fear of abandonment....

Old 05-10-2003, 08:38 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
believer
Thread Starter
 
journeygal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
fear of abandonment....

Stephanie wrote about the fear of abandonment in another post and it prompted me to write about something else I struggle with...

I have a fear of abandonment. Well, maybe it's more of a fear of rejection. My parents didn't physically abandon me as a child, but there was that whole emotional rejection thing whenever I was "bad" or did something they didn't agree with.

The first relationship I had was with a guy who threatened to leave me after every argument or disagreement. As a result, I tried never to argue with him. Talk about being stifled! I was with him for seven years and in the end, I initiated the "let's see other people" - and he found someone else he preferred.

I have never dealt with conflict well which makes it hard for me to speak up for myself. I'm getting better at speaking up, but not at squashing the fear that I have immediately afterwards. Pretty much anytime my husband and I argue or disagree, I'm terrified that he's going to use it as a excuse to leave me, the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak.

You know the kind of parents that discipline their children, but shortly afterwards they let their child know that in spite of their disappointment in them, they still love them? Well, I didn't have those kind of parents!!! And so I always felt I wasn't worthy of their love anymore whenever I was bad or I disappointed them. And I guess that's what it all really boils down to - that whole feeling of "I'm not good enough."

Can anyone relate?

(Steph - you may be right about ACoA's being a bunch of whiners!!! i can't speak for anyone else, but I sure do a lot of it! )
journeygal is offline  
Old 05-10-2003, 09:25 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
JT
Supply Manager
 
JT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
JG,

You sound like me. You talk about a guy you dated who threatened to leave over and over but you were the one who cut it off in the end? ME! I have never been the dumpee. I have always been the dumper. Before I can be dumped I suspect!

Hugs,
JT
JT is offline  
Old 05-10-2003, 09:56 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Stephanie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: The Basement
Posts: 724
Fear of abandonment is a huge one for me and so many of my character defects are motivated be just that fear. I used to really be a door slammer. WELL FINE THEN, I'M OUTTA HERE!!!!!! You know that song by Simon and Garfunkel, "I am a Rock" That was my theme song. I was only able to maintain that cold strong exterior and numb interior through the use of narotics, however. Well, then sobriety fell upon me and hence all of this adult/child stuff.

JT What have you done. Look at all of us, between this forum and Dops post I'm actually breaking a sweat here, I am working so hard. I am going to give my therapist the heave-ho at $100 an hour. I am working harder here than I have in there in months.
Stephanie is offline  
Old 05-10-2003, 10:48 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Paused
 
Gypsygirlmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Climbing outa da Black Hole
Posts: 146
Yikes.
I didn't think I had a fear of abandonment...well maybe a little. Now after JT's post ... I had always had to be the dumper.... and this would definitely explain my feeling of always having "one foot out the door" Beeecause, I'd be dammed if I was going to be dumped. Sooooo, leading to me think if I ever really totally committed myself to any relationship????????????? So, all the fights where I felt threatened that "it was over" were what??? Why do we feel that way? Because we fear we were going to be abandon? And not the Abandoner? And if I were to be really honest with myself, I've really never spent much time without a partner since I started dating. Because when I ended one relationship, there was always a back up. Hmmm...

Your right Steph, between here and Dopp, my brain is whirling. An interesting evening for me.
Gypsygirlmom is offline  
Old 05-11-2003, 06:42 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
JT
Supply Manager
 
JT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
That "one foor out the door" feeling is mine! I can't believe someone else used those words! I think I may have committed early on because I can still remember vividly a fight Ward and I had centuries ago when things were really bad. He said he was leaving. I went numb for days.

I have never had that feeling again. I won't allow it.

I wrote about this in my journal sometime ago. I went through each relationship in my life and looked at my feelings. The only real and true comittment I have is to my son and now my grandson. My children. Anyone else is basically expendable.

Hugs,
JT
JT is offline  
Old 05-11-2003, 07:04 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Paused
 
Gypsygirlmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Climbing outa da Black Hole
Posts: 146
LOL!
Maybe 'one foot out the door' should one of the characteristics of ACOA!

In my marriage, we have been together 16yrs. After alot of analyzing! I believe I shut down about 14 yrs. ago. I'm not sure what happened, but I know at that time I was "out the door" but then I found out I was pregnant. Sooo, I think I thought that this was Gods will, a message to stay. But I never could give to the relationship what I did in the beginning. And in all honesty, even with its ups & downs, it has really only gotten worse. Perhaps I am only feeling obligated to stay. Or is it like JG said, that I don't feel good enough about myself to know I deserve to be treated better.

I am the same way with my children, they are the only ones who get my undying, unconditional love...even when I am feeling hurt by something they may do. But now I wonder, shouldn't we be able to feel that way with the person who is our partner in life?
Gypsygirlmom is offline  
Old 05-11-2003, 03:39 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
believer
Thread Starter
 
journeygal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Geez...

My mom had one foot out the door 34 years ago and was ready to tell my dad see ya, but then he got his draft notice for Vietnam....and shortly after he left she found out she was pregnant with me....

I always felt like she resented me for that, for keeping her stuck. I still do.

I do think Gypsy that we should be able to feel that undying love for our partners, or that we should at least be able to commit ourselves to them fully. But I think the fear of abandonment and rejection keeps us from doing it...
journeygal is offline  
Old 05-11-2003, 07:30 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Stephanie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: The Basement
Posts: 724
No way, I totally understand being unconditionally comitted to my kids as opposed to my partner. My kids need me, they depend on my for their survival and unless something really goes askew in that relationship, they will never leave me. Sure they hopfully will move out, get married, and have their own kids but they will still be my children and I will be their mother. If my husband leaves me, I can be replaced. He is independent of me and a large part of our being together is what we found attractive within eachother. We chose eachother and we could just as easily dispose of eachother. That threat is always there and if You've had significant loss in your life, as I have, that fear of the past repeating itself is always in the back of my mind.

Personally, for me, my fear is much worse in regard to being emotionally abandoned within a relationship that is still ongoing, than to be physically abandoned.
Stephanie is offline  
Old 05-14-2003, 04:07 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Paused
 
trish's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: New York
Posts: 84
Father was alcoholic

My dad was an alcoholic. He became really ill with a lung problem and stopped drinking. He died 10 years later. I never really got to know him as a child. The ironic thing is that I am now married to an alcoholic. When my husband went to jail for 4 months on a license charge, he just stopped the beer. As soon as he came home...the drinking started again. He is not a nasty, drunk who sits in the bar all day, but he likes his 6 pack a night. This has been going on for many years. Sometimes he is alright and sometimes it's worse. My older children cannot stand his drinking and always complain about it to him. He almost lost us to his drug use many years ago and hope that he will open up his eyes and see what he is doing to his kids. I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I just hope he stops the drinking before it stops him.
trish is offline  
Old 05-10-2004, 06:10 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Paused
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: San Clemente, CA
Posts: 1
Re: fear of abandonment....

Oh yeah I know what this is like. It seems I'm attracted to men who always have something else in their life more important than me, and it drives me crazy because I know if they had a choice, they wouldn't choose me. My first boyfriend was a crack addict, my second boyfriend was addicted to computer games and told me they were more important to him than anything in the world, and he also had an illegitimate kid from an ex-girlfriend that he couldn't see and was still full of hatred and resentment about that so he couldn't really move on from it, and my third boyfriend had a kid who he was practically obsessed with and always ignored me and neglected me whenever his kid was around, which was a LOT and constantly found ways to remind me and rub it in my face that his kid was more important than me. I've never been with someone who put me FIRST. Not even my own parents!

My dad was a workaholic. My parents were divorced and we only saw him every other weekend but he was always really critical of me, always made me feel I couldn't do anything right. Apparently, my sister and I recently found out, our mother was going to abandon us when we were little. She was an alcoholic and she was going to turn over full custody to our father. Before I was born they separated for a year and she did leave my sister with our father. Then they got back together and got pregnant with me right away and then divorced after I was born.

Anyways, this is long, but I have never felt secure in a relationship! I don't know if it's because I choose men who are already too committed to something or somebody else, or if it's just something about me. But it sucks! All I want is to fall in love and to feel secure that the man loves me and only me and will always love me. I have never felt this way, and I'm beginning to doubt I ever will.
moongirl is offline  
Old 05-10-2004, 06:36 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Hey moongirl,
I know about coming in second, third, fourth, fifth and sixth.
And I know about wanting to come in first, somewhere...with someone.
I had to start looking at who I was investing myself in and change that habit pattern. When I invest myself in people who don't give back, I am certain to not get what I want out of a relationship.
When I invest myself in people who can give as good as they get, life is much better for me.
I'm glad you joined us, stick around.
Peace,
Gabe
Gabe is offline  
Old 05-11-2004, 12:47 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Dancing To My Own Beat
 
Magichappens's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
I was the one foot out the door. When my mom needed a rescuer, I was it. Any time I started to become a person with my own personality, I was stifled. I was only dumped once in my life and I had many boyfriends. Even when I got married, when we would argue, I would threaten to leave. I never realized that my behavior of running came from my stifling mom. My relationship with her today is still not good. She is always angry with me because I won't give up my life that I have to make sure she is secure. I have forgiven her, but I don't have much contact because I'm not into being manipulated and treated poorly anymore. I still haven't completely healed from those wounds, but with time it is getting better. Hugs, Magic
Magichappens is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:46 PM.