Giving my power away.
 

Hi I'm new to the forum. Have been sober a little while now. Alcohol isn't the issue any longer, its now me, my whole being, my dysfunctional ways.

I am just starting to see how I always put my focus on things outside of me. Sit waiting to be fixed/rescured/cured. I am begining to see how I am so afraid to connect on an intimate level with people.

I'd always felt it was others that were distant, until I said to someone that I care about that I felt they were miles and miles emotionally away from me. They replied "thats where you have put me"

I was stunned, they were right, they were right there, emotionally and all I have to do is be willing to accept that but can't.

To know that its me at times that creates the distance, shook me. I guess it was always easy to think it was others that were inable to be intimate. That way I could just get away with it.

But to see my part in it, well, I'm not sure what to do, how to do it.

Welcome to the forums.

To be able to "see your part in it" you will have to embark on a quest of self exploration that could take you back many years to your childhood. It may be best to do so with the help of a counsellor. Get some books about the acoa syndrome , there are some listed in the sticky threads at the top of this forum. If you are not aversed to 12 Step fellowship you could also find out if there are any Alanon or acoa meetings near your area.

I got over my alcoholism a long time ago but I still carry traits from my childhood dysfunction that can affect my behaviour today. Some of these dyfuntions have included a distrust of others with my feelings. I would not talk about my feelings for basically two reasons 1) I felt nobody really gave a sh*t about my stupid feelings anyway and 2) I feared that if someone really knew how I was feeling they could use it as a weapon to hurt me. I refused to make myself vulnerable and ended becoming "emotionally unavailable".

Realtionships are about trust and about taking chances with our feelings. Trust devolops when we take our chances and our feelings don't get hurt.There is no guarantee that the people we love will never hurt us but if we are unprepared to share our feelings with another then we could end up distancing ourselves from that person.

Your best weapon is "knowledge" learn as much as you can about ACOA and the recovery process and I guarantee you will be able to find some answers.