katie6

I told my husband tonight that my friend and I were going to an ACOA Al-Anon meeting next week. he made a face and said "okay". I said "you don't like it do you?" and he said that not liking it and not understanding it were two different things. We got into a discussion and he basicaly said that what my parents have is not an addiction because "studies have proven that marijuana is not physically addicting" so therefore, it isn't an addiction. He said that the problem is not my parents, but the problem is that I have a problem with what they do.Does that even make sense? I'm so upset about it I'm not even sure if it is coming out right. He said that their problem is their relationship with their daughter (me) not their habit or hobby (he actually used those words). I tried to explain that their relationship issues with me come from their addiction and he just shrugged it off. He doesn't understand it, but he said he hopes the meeting helps anyway.

I can't believe that someone I love so much doesn't even seem to want to try and understand this. He doesn't think it is an addiction! He is such a logical and science minded person that he sees things in only the biological sense, not the psychological sense and he doesn't understand this...I know I can't make him understand, but it just sucks that he doesn't seem to want to try. The reason I never really talked about this situation is because so many people told me I was making a big deal out of nothing and that there was nothing wrong with what my parents were doing. I now feel like I'm back to being a teenager again, when I was surrounded by people who thought pot was cool and there was nothing wrong with what my parents were doing. I feel like I just got laughed at and brushed off...AGAIN. It's just par for the course for me it seems.

I have to keep reminding myself that he did not grow up in my house and he is not me, so maybe he really doesn't get it. But you know what? It hurts to not get the kind of support and understanding I want (need?) from someone who I love so much.

Thanks for letting me whine and vent.

misslisa

You have VALID emotions and feelings about your parents addiction. Yes it is an addiction. No your man does not understand. But if he did would it really make you feel different. Would it change the way you look at your parents? He just thinks your making an issue for no reason. Men do not understand how woman think, well I am yet to find one!

Good on you for venting on here, and for going to the meetings.

Good luck

lanie67

That point of view NEVER ceases to amaze me. A scientific minded person should be able to understand addiction better than anyone else. The body is nothing but a great big chemistry set that reacts with every single substance/chemical/whatever, that is put into it. It HAS to, it has no choice, it exists to metabolize what we take in and use it to support life. It seems like the chemical reactions going on in the brain after one ingests mood altering chemicals and their subsequent effect on behavior would be even easier for him to understand than the chemical reactions of the body breaking down food, which begin from the very second the food touches the saliva in the mouth. It only seems logical that if a person wants to alter their feelings/ thoughts etc that they will return again and again to whatever works, just as Pavlov's dogs were conditioned by the bell-ringing at feeding time to salivate just by the sound of that bell. Maybe he would appreciate one of those books about addiction that describe everything in great big words with lots of scientific and medical terminology. Of course if he uses any drugs recreationally he may have an ulterior motive for justifying their usage. I think it is very disrespectful of him to invalidate your experience though.

GingerM

People can be addicted to anything - gambling is not a physical addiction, neither is overeating, yet there are support groups like AA for them. I know people who are addicted to tv or the internet. Who literally start getting edgy and panicky if they don't get to watch tv or surf the 'net.

It is a bummer that he doesn't understand, and doesn't seem to want to understand. Could you talk to him and let him know that even though he doesn't understand, you still could really use his support while you're going through the various stages, because it's probably going to have quite a few rough spots in it and you'd appreciate having someone there for you?

Peter

When I first started attending AA meetings I had to learn the hard way not to try explaining alcoholism or recovery to people who did not understand. There are people in this world who regard alcoholism and Acoa syndrome as a weakness and will never truly understand the implications of such things. Our job is not to educate them but to try and help ourselves.

It may be best if you and spouse avoid any discussion about meetings for a while.

katie6

misslisa, you are right. Thanks for validating my feelings about this. And you are right that it wouldn't make me look at my parents any different, but I would like some support, you know?

laine, thanks. I think as my husband, the lest he could do would be to at least pretend to validate me, you know? I don't think I could get him to read a book about it. He is stubborn and is not going to change his mind about it. He does not use any drugs recreationally..well, we both drink recreationally, but there is not problem there. He is in the Army, and honors his commitment, so drugs are a no-no.

Ginger, I tried to tell him that. I told him that people can be addicted to gambling, to the internet, to all kinds of things. He said he doesn't think of those as an addiction either, becuase there aren't any physical symptoms of withdrawal or dependence. I don't want to overwhelm him or seem like I am trying to beat my point into it, but there are so many websites I could give him that show differently. I am going to talk to him more about this though when he gets home from his weekend away. He will support me, I know he will, becuase he is a good man. But he doesn't seem to want to understand, you are right. I might stop making him try to understand and just ask him to support me.

Peter, I thought for a brief minute about not telling him about these meeting, but our marriage is based on good communication and we tell each other things that are important. I don't want to start a trend of not telling him things just becuase it would make it easier. That could just lead to a slippery slope of a lot of bad things. I don't necessarily need him to understand everything, but I would like him to empathize at the least and be there for me. Having him know what is going on with me means a lot to me. We don't keep secrets.

Peter

Katie please note that I am not suggesting that you keep your meeting attendance a secret from your husband but rather that you avoid debating the pros and cons and recovery dynamics with him until you are able to discuss it with him without getting upset.

Of course we all would like the support and empathy of our family but whether it is forthcoming or not we go on without them.

lanie67

That is very true, sometimes silence is the best response to people. It can allow them to grow respect for you if no words are given to justify whatever situation there is, just 'this IS what I am doing, so there." I have had a hard time learning that because growing up I thought words were the answer for everything. I didn't even know that I could ask someone to respect me and not justify why they should respect me. So good point, Peter.

GingerM

From wikipedia, under 'addiction' (bold is mine):

If you still want to try to get through to him, perhaps having him read the wikipedia definition of 'addiction' will help. It sounds like he's using the common definition and not the psychological definition. Like people think "penultimate" means "best" when the real definition of "penultimate" is actually "second best".

Personally, I doubt that it would do anything more than make you feel slightly better that your definition is closer to the real definition. If he supports you, even when he doesn't understand it, isn't that the important thing? (tone of the last question is not snide, it's a genuine question to spur thought on what the real issue is here that's bothering you)