Inner Child
 

This from a site www.joy2meu.com

Great Site!!

I believe Robert Burney is the author of the exerpt..

Inner child work is in one way detective work. We have a mystery to solve. Why have I have I been attracted to the the type of people that I have been in relationship with in my life? Why do I react in certain ways in certain situations? Where did my behavior patterns come from? Why do I sometimes feel so: helpless; lonely; desperate; scared; angry; suicidal; etc.

Just starting to ask these types of questions, is the first step in the healing process. It is healthy to start wondering about the cause and effect dynamics in our life.

In our codependence, we reacted to life out of a black and white, right and wrong, belief paradigm that taught us that is was shameful and bad to be wrong, to make mistakes, to be imperfect - to be human. We formed our core relationship with our self and with life in early childhood based on the messages we got, the emotional trauma we suffered, and the role modeling of the adults around us. As we grew up, we built our relationship with self, other people, and life on the foundation we formed in early childhood.

When we were 5, we were already reacting to life out of the emotional trauma of earlier ages. We adapted defenses to try to protect ourselves and to get our survival needs met. The defenses adapted at 5 due to the trauma suffered at earlier ages led to further trauma when we were 7 that then caused us to adjust our defenses, that led to wounding at 9, etc., etc., etc.

Toxic shame is the belief that there is something inherently wrong with who we are, with our being. Guilt is "I made a mistake, I did something wrong." Toxic shame is: "I am a mistake. There is something wrong with me."

It is very important to start awakening to the Truth that there is nothing inherently wrong with our being - it is our relationship with our self and with life that is dysfunctional. And that relationship was formed in early childhood.

The way that one begins inner child healing is simply to become aware.

To become aware that the governing principle in life is cause and effect.
To become aware that our relationship with our self is dysfunctional.

To become aware that we have the power to change our relationship with our self.

To become aware that we were programmed with false beliefs about the purpose and nature of life in early childhood - and that we can change that programming.

To become aware that we have emotional wounds from childhood that it is possible to get in touch with and heal enough to stop them from dictating how we are living our life today.
That is the purpose of inner child healing - to stop letting our experiences of the past dictate how we respond to life today. It cannot be done without revisiting our childhood.
We need to become aware, to raise our consciousness. To create a new level of consciousness for ourselves that allows us to observe ourselves.

It is vitally important to start observing ourselves - our reactions, our feelings, our thoughts - from a detached witness place that is not shaming.

We all have an inner critic, a critical parent voice, that beats us up with shame, judgment, and fear. The critical parent voice developed to try to control our emotions and our behaviors because we got the message there was something wrong with us and that our survival would be threatened if we did, said, or felt the "wrong" things.

It is vital to start learning how to not give power to that critical shaming voice. We need to start observing ourselves with compassion. This is almost impossible at the beginning of the inner child healing process - having compassion for our self, being Loving to our self, is the hardest thing for us to do.

So, we need to start observing ourselves from at least a more neutral perspective. Become a scientific observer, a detective - the Sherlock Holmes of your own inner process as it were.

We need to start being that detective, observing ourselves and asking ourselves where that reaction / thought / feeling is coming from. Why am I feeling this way? What does this remind me of from my past? How old do I feel right now? How old did I act when that happened?

One of the amazing things about this process, is that as one starts to become more aware of our own reactions, we also start to become more aware of others. We start seeing when the people in our lives are reacting like a little kid, or adolescent, or teenager, or whatever. The more we become aware of their reactions, the easier it becomes to stop taking their behavior personally - which then makes it easier to detach from our own reactions and observe ourselves.

It is an amazing, miraculous process, that can help us to change our relationship with our self, with other people, and with life. Becoming more aware, becoming conscious of a new way of looking at ourselves and life is the beginning of a process of learning to forgive and Love our self.

A detective always looks at cause and effect. By becoming a detective, solving the mystery of why we have lived our lives as we have, we can start to free ourselves from our past. By doing the inner child healing, we can start to learn how to really be alive instead of just surviving and enduring.

This something that I am very familiar with. It is the first thing I did upon entering Alanon. If I am not aware of something I cannot change it. First I must observe my reactions and from there it was a matter stopping the reaction. Then on to faking new more appropriate reactions until they became automatic.

Sounds simple enough right?? :D

See right there....THAT is my problem. I pretty much know which reactions are innapropriate, I also, for the most part, know why. I even intellectually know the appropriate reaction to have. However, most times, I am emotionally incapable of controlling my reaction. The emotions are so strong that they come right from my core and at that moment I feel anger or hurt or frustration so deep that I don't care if my reaction is appropriate anymore.

Of course later when I'm calm and not in that state of mind I realize how self destructive my reactions are and that I need to do something about it. I can analyze the begezes out of this stuff but when I'm in it, it doesn't seem to matter. Do you think that's a seratonin thing or is it a lack of control of my emotions thing? Who knows.....................

The inner child healing is where I've been stuck for a while....I don't know how to help her. Every once in a while I feel her poking at me, trying to get me to acknowledge her, hang out with her, understand her. But she scares me. I don't want to reject her, b/c she's had enough of that in her life, and I want her to be happy. She's all alone and has no one but me.

(I know that might sound really crazy to some people, but I do have this connection/relationship with my inner child. She's the one who made me acknowledge my molestation by the family doctor....She needed to have her feelings validated.)

Anway, I have toxic shame. When I was a baby, my mom said she would always try to rock me to sleep and that I could never get comfortable in her arms. I would squirm and move around until finally she would put me down and I would just fall asleep by myself in my crib. That image has haunted me all of my life. For some reason my mom likes to share that story, and b/c she's shared it with others so often, it made me feel that she was insinuating there was something wrong with me. What was so wrong with me that my mother couldn't connect with me, to the point that I couldn't even find comfort in her arms?

But I'm also haunted by that image b/c when I was born, it was just mom and me. Dad was in Vietnam. It was just the two of us for almost a year, and I wasn't comfortable with mom. So I was all alone, literally from day one.

Maybe one day I'll get up the nerve to visit that site....

Steph,

It is hard for me to imagine that you are emotionally incapable. For me changing behaviors began in the smallest way. Remembering how sh***y I felt after I did something awful. Eventually I would try to just stop...walk away...run away. Go to my room and slam the door and beat my pillow. It was all very diliberate on my part...and I wasn't insiteful about it. My sponsor told me to knock it off.

Hugs,
JT

JT - is an awareness just okay in the early days? I don't want to go back into hiding, but I'm not ready to go within yet, either. :confused:

Margo...OMG You are here!! Welcome!

I have been in recovery 10 years and I just fell all over myself realizing something brand new. More will be revealed as we are ready.

Hugs,
JT

Hi JT - thanks for the welcome! I kinda ran for the hills after reading the 13 characteristics, but I've been peeking back in and doing some reading - it's very helpful and insightful. Just treading lightly for now!

I think this forum is an awesome addition!

Love and hugs. :)

Margo,

We must be on the same page, I've been
lurking and thinking.

J.T., this is all a little overwhelming for me. I know that I have carried on my parents
belief systems with me, to the point I have
scarred myself. I had to please them, that
was my job. I was too young to realize what
a bunch of BS it was.

Mom passed away 20 years ago, and Dad has
been gone 10 years. My sisters and I only
get together once a year, but we do go over
alot of stuff.

Journey, I am so sorry for what happened to
you. My sister was molested at 6 years old,
and she was then a "nasty" little girl in
my parents eyes. I get angry everytime I think
about it.

I have more work to do:confused:

Josie,

Drop in and visit anytime! I was a little bored with the decor so I am doing a little sprucing up. Lotsa coffee, comfy chairs...I really need to paint the walls a nice sunny yellow. Then people might not be so afraid! :D

Hugs,
JT

Thanks for the link to that site JT, there's some really interesting stuff there thats shed light on a lot of things for me even my 12 step program. I've still got a lot more reading to do, but I thought I'd try to take it easy because I tend to rush into things, get information overload, then miss the point entirely. The point for me is to make my learning a gradual process without getting neurotic about it.

Well, that's the aim anyway. :rolleyes:

This inner child stuff has always seemed so pathetic to me and a ploy designed by phsychs to make some money. I thought that if they start from childhood that guaranteed a decent amount of sessions from a person.

Then I realised just recently in one of MG's threads that I actually detest my inner child and am repulsed by her! This was a big shock to me, but makes perfect sense. It was a good realisation as I'm learning now how to be gentle and although I still don't have too many emotions attached (obviously) I can see now that its easy to have compassion for any child in a similar situation. I wouldn't treat any other child with such contempt or emotional distance and thats really helping me to understand more and judge less.

Still, I think that this is going to lead to more pain than I can imagine now. Mostly because I'm still so unemotional about it and keeping a safe, intellectual distance. So, its good to know there's support and understanding, that safety in numbers kind of thing.

Amy

Yes. That.

HI guys

I guess I have a lot more reading and catching up to do!

I have come to accept that my inner child is one of the many who sit on the committee in my head. Its difficult for me to acknowledge that my inner child should still be allowed a voice, but I am working towards that.... letting the inner child be heard even if I dont take the action that the inner child urges me toward.

I had one moment after I had separated from the A that he came to the door and I actually let him IN. (DUH) Later, after I got him out and quickly locked the door, I went to the mirror, looked at myself and said "WHICH one of you opened that door and let him in?????"

Very telling moment in my life.... and gosh I still have so much to learn.

LOVE YOU GUYS

O59

Ahhhh Osier!

Well put! And true!

I had a committe meeting the night before last because my mother in law slyly asked about the Beav when she knew all along that he was in jail. I felt betrayed and hurt, I wished she would have just called and asked how we all were instead of playing games. Like she wanted us to tell her...like she thought we owed it to tell her. Make sense??

The committee was hurt deeply by that. Like she didn't care about me.

I was stunned by all the noice in my head. They rarely assemble anymore. I talked with Ward about it...it IS his mother and he thinks she doesn't want to pry. So I will go with that.

Holding this up to the light you just shinned Osier is very interesting.

Hugs,
JT

One of my bigger problems is shame attacks. I can't seem to figure out what they are connected too. I can make one simple mistake that might not even really be a mistake and I get hit with a huge shame attack. Once it hits the emotions are huge. At this point all I can do is let it happen until it goes away. Sometimes it lasts about 3 days.

There are things that help with the awareness. My grandson is very smart and in the gifted program at school. He always makes A's. On his last report card he got a C+ and kept telling his mother he was sorry. We all told him it was ok and told him he didn't need to worry about it and that his grade didn't define who he was etc....

That made me think about the third grade. I got an F on my report card on a part that said "Gets along well with others" There were 4 girls at my school and we were all friends and went back and forth fighting with each other. I got spanked to where I had bruises for getting that grade. I didn't realize until my grandson got his grade how awful that was. Then I felt sad for myself. So then turning that around and trying to renurture yourself is difficult. That's why I love it here. I've received nurturing from all of you that I've never had in my life. It has really been healing for me.

Love you all,
MG

((((((((((((MG)))))))))))) We love you too! :)

GOSH! Just when I thought I'd be able to bury my childhood forever, along comes this new board and I start having to think!

I've also lurked over here for a few days. Some of the things I've read have really made me stop and think. I've started dreaming of my childhood home (this is the only home we lived in when my father molested me). Last night I woke up literally terrified! It was like I was 10 again, back in that house and so afraid I could hardly breathe! I'm not real sure what's going on in my head! My family have all heard the gossip from one another that my dad molested me. Most of them are treating ME like an outcast while trying everything in their power to "protect" him! I'm to the point that I don't care if I talk to most of my family (brothers, dad, grandma) ever again! It's so much more peaceful just to not deal with them. I have yet to confront my father about his abuse. I really don't know what to say! Nothing I say is going to change what happened. Do I think he will ever admit to what he did? NO!

I remember dreading report card day! I was always an A/B student. I'd bring home the report card and my dad would always say, "Is that the best you can do?!" Even when I brought home straight A's, he'd say that. I really don't know what his point was. It always made me feel like I wasn't good enough! My daughter has never made less than an A & I try to encourage her and praise her for it. If she did make a lower grade, I would definately not shame her for it!

I have a lot of crap from childhood that I know affects how I am today. My mother left when I was 18 months old. I always felt like something was wrong with me because my own mother didn't love me enough to stay. Then, my dad married my step mom & I always felt like she resented me (she was verbally & physically abusive). My dad sexually abused me. I have basically had abandonment issues my entire life & I know it affects my relationship with my husband. It seems like I've spent my entire life trying to "be good enough" for people and it's never worked out!

I'm not sure I have an inner child! I was never allowed to be a child! For as long as I can remember, I've been taking care of my 3 brothers, cleaning, cooking, laundry. I've been responsible since I was 10 years old. I remember only twice in my childhood that I spent the night with friends. I NEVER had friends over to my house. I wasn't involved in band or extra stuff because there was not enough time for me to be the mom of the house AND keep my grades up. I really think I've started to ramble here! I found an old diary of mine the other day. It's amazing how reading it can take me back in time. I'm not sure I want to keep making that journey though! I just keep telling myself that God will know when I am ready to face everything! I just have to trust in Him and take one step at a time!

This is a good addition to Sober Recovery!!

AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

Awhile back I asked my counselor a question about something and she answered I don't know we would have to look at your childhood to figure that out. I gave her a face!! My thought was: Damn! Do I have to? I have done that a million times! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND MORE TIME PICKING MY CHILHOOD APART THAN I DID LIVING IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
At the same time, I knew, where the resistance is...is the place to go hunting.
YUK!

So when I come into your room JT, I don't want to sit around...to me, it is like ASKING for a headache!:D

But as I was peeking in......a thought popped into my head...a cliche I was raised by and forgot about...."There is no margin for error"

:rolleyes:

(((((Melissa)))))))

Why is it that people are always so concerned with protecting and excusing the adults instead of trying to protect the children???? :confused: I totally could have written that. On the few occasions that I brought home a C, I was put on punishment until the next report card came out. And like you said, the first time I brought home straight As, he couldn't believe it was my report card and when he finally realized it was, his reaction? "Oh. Well, let's see if you can do it again next time." :rolleyes2

I appreciate everyone sharing their stories b/c it helps me to be able to say these things out loud and not feel ridiculed for it. Besides, I think in this case there's safety in numbers. :)

Live,

I understand what you are saying. But I have NEVER gone down this path. I have always thought it was a waste of time and could only bring up bad stuff. But like all of my recovery I am finding

#1 That I am not alone

#2 That other people can be worse off then me

Osier said...and it jumped out at me that my "inner child" is one of those people sitting on the committee in my head. If that is true then something has to be done about that...at least for me.

Now can we think of another name for "inner child"?? I hate that term!

JT