Need Advice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: oregon
Posts: 23
Need Advice
I am pregnant, and want to tell my grandmother. The problem, I am not in contact with my A mother, and I am afraid to make waves by telling my grandmother and not her.
I really have no desire to talk to my mom at all. Should I just tell my grandmother, and let my mother find out through the grapevine?
I really have no desire to talk to my mom at all. Should I just tell my grandmother, and let my mother find out through the grapevine?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Gonna ask some questions my old marriage counsellor would have asked me. You don't need to answer them here, just things to think about:
1. What is the worst that would happen if you told your grandmother but not your mother.
2. If the worst happens, are you required to participate in it? (an argument can not happen if only one person is arguing - phrases such as "that's certainly something to think about" or "I didn't say that, YOU said that, and I will not take responsibility for something I did not say" come to mind here)
3. Is avoiding talking to your mom now more valuable than talking to her when the fallout hits later? (This is a genuine question, only YOU can answer this question)
If it was me (which it's not), it would depend on the level of contact I had with my mom currently. If I was in essentially 'no contact' mode, I would tell grandmother and if mom comes calling tell her that I did not wish to speak to her. If I was still in communication with my mom, but it was strained, I would tell my mom, but tell her that unrequested advice is not welcome and I would appreciate it if she could just stick to being happy for me (set that boundary before you tell her your news).
It comes down to setting boundaries. The one thing I definitely would NOT do is tell grandmother and tell her not to tell mom. That puts your grandmother in an awful position, and you mom will still find out.
It's a sticky situation, I wish you well in finding a solution you can be at peace with.
1. What is the worst that would happen if you told your grandmother but not your mother.
2. If the worst happens, are you required to participate in it? (an argument can not happen if only one person is arguing - phrases such as "that's certainly something to think about" or "I didn't say that, YOU said that, and I will not take responsibility for something I did not say" come to mind here)
3. Is avoiding talking to your mom now more valuable than talking to her when the fallout hits later? (This is a genuine question, only YOU can answer this question)
If it was me (which it's not), it would depend on the level of contact I had with my mom currently. If I was in essentially 'no contact' mode, I would tell grandmother and if mom comes calling tell her that I did not wish to speak to her. If I was still in communication with my mom, but it was strained, I would tell my mom, but tell her that unrequested advice is not welcome and I would appreciate it if she could just stick to being happy for me (set that boundary before you tell her your news).
It comes down to setting boundaries. The one thing I definitely would NOT do is tell grandmother and tell her not to tell mom. That puts your grandmother in an awful position, and you mom will still find out.
It's a sticky situation, I wish you well in finding a solution you can be at peace with.
Getting out of my own way!
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Looking for a place to turn around
Posts: 257
Do what your heart tells you.....If you tell your Grandmother do not tell her not to tell your mom.....
Your mom has the right to know even if you choose not to involve her....which I don't blame you if she is an active A.....
But you are the adult/Mommy here and you have to do what you need to do for yourself/...
BTW....CONGRATS....it is the best thing you will ever do!!!
Your mom has the right to know even if you choose not to involve her....which I don't blame you if she is an active A.....
But you are the adult/Mommy here and you have to do what you need to do for yourself/...
BTW....CONGRATS....it is the best thing you will ever do!!!
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