The Good things never last :(
 

Well, I haven't posted in a while. Life has been steadly improving. I have a job that I love (Hired in April) and I am doing well at...but I feel something in my self shifting. I see my behaviors but can't stop them until it's too late. I feel like something awful is about to happen to me - and I am going to wittness a train wreck - fully and totally aware that the train is coming - but not knowing how to move off the tracks. Maybe I am just venting because I am having a bad emotional day today - and tomarrow I will feel diffrentley. Who knows.

To make a long story short. I have suffered from patterns similar to Manic Depression my whole life. I don't believe it is Manic Depression (don't fit the clinical markers for it) I believe it has to do with the lack of balance as a child. When things were bad - it was literial hell- so awful that death was readily spoken of (even by my mothers who has told her children that she was going to commit sucide) as an alternitive in our household. When everyone was in denial - they played the "loving happy family" game where everything was perfect. Of course that never lasted. There was no balance. There was no reality. When I am "happy"(if I even know what that feels like) - and things are going good - things are great - the greatest they have ever been in my life....but I can never maintain it. It ALWAYS goes away. Everytime I loose the something good that I had - I fall into a deep dark hole of awful life thretning depression. I have self harmed, I have self-medicated, I have felt things on the inside that were the most awful form of totrure that could ever be inflicted upon a person - the worst pain that you can imagine - and I endangered my life on more then one occasion to attempt to numb that pain. Many times I wanted to die. I tried to die. Of course - no one ever noticed. No one said a word. The sweet innocent girl who was quite and shy, polite and punctual - could never cut herself, hide in dark corners crying, write disturbing poetry, be filled with rage, or attempt sucide. Good little girls just don't do those things - and no one saw me - even when the evidence was stairing them right in the eye - no one ever stopped to look at the poor, sad, dejected, rejected, isiolated child that kept her eyes and her voice to herself.

Things had been going really well. In the last 18 or so months sence I have discovered ACOA support - I had thought that that darkness was out of me. I thought - now that I know why I feel the way I feel and can start to begin the process of working through that pain. A large cloud of despair and hopelessness was (what I thought to be forever) lifted off my shoulders. All of the sudden thier was a light at the end of the tunnel. Sure I would have to claw my way inch by inch slowly twards that light - but it was a light none the less - one that NEVER existed before. Just that knowledge - knowing what I was, Why I was, and Who I was BECAUSE I was an ACOA....was amazing. Just learning about ACOA helped to take away alot of the pain and deperation.

Yesterday - something triggered that pain agian. I felt mentally ill for the first time in over a year. I mean I could feel myself shifting into a mental state that is not the same pain that I carry every day as an ACOA. It was something diffrent. I went out with friends yesterday - and there were alot of people there - everyone was friendly and inclusive like always.....but something in my mind kept telling me how these people didn't value me, how I wasn't good enough, then I began to feel lonley....as if I was totally disposiable to these people who I call my friends and from there I came up with EVERY reason I could think of as to WHY I wouldn't be good enough. I feel so awful. Just out of no where. I feel like I did before ACOA recovery. I am finding every flaw and using it agianst myself to hurt myself and I don't know why? Why do I want to hurt myself? What the **** is wrong with me? Anyway I was stupid enough to think that "this time" because I have some very few new coping skills (which i really don't know how to use yet anyhow) things would be diffrent. I would be able to make it on my own. I lied to myself. I really really need to get myself into therapy before I sabatoge myself agian. This just sucks. Right when things are going GREAT in my life - I isiolate, sabatoge, and create chaos. I don't know how to just be happy and prosper.

I don't think you lied to yourself. I think you set your expectations higher than was realistic and then, when you failed to meet them, you beat yourself up for it. Very typical pattern for ACoAs. You expect perfection from yourself and you weren't perfect.

Repeat after me: I am human. Humans are fallible. Therefore I am fallible (some days for me, this is a mantra and gets repeated hundreds of time in my head).

You slipped. We all do. Something triggered the slip, something reminded you of how things used to be at home. Those things at home are so deeply embedded in our psyches that sometimes we may never know what they are.

Or, using a metaphor, you fell off the recovery wagon. But you don't have to stay off it. There is hope. You can accept your own fallibility, get back on the wagon and start working your program again. You have that CHOICE, something you didn't have growing up.

Because you were "bad", you repeat the behaviors you were trained to repeat - self abuse, negative thoughts and images about yourself, putting yourself down, accusing yourself of things, LOOKING for fault so you can continue your internal diatribe against yourself. It the old tapes playing out, only since you don't have your family to say these things to you in person, you say them to yourself. You don't have to. You can choose not to. You can make a conscious effort to not continue the cycle within your own head. It's not easy, and I am by no way saying it is, but you CAN do it. It takes a lot of work.

What the **** is wrong with you? Absolutely nothing, that's what. You learned that certain behaviors/patterns in the world were "normal" (they were normal to you, even if they weren't normal to other people), and you are now trying to maintain your own personal "normalcy". I have quit trying to be "normal" and am now focussing on "healthy".

I really feel for you. We all backslide from time to time. We all have reactions where we don't know where they're coming from. We all get back on the wagon and keep on working towards healthy and peacefulness. It isn't like chicken pox - you don't just 'get over' it. It is a process which will continue for the rest of your life.

I do hope you're feeling better today, and can see things more clearly. I truly wish you all the best.

Hi mlynn, I can very much relate to what you wrote. The words of encouragement that I would offer are what I tell myself during the difficult times (like right now for me, actually), so here goes.

A couple of the slogans to focus on during these times are 'this to shall pass' and 'easy does it'. This is not forever. You have had 18 months of postive growth, that is to be celebrated! That is awesome. On the other hand, it is not reasonable to expect that we will not have difficult times. Melody Beatty does a great job of outlining this in 'Co-dependent No More'. I think she calls it 'Cycling' or recycling. The idea is that our progression very rarely takes a purely upward climb. More like an upwardly moving spiral. Times of relapes or difficulties even necessary. It is during these times that we have lessons to learn that will help us continue on our upward journey.

Try to be gentle with yourself. You are not back at the beginning. There is something in your life or yourself that needs to be worked on/learned. If we work the program, do the right things, and turn it over to our higher power at some point we will understand why we needed to spend a little more time back in the uncomfortable space. That is ok, normal, and it sounds like you are making very good progress.

Hope this is helpful. Take care.

Hey Mlynn, I'm with the others on this. I don't have any wise words I could add, just want to send you a (((( hug )))) and tell you that I'm thinking about you and praying for you every day.

Mike :)

Mlynn,

Your childhood and mine sound really similar.....and your self-sabotage is really familiar for me as well.

Remember: progress, not perfection. You are getting better. Don't expect to ever be able to brush the dirt off your hands and say, "Well, cool. That's healed." It just doesn't work that way. But we keep taking steps and overcoming one thing, then another, then another.

Do you have a counselor you can talk to - a therapist who has worked with ACoAs? I used to have a monthly appointment with one and it was the most healing thing I could've done for myself. Sliding scale, the whole deal.

Take care of yourself. You deserve the good things life is showing you right now.
Tell those voices in your head to go to he**. Thank them first, for taking the time to warn you and for trying to save you from future pain by sabotaging your actions....thank them and then show them the door. They served a purpose once in your life, but they are OLD NEWS now and you don't need them any more.

Hugs,
GL

Mlynn,

I can relate to your post. What I "hear" is a child who didn't feel safe growing up.

What I do when my "inner child" starts making noises like, "I'm not good enough, something bads going to happen....." Is to remind her, outloud if necessary that I'm an adult now, that I'm here to take care of things for her (things that maybe didn't get taken care of in the past) and that she (my inner child) doesn't need to take desperate steps to get my attention. I'm here and I love us both.

It sounds lame but it works for me.

Take Care of You!

Easeful

Thanks everyone. I think the rough patch is over for now. I think I havn't been eating right or taking care of myself, and I have been becoming somewhat of a workaholic - taking on more responsibility and extra shifts then were healthy for me. I think it was just burn out. I'm also feeling lonley because I am seeing less of my friends and family, and havn't been dating sence a major heartbreak and the realization that every man that I have ever been attracted to is - essentially - just like my father. My fear of wandering into an abusive relationship and my lack of trust in my judgement about men all seem like good logical reasons to be unattached until I am healthy - but the lonleyness that this brings is powerful and undeniable. I am not sure which option is better for me - and neither make me feel healthy, whole, or complete.

Last night I had a full blown panic attack that imobilized me for half the night. It was triggered by something small and insignifigant that happened while I was at work alone during the night shift. I went into hysterics, couldn't think straight, though I was going to die, couldn't breath, was crying and hyperventelating, was pacing back and forth, and called my boss and left an incoherant message on the voicemail. It took me about an Hour to come down - and that was only because I called my cousin(who was raised with me like a sister) who helped to talk me through it. I couldn't do a required part of my job because the attack was so powerful. I am a diffrent person when I have a Panic attack. I think back on what happened now and how I reacted and I am stumped as to why I would react like that? It doesn't seem like me - when I look back on those things when they have happened.

I have had panic attacks sence I was a toddler. I didn't know what they were back then.....but I think it was my minds way of processing my early childhood trauma. My mother though I was just afraid of the dark or had an overactive immagination or was too clingy.....but I was terified for no reason.

Panic attacks and anxiety are pretty heavily influenced by sleep cycles and proper eating habits (I am medicated for anxiety, so I've done a fair bit of research on it). Your Panic attack may have been triggered by nothing more than a build up of sleep debt and not having regular well balanced meals.

Panic attacks are horrible, I'm glad your cousin could help you through this, and I hope your boss will be okay with the message you left.

I'm glad to hear you're feeling better now. Is there any way you could work a little less, to give yourself enough time to sleep and take care of yourself?

I know for me, a little sleep goes a LONG ways in managing my anxiety.

Your normal, its okay
 

Hi, I haven't been here on this forum before but I read what you said and I wanted to say that I think your normal, more than other people. What you are explaining could be signs of bipolar but if not than just know that you are not alone. I too went through this same thing and it can get better, a lot better. When your hole life is played in a role you tend to continue that role even sub connencely, you don't know it. Sometimes people tend to put in problems when things tend to be to good or just right because they are so use to living in kayos. There is a way out, you don't have to do intense therapy, get loaded on meds or self medicate, I'm know. I am on some stress medication but that is all. You need to find yourself, soul search. When I hit that point I found that I didn't know who I was, how can I love myself if I don't know anything about myself, how to you love vanilla ice cream if you don't know what vanilla is or what it taste like? I didn't know my favorite color, hobby, place, number, anything. If I have any advice for you its to spoil yourself, and be selfish and only do things for yourself right know. It will change your hole life. Get a hole bunch of colors throw them yelling at them, what you feel, look at it for a while, take a deep breath and relax, the color that symbolizes you will be your favorite, it will difine you and it will start you on your path of finding yourself. Once you find yourself, you will have incondissional love for yourself, and you will respect yourself but most of all you will know in your heart that you diserve to live, you diserve to be free, and you diserve to be happy but most of all you will know that you are not a victim. Know your name, stand proud, remember know one can ever take that away from you. If you ever need anything, let me know, I hope I can help, remember, where there is a will there is a way and the sun will rise again, it always does. Aleks035