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Embarassed once more . . . Thought I'd come here and share my pain and humiliation over the events of last evening. My oldest brother turned 50 and my "family" gathered to have dinner at a restaurant to celebrate. The owner of this restaurant happens to be an aquaintance of mine. (My mother picked the place) Did not have an idea of how strange my "family" is till now. My father was is usual obnoxious self and loud. My sister showed up wearing sumglasses and never removed them once due to having 2 black eyes. Another story. Back to my father though. Here are some of the things he did: exclaimed to the owner of the restaurant when introduced "so you own this dump?" Attempted to hit on owner's girlfriend and inappropriately touched her arm, etc. Then while at the table kept staring at her and making sexual comments. Loudly exclaimed in the diningroom that a teacher at my daughter's high school is a fag! Annoyed the heck out of my 16 year old daughter with continual comments that insulted her, despite me telling him to stop it. Insulted my brother to his wife by stating he went to college and never used his education. Please understand my father never paid one cent for his college nor guided him in anyway. My brother did it all on his own and with the help of a neighbor who guided him. The list goes on. Basically he just made me want to hide under the table! So I got home and took some Tylenol. I crawled into bed and after awhile the tears just flowed out. I hate that I will never have a father to be proud of, but one that I hate to admit is even mine! He will be 69 in June and my whole entire life has been a nightmare due to him and his alcoholism. Now my aquaintance knows my secret; my father is a complete nut job!! Thanks for listening. Laurie |
Hi Laurie, Sorry to hear you had such an unpleasant evening. I think accepting that your father is never going to be the Dad you want him to be is a huge step. One thing that has helped me has been to separate my well being from someone else's behavior. I am me and I am responsible for what I do. I don't need to cover for or feel embarassed by what anyone else does. I also don't need to remain anywhere that someone else's behavior is making me uncomfortable. I wish I could have gotten to this point when my son was still growing up. Way too much of my self worth as a parent/person was tied up in how he behaved on any given day. |
It took me a short while to cognitively understand and behave like Easeful said. It took many more years to feel it in my heart. And there are still some behaviors which make me cringe (at least now it's just cringing and not wanting to crawl under the table). I do relate to how the evening went. I've found over the years that if I "prepare" my friends for what they might witness, I don't feel embarassed, I feel supported. Perhaps if you're in a similar situation again, it might help to call the secondary parties (in this case your friend) and gently let them know that "dad doesn't operate on all cylinders, and his behavior can be a bit nutty most of the time - just wanted to prepare you before it started happening so you can be ready". If they ask for examples, give them. Then, when dad acts nutty, it's really more of a confirmation - at least for me - it feels more like "see? It really isn't me. He really is a nutjob. He really is tragically embarassing" This helps get it "out of the closet" and into fresh air before the event, so that when the inevitable happens, not only do you have nothing to feel guilty about (we can't pick our parents afterall), but you also will usually recieve affirmation from your friend/poor other person involved when they come back to you and say something like "man, I knew you said your dad was dotty, but boy - that was way more than I expected! You were right!" It seems to work well for me. I get affirmed, the other person has a chance to mentally prepare for odd behavior, and I don't have to be embarassed because I can catch their eye with an "told ya!" look and they smile. I know I was pretty well brainwashed into "don't air your dirty laundry". But I found when I started airing it, *I* felt much better because guess what? It's not mine. It's somebody else's and it was stinking up my life. So I air it in advance, and it cuts way down on the stress. After all, it's not like the other people aren't going to notice something's going on. |
I totally relate Laurie- I would pray to God every night to make my embarassing alcoholic father just "go away". There came a day that he did just that, and he never came back. I read your story and part of me is thankful that I was spared the last 25 years of embarassment not having him around but on the immediate flip side of that thought, is an aching little kid saying "I'd take it just to see him again". I am sorry that you had to go through that...it's just not an easy thing..... |
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