anyone have any thoughts on this? Am I off track?
Amy
If the "survival twin" is the same thing as the "disease" talking to me, that throws me a bit because I've been trying so hard to ignore and dismiss the "disease" talk I've learned about in recovery. Maybe this "twin" worked for me at one stage, but she drives me nuts.
I have no idea if I'm on the right track with this or not.
If this is the case then its actually quite a relief! I've struggled to understand it for so long because I figured that was the only way to overcome it. I gave up the stuggle, which has and does work well. But I would like to understand at least a little.
Does anyone have any thoughts on this? Am I off track?
Amy
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Amy,
I think the evil twin is a result of personal issues/insecurities and the disease is a different animal. I think it's probably best to ignore and dismiss the disease's talking, as you are already doing. But sometimes we need to listen to the evil twin to figure out what's really going on with her.
So I guess the challenge is to learn how to differentiate b/t the evil twin and the disease!!! :saywhat?:
Hugs,
JG
I think the evil twin is a result of personal issues/insecurities and the disease is a different animal. I think it's probably best to ignore and dismiss the disease's talking, as you are already doing. But sometimes we need to listen to the evil twin to figure out what's really going on with her.
So I guess the challenge is to learn how to differentiate b/t the evil twin and the disease!!! :saywhat?:
Hugs,
JG
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Thanks MG, that was an A-HA moment for me. And Journeygirl, differentiating I think is what gets me in trouble, the disease part is so clever and I don't trust myself to be able to tell the difference, at least not yet anyway.
Thanks for your replies.
Amy
Thanks for your replies.
Amy
It is what it is!!!
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Sobriety
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This is really good. I do consider the other me 'my evil twin' . That is the one that tells me all the time that I am undeserving of sobriety and all the gifts that go with it. And when i say gifts I don't mean material, I mean being restored to sanity, the love and trust of people around me and stuff like that.
but i cannot lock her in the closet anymore. As you said JT, the locks get bigger but she finds her way out. What I need to do is show her the good in my life and convince her that we are deserving of it all. Wow- what a struggle that will be for me. She is the disease inside my head, and she does not want me to be happy.
but i cannot lock her in the closet anymore. As you said JT, the locks get bigger but she finds her way out. What I need to do is show her the good in my life and convince her that we are deserving of it all. Wow- what a struggle that will be for me. She is the disease inside my head, and she does not want me to be happy.
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Why do our evil twins try to convince us we're not deserving? Why doesn't she (or he) want us to be happy? Did she learn it from someone? Did someone tell her or manage somehow to convince her she isn't deserving of a good, happy life? Anyone have any idea when or why the evil twin came to be? 
It is what it is!!!
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Sobriety
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Mine started very young. I am the youngest of 4, they are 7, 9 and 10 years older than me. They were all planned and I was an accident. 2 of my siblings rubbed that in my face as a small kid and as stupid as it sounds that is when the part of me started believeing that I ws not worth anything cause I was never wanted anyway.
An awsome woman in a meeting told me once that I should never think that way, that a child is never brought into the world by accident, that God has planned every single birth. I wish someone would have told me that as a kid.
I know that sounds stupid, but that is the seed that was planted for me for my evil twin to start to grow.
An awsome woman in a meeting told me once that I should never think that way, that a child is never brought into the world by accident, that God has planned every single birth. I wish someone would have told me that as a kid.
I know that sounds stupid, but that is the seed that was planted for me for my evil twin to start to grow.
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I think my alcoholism gave birth to my evil twin. The deeper I got into the bottle and all the bad things that came with it, she helped me to justify why I was drinking. She made me see that I was bad and not deserving of good things in my life. The closer I got to the reality of my alcoholism, the stronger she got. She did not want me to get sober and would remind me what a rotten, undeserving person that I was. She worked with my disease to fight my sobriety. Today when she appears, I don't think that she is aware that she just makes me stronger. Today she is my reminder that I am a good person. She reminds me that I love being a woman of honor, dignity and high self-esteem. Who needs her...I do to remind me that I don't have to go back.
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