I'm new to this...

Old 06-05-2007, 08:16 PM
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Question I'm new to this...

Hi all,

I'm new to this so not really sure how it all works. My dad is an alcoholic at the age of 56, and apparently has been for my entire life. As of about 2 years ago, I'm finally realizing it. A couple of major events have occurred which brought me to my senses. He comes from a very religious family and therefore at dinners with them he always drank tea, or coke etc. But at home, I can remember him drinking a couple of beers every single night; used to send me for them from the refrigerator as a matter of fact. He has a horrible temper and was very abusive towards my older brother and myself. After the latest scare, I thought surely it was enough to make him realize that he needs help. I have tried to remain positive about it and not just assume that he was drinking again, but as of 2 nights ago, its clear that he has not stopped. Unfortunately, I feel like its my responsibility to correct him, or push him to correct himself. Of my other two siblings, I have always been considered the responsible one. I do not live close enough to him to check in all the time and dont think that i should have to do that. I feel like a babysitter, so probably a good thing that I dont live that close. On the other hand, feel like it will be my fault if I don't do something now! Does anyone have any advice?
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Old 06-06-2007, 07:00 PM
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Hello cruelgirl, and welcome to this wonderful website.

I noticed that you also posted to the Friends and Family forums, so it looks to me like you're doing just fine understanding how forums work

In addition to the fine suggestions you received in the Friends and Family forum I will add all the "sticky" posts at the top of this forum. There is a lot of great information there.

My Dad and Mom were both alcoholics, and I also was forced into the "responsible" role. I see it as being the only adult in the family. One of the symptoms of a "toxic family" is that us kids are forced into taking on adult roles. Unfortunately, children don't have the level of development to be able to do that, and so we wind up with confused emotions and messed up lives.

Originally Posted by cruelgirl View Post
...dont think that i should have to do that. ...
Makes perfect sense to me. At 56 your Dad has been an adult for quite some time. He really should be responsible for his own health.

Originally Posted by cruelgirl View Post
...On the other hand, feel like it will be my fault if I don't do something now! Does anyone have any advice?
There are a number of things you can do to support him in his own efforts to find recovery. The first is to educate yourself about the disease of alcoholism. Reading the "sticky" posts here and in the Friends and Family forum will get you started on that. Next you look up the local office of al-anon in your part of the world and you check out a few meetings. They have a _ton_ of wonderful books and pamphlets that I have found to be a huge help.

That will keep you busy for a couple weeks At the end of which you will have a much better idea of what your options are and which you may want to explore in greater detail.

While you're doing all of that please toss out any questions that come up. It's a _lot_ of material and there are a lot of strange words that don't make sense at first.

Welcome again, I'm glad you decided to join us.

Mike
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Old 06-06-2007, 08:34 PM
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Hi Cruelgirl,

Looks like you've got plenty of reading for the next few days already if you follow Mike's suggestions

I wanted to welcome you to the board, and offer the single most valuable 'catchphrase' I've gotten from this board. It is valuable not only in my own dealings with my alcoholic parents, but also with other non-alcoholic but still dysfunctional in their own ways people in my life: I present you with "The Three C's" - You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

Your father is old enough to be responsible for his own actions. It is not your job as his child to be responsible for him. You didn't cause him to drink, you can't control his drinking, and you can't cure his drinking. The only person who can do that for him is him.

Accepting that is much more difficult than saying it, but if you say it to yourself over and over again, like bad commercials, you will begin to accept and believe it. Say it as often as you need to.

And as Mike offered, come ask questions, vent, seek advice, find out how other people handled it etc. This board is full of people with lots of experience being adult children of alcholics - I've been one since the age of 18, prior to that, I was just a child of alcoholics.

I've been in and out of therapy since I was 20, and I must say that this board has done me a world of good on top of any therapy. Finding other people who understand where I was coming from, and who could give me a few hints as to how to deal with various situations was immensely helpful.

I hope it is helpful in your search for peace as well.
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Old 06-06-2007, 08:37 PM
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Welcome to the Forums cg.

Feeling "super responsible" is one of the characteristic of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic family. We feel so even to the point wher we think it is our reponsiblility to fix our broken family members and all their issues.

For a long time I felt I was somehow to blame for all the pain in my family and even well into my adult life I carried guilt because I was never able to "make things right" or provide more.

I did not cause my family problems and I can't "fix" them.

They will always be able to find me if they need me but I am no longer afraid to say "no" to their manipulations and guilt trips. My sense of peace is too precious to me today.
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Old 06-06-2007, 08:44 PM
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Trying to fix someone is not a good road to be on. It comes naturally to children of alkies. As we mature hopefully we can change the self we became in our childhood homes, the resposible fixer. Otherwise we just repeat the pattern and pick mates (w/o even realizing it) that need fixin' too and so the pattern repeats. I don't know how old you are, but ya might wanna take a look at this and save yourself a couple of failed marriages and learn this fact early on. I wish I had. It took me 'til I was 40 to get it and 50 to master it. I hope your learning curve is quicker.
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