rcvrygirl

Glancing around the board I see I qualify. I have been clean and sober for 13 years.
I have done tons and tons of work on myself. I basically stayed out of a relationship for most of my recovery. I thought I had made progress, and I had
in the area of loving myself.
Then came HIM. I am 43 years old. I finally met someone I was attracted to.
There were so many red flags right from the beginning that I chose to ignore.
Even right now I am backspacing to 'protect' him.
I stayed in a relationship where I was always last. He didn't give me eye contact.
He looked at other women constantly when we went out (a few times in a year and
a half). He ignored me when I talked to him. He never asked me about myself or my day. When we made love it was always from behind.
Everyday he would call me 3 times and tell me how he loved me over the phone.
He would say he loved me too if I said I loved him.
I found myself feeling like that lost child and even spoke baby talk when I spoke to him alot of the time. It hurt everyday I was with him.
The more it hurt, the more I tried to 'win' and 'buy' his love.
I am an independent, responsible, smart woman. What the heck happened?
I turned into a insecure, paranoid person. I would ask 'am I pretty?' and he would say yes sometimes.
He ended up dumping me when I called him on some of his behaviors with other women.
The good news is that I am seeing a theripist now on a regular basis. Maybe that is what was to come out of this.
Bottom line is he had my alcoholic father written all over him. Am I still trying to
win the love and attention of a sociopath? I thought I was past that.
The pain is emense, but I will survive. I have survived much worse.
Thanks for listening!!

carl250r

I am sory .

and i think it is cool you did not deal with this turd by picking up a bottle .you will be allrite.

they say as i am sure you know that wemen go after a guy that is like there dad,i never realy thought about what happens when a girls dad is not so great.

GingerM

It is easy sometimes to slip back into old patterns. It is even easier when those old patterns get slowly slipped back into. Where you wake up 3 years later and say "how the heck did I end up here? This isn't me!" Been there, done that, got the tee-shirt, burned it.

That being said, there's a reason "stress" and "regress" rhyme. Often with stress comes regression. The harder you try (and it doesn't work) the more stress you feel, the more you regress into those old non-functional non-healthy behavior patterns.

Please try to not beat yourself up over slipping a bit. It happens. I think it happens to everyone, and would believe that those who say they've never regressed are either in denial or flat out lying.

Now it's time to pick yourself up, dust off the debris of the regression, find where you got off track and get back on it. And you seem to know that you can do that, so I'll spare you the cheerleading bit. I'm glad to hear you have a therapist to help you work through the fallout.

Wascally Wabbit

You're doing your self a good thing by getting help. I have been there. Not long after the split, and all the emotions died off, I began to realize that there wasnt anything wrong with me! I had been listening to someone berate me, but now I realize it was because they hated their own self!
You have a future because you're working on yourself.

Mlynn

Thanks for sharing your experience.

Find solice in the fact that 1. you were open enough to be vonerable to a new relationship and intimacy in the first place which is a huge problem for many ACOA's and recovering alcoholics. and 2. That you were healthy enough to be able to recognise the toxic behaviors and get out of the relationship before it could cause you any *more* harm. Those are very good things. While the result may not be what you had hoped for that is a healthy progress that many ACOA's do not find.

I for example am terified of relationships and intimacy so I avoid them. That is NOT healthy. I logically understand that I am destined to repeat old patterns and lean twards childhood figures (my father) when finding a "mate". Becuse I want to avoid repeating my parents old patterns....I am afraid to date at all. I am not open or vonerable to new relationships or intimacy. That is something that I am going to need to work on in recovery. Many of us NEVER learned what a healthy relationship IS/WAS or how it worked. We had/have no point of refrence.

On the flip side some ACOA's are so desprate for love and acceptance that they will stay in ANY relationship with ANY person for 20 or 30 or 50 years and endure escilating abuse and violence because they are afraid of being abandoned.

Alanon and ACA are great resources.....coupled with therapy (cognitive behavioral therapy???) .