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don't know where I fit in....

Old 06-10-2007, 02:37 PM
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came-came to-came to believe
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don't know where I fit in....

my father left the house when I was 12-although he was "gone" a long time before that. Issues with him in general led me to the bottle, and kept me there.
I just saw this forum-and it hit me....that I never think I deserve to be here--because I feel like I really didn't even have a father—he’s “long gone” just move on.

Also, it was recently brought to my attention that "abandonment issues" could possibly be worth looking into……..UGGH—the very thought of it makes me cringe………I didn't think that any of this applied to me----or maybe I just didn't want it to..

That old tape "I'm the one with the problem-it's my fault-I'm an alcoholic—at least he left and spared everyone pain----I stayed and put everyone through hell"
that's the tape I am "comfortable" playing.......but boil it down to "he left me-I miss him why doesn't he love me" and it's nearly unbearable at times.

I believe that he is still alive and I go back and fourth on going to see him…..sometimes I think that I should see him before he moves on from this earth-weather it be for me or for him for that matter---
Then other times I am content-and at peace already-don’t need to see him to solidify that….

So I guess I am throwing this out there for some feedback. I do not enjoy opening up about this matter, but I am here to get better.

So thanks
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Old 06-10-2007, 03:12 PM
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Hey there cali, and welcome to our little corner of recovery.

Originally Posted by cali View Post
... I just saw this forum-and it hit me....that I never think I deserve to be here--because I feel like I really didn't even have a father—he’s “long gone” just move on....
Yeah the name of the forum is mis-leading. The progam of Adult Children of Alcoholics started up some 20 years ago and back then nobody had much of a clue just how insane a childs life could be. Nowadays we use the term "toxic family", and it covers a whole lot more than just drunk parents.

So yes, you are more than welcome here with the rest of us "kids"

Originally Posted by cali View Post
... Issues with him in general led me to the bottle, and kept me there....
I know I started drinking becuase as a child I was trapped in the insanity of my parents alcoholism. I _stayed_ drinking because I liked what booze did for me, I can't blame that part on my parents.

Originally Posted by cali View Post
... ……I didn't think that any of this applied to me----or maybe I just didn't want it to.....
Check out the "sticky" posts at the top of the forum. Visit your local library or bookstore and browse thru some of the recovery books for us "kids". I have met very people who find that _all_ the symptoms of ACoA apply to them, most of us are a bit of buffet

Originally Posted by cali View Post
... "I'm the one with the problem-it's my fault-I'm an alcoholic—at least he left and spared everyone pain----I stayed and put everyone through hell" ...
That's called a "twisted truth". It's "twisted" cuz it's a truth and a lie tangled up together into one. Those happen when you take a "all or nothing" explanation of reality. Those don't work, reality is _not_ all or nothing.

Originally Posted by cali View Post
... —at least he left and spared everyone pain---
That's not quite correct. A "toxic parent" cause pain whether he leaves or stays. Either way the children are damaged. That's why it's so crazy-making; there's no escape. A statement that is correct for _my_ childhood is:

"Had my toxic parents found recovery they would have spared everyong pain"

Whadya think?

Originally Posted by cali View Post
... ...-I stayed and put everyone through hell" ...
I hope you don't mind, but I looked at some of your other posts elsewhere in SoberRecovery. I see that you are working on your own recovery from alcoholism. I attend meets of AA to help me with _my_ alcoholism, and I have learned that there are several steps in that program to help me deal with the damage of _my_ drinking. I use ACoA to help me deal with the damage that was done _to_ me. I have mixed both programs, and a few good shrinks, into my own "recovery recipe".

Originally Posted by cali View Post
..."he left me-I miss him why doesn't he love me" and it's nearly unbearable at times. ...
yeah I know that one well. We call those "expectations", and there's a lot of literature on how to deal with them. The first part of Step 2 deals with expectations, and the last 6 steps taken together are all about getting rid of harmful expectations.

Originally Posted by cali View Post
... I go back and fourth on going to see him…...
As long as your feelings are confused and painful you will not be at peace with either choice. Once you have reached a point of acceptance with your past, serenity with your present, and hope for your future, then you will be able to make a decision as to whether see him again or not. If he dies before you reach that point then it is _his_ loss because he is the one who did harm to you as a child.

I never saw my biologicial parents again. They never quit using and abusing people so I decided, after a lot of my own recovery, that my life would be healthier if I kept it that way. The point is that I made that choice _after_ I got my own life in order.

Originally Posted by cali View Post
... I do not enjoy opening up about this matter, but I am here to get better....
None of us enjoy cleaing out the ***** in our heads. But once it's cleaned life is _so_ much better. I'm glad you decided to join us. You'll find this forum is a very quiet, medidative place. We survived the chaos of other people's insanity and we kind of like a little peace and tranquility now

Mike
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Old 06-10-2007, 03:35 PM
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Holy cow!
Thank you Mike-I simply was NOT expecting such a detailed piece by piece very easy to follow and understand response--WOOO HOOO!

I do have a couple of questions-
The first part of Step 2 deals with expectations, and the last 6 steps taken together are all about getting rid of harmful expectations.
~are these the basically the same 12 steps that AA is based on?


~are there specific meetings for this--if so what are they called?

I am in shock LOL
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Old 06-10-2007, 05:32 PM
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this is amazing to me--I am reading through the threads--
I just didn't know....that so many people have alcoholic parents...
and suffered immeasurably....was it denial on my end?
Did I know but I couldn't look?

I referred to al-anon in another thread as "the other program"
and got blasted for it...little does that person know, I didn't feel worthy to even type it within the context of the thread and situation....

all righty then, guess I have more issues then I thought I did.
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Old 06-10-2007, 08:36 PM
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Originally Posted by cali View Post
...are these the basically the same 12 steps that AA is based on?...
Yup, _very_ similar.

Originally Posted by cali View Post
...~are there specific meetings for this--if so what are they called?...
Adult Children of Alcoholics

http://www.adultchildren.org/

Meetings vary. In the larger cities there's independent meets _just_ for ACoA. In the smaller cities and towns they have merged into al-anon. Some al-anon meets have "topic meets" for ACoA, sometimes there's sessions at the conventions, and sometimes they just mix the two into a single meet. You'll have to shop around.

Originally Posted by cali View Post
...this is amazing to me--I am reading through the threads--
I just didn't know....that so many people have alcoholic parents...
and suffered immeasurably....was it denial on my end?
Did I know but I couldn't look?
Does it matter? You're here now and we're glad you found us.

Originally Posted by cali View Post
...I referred to al-anon in another thread as "the other program" and got blasted for it...
hmmm... lesseee. Who loves an alcoholic when they are unlovable? an al-anon. Who has hope for an alcoholic when they are hopeless? an al-anon. Who bails them out of jail, pays their rent, calls their boss with excuses, raises their kids, works two and three jobs to make rent and _still_ loves an alcoholic? an al-anon.

So let 'em blast al-anon. See who picks 'em outta the gutter next time

Mike
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Old 07-25-2007, 04:48 PM
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I posted this in another forum because that's really the only place I post lately however I remember coming here and making the original post about my father so I wanted to give an update to my situation-I went to see my father whom I have not seen since 1992 and before that it was 1982 so there were long gaps. I simply am going to copy and paste--here it goes
My visit went as well as I could have ever hoped for. Thank you all so much for your concern and kind words.

I went to see my father, whom I had not seen in many years. He is an alcoholic and left many years ago. He was very frail but he has not had a drink in about 6 years. My mother came with me. We were able to sit with him and tell him that we speak of him often and that he is missed, and loved.
We sat and shared where we are with our lives, and he did say “alcohol sure did ruin my life”. I knew while I was there that the most important thing at this stage in the game to make sure that he knows that he is loved, and forgiven. Through our sharing, I believe that he does now know this.

I embrace him for the person that he is today, not who he was yesterday.
There were pictures of my sisters and I all about his apartment. I know he has loved all of us over the years in whatever capacity he was capable of.

We all hugged and shared smiles, not tears at the end of our time together. I left there knowing that if I never see him again, I will remember forever the bittersweet meeting with this man that I have longed for my whole life.

God has granted me freedom from my bondage of guilt and heartache surrounding my dad.

I can let go and know that we did the next right thing—to simply love someone who so needs it.

Instead of resenting and pushing away, we forgave and pulled close.

I know now that walking in forgiveness and love will allow me to stay in the light.
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