pkavanagh

When I met my now ex-wife many years ago, I was in university, and having a very difficult time. I was very depressed, anxious all the time, and feeling paralyzed with regards to getting work done, meeting people, playing music, whatever. Constantly wondering what the problem was, and unable to effect any change.

When she called me out of the blue (we had actually met about 6 years before) it was a way out, and I grabbed it. What has transpired since then is a story unto itself, but we were both the products of dysfuntional homes (to say the least), and had a difficult time together. That was 15 years ago. We could not give to each other what we were both missing, and neither of us really knew about true intimacy. We were both very co-dependant, and I have struggled through addiction issues (i am sober 2 1/2 years).

Dealing with the separation was the single most difficult period of my life. I knew that I could not use my addiction to deal with the pain and feelings, which were overwhelming. I had to feel them. And it was much more than the separation itself. I had always been willing to stay in a bad relationship, as I was sure I was unloveable and would otherwise be alone forever. I had to process and feel things that went back a long long way. I leaned on my support network - friends, family, therapist, group, and somehow lived through it, with no small thanks to my higher power.

I feel much more comfortable in my own skin than I ever have. I am sober in my recovery, I have much to be greatful for. Yet, things are still not quite right. My life feels unmanageable, I feel like I am back where I was 15 years ago. Feeling lost, stuck, anxious, afraid (of what I am not sure). Barely able to function in some ways, not being very effective or productive in my business.

But this is not a bad place to be, though it feels crappy right now. Last week I realized that I needed to work the steps on my life right now. I am powerless over these feelings, I keep thinking maybe tomorrow I will figure it out, (similar to when I was in active addiction). But I don't have the answers, and my best efforts to think my way out of it will just keep me here. What is good about it is that I have the opportunity to have all of this taken from me, as I turn it over to my higher power. I did not have the tools then, I do now. I don't know how long it will take, or what shape the changes will take, but I do believe that it is possible, I have seen it happen in my life.

I would not be in this place to have the opportunity to do this if I were not in recovery. The next step in recovery for me is to work the steps in ACOA/Al anon. Growing up with drug/alocohol addiction, abuse, fear, violience, lies, has had effects on my that I am only just beginning to understand.

But, there is an answer that does not come from me, that will be given to me, somehow, in God's time, if I continue to ask for it.

Thanks for the program, to resources like this forum, and the groups.

SaTiT

Thank for sharing PK
thats about how I feel off and on these days.
reading your post gives me alot of hope
To actaully read your experince , strength and hope
and can relate to it...kind of makes me feel sane.
like someone that really understands me...you know what i mean ?

pkavanagh

Hi Satit, glad that you could relate. I know exactly what you mean! Things are sure not perfect for me these days, but life does not feel insane, like it did for a lot of years.

I was thinking yesterday about things in my life that aren't working, and there are lots of them, and I am sure more that I am not aware of, things that seem normal given my background but are counter productive. But as I am trying to work the first three steps on my life and this _thing_/_place_/_cloud_ whatever it is that I am in, I was thinking that making a list and asking for help is a start. Not asking for something specific, but asking to have these things taken from me in whatever way my higher power deems appropriate.

That is a little scary. As has been mentioned elsewhere, be careful what you ask for. But I have to let go and let God. Things will change, they always do when I turn them over unconditionally. Unconditionally is the key for me though. For example, I might X to change in my life, but Y and Z to stay where they are! Well, that is not up to me. Whether or not the process is comfortable or easy is not up to me, and if it is not easy, there must be some lessons I have to learn.

At the same time, it seems that I pretty much get what I ask for, and what I feel I deserve, in a lot of cases. So, it seems that now is the time ask God to take from me as many difficulties as I can identify, and trust that things can and will change in a way that I currently cannot forsee, but that it will be for the better.

One thing I know for sure - when I am trying to control the outcome, things tend not to work out as well!