Mlynn

Well, my birthday was this month. I always talk about how I love books...and I guess I mentioned that I had a wishlist on amazon.com with almost 500 books on it that I wish to own someday. Well little did I know that a "wish list" is PUBLIC(unless you specifically make it private which I didn't know I had to do). Needless to say my mother makes my younger cousin go on Amazon (poor girl) and she see's my wishlist. It's mostly about trauma recovery but because I am a vegetarian animal lover there were some veggie books on there too. She ordered me those for my birthday. She says these are from your wishlist - and a very sad and disturbing list it was!!! I was MORTIFIED!!!!! There are some very personal things on that list - including some things about a form of sibling abuse that she doesn't know about - or didn't until now...but she's so good at lying to herself and being in denial that i'm sure she is explaining this away in her mind already.

Anyhow she comes home, gives me the books, and then looks me in the face and says - there were books about "this or that type" of abuse and that NEVER happened to YOU....why do you have that on there.....You WERE NOT abused. Umm excuse me. Who are YOU to to tell me what *I* did or didn't experience. So to avoid a lenghty "thearpy" discussion and to prevent having to go into details that I didn't want to go into with her. - I said oh I know...I'm just intrested in that stuff....you know because I want to be a foster mom some day....and want to know about the issues that foster kids deal with including abuse. Well she WANTED to believe that so much that I'm sure she hasn't given it a second thought.

YESTERDAY....I find out that after she saw my wish list....she showed it to my aunt (cousin lives with aunt - who isin't her mom) and then went on an hour long rampage abou how I was NEVER abused, and about how I DON'T need therapy, and how I just need to snap out of it and quite whining because she knows people who have had it WORSE then me and THEY are perfecty fine. My cousin told me this yesterday. God she is so self centered. Don't you think if you were a parent who seen that you kid is SUFFERING with these issues so much that she has 500 frecking books about recovery - you wouldn't go off on a rampage about what a GREAT parent YOU were & how bad YOU had it....and then go and tell the kid you didn't experience trauma - that never happened - I am a GREAT parent. So self centered I can't stand it. What a bitch. I just despise her sometimes it physically sickens me to be anywhere near her. She makes everything about HER...**** her children. Just feel so sorry for ME ME ME because I've had it worse then anybody.

I wanted to confront her today - but that would mean her knowing that my cousin told me about what she said - which will likley mean grief for my cousin. I decided that my love for my cousin is greater then my anger at my mother - so I am not acting at this point.

best

Could it be that she may be talking about herself? You never know.
Her rampage could be triggered by her own denial of her own past.

I don't know...just a thought.

BigSis

Sounds like she is talking abour her own shame, at the very least. There is nothing you can do to alleviate that for her, or to get her to see your pain.... sadly.

I think anyone listening to her will hear what we hear... HER pain about HER feelings and HER beliefs.... not about you.


I am sorry she is not open to hearing you. Perhaps one day she will be. ((hugs))

Pilgrim

We must be sisters because we have the same Mother. Hang in there.

Lauriejess

Sorry you're stuck with this type pf parent. Both of my parents choose to blame my sister's suffering on "mental illness". Burns me up everytime I hear it because she isn't mentally ill, she is messed up because of the horrific abuse those two jerks dished out as parents. Of course they are in denial too just like your mom. I have very little contact with them as I just can't stand their lies.

Laurie

lanie67

Hi Mlynn,

I can identify with a lot of this; my family acted the same way when I started trying to heal from sexual abuse issues. My mother once said that she wished my sister and I would stop talking about what happened to us, "It's like you brag about it", she said. It kills me how they always say that they or others have been through the same things and worse and are 'perfectly fine'; why then, does the cycle of abuse keep perpetuating. I have an aunt that I almost cannot speak to at all because she is so screwed up from being survivor; she is in denial and I trigger her a bit, I think. It is very crazy-making talking to folks like this, by trying to control you they are trying to keep their own issues at bay. However, the denial and silence around the issue is what keeps the cycle of abuse going, so good for you for addressing these issues. It is sad, because this kind of behavior is emotional abandonment; the parent is abandoning the child emotionally by not acknowledging the seriousness of their experiences. It is narcissism in the extreme, but that is sometimes the only way these people keep their psyches intact, I think. My heart goes out to you, I have been there, and I hope that you are able to get the support that you need elsewhere since your mother is not capable of dealing with this stuff, at least not yet. My mother has definitely softened over time, and become a lot more receptive to talking about it. Part of the reason she wasn't was because she sent my sister and I to stay with our grandfather, her father, who abused her from her earliest memory at three years of age until she left home at age 18. We went at separate times, slept in his bed, and he sexually abused us. He was a predator, and her denial (at a time when the whole world was still in denial about this stuff) allowed her to believe that 'he wouldn't touch his grandchildren' and we would be safe with him. I am just glad more people are talking about it and the cycle is getting broken

GingerM

Point 1. Just because someone else had/has it worse than you doesn't not mean that your suffering is not real and genuine.

Point 2. How, exactly, does your mother know that they are "perfectly fine"? Perhaps they also have an Amazon wishlist a mile long of recovery books.

My mother accused me of lying about the past. Only problem was, my father and my sister both corroborated my memories. Even then she refused to believe it. Sometimes the denial runs so deeply (or the mental illness is so complete) that reality has no place in that person's world. Unfortunately, this means that you will not be able to inject any reality into their world, even using a sledge hammer.

YOU know what you experienced. You're dealing with it. Accept that that is not the perception of reality she is conciously or subconciously choosing. I don't talk about it with my parents.

Ginger

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It frustrates you and annoys the pig.

Mlynn

Wow....thanks for the responses everyone. My mother never openly acknowledged the issue......she just kind of ignored it away. After I let on to the possibility (didn't openly admit - but incinuated) that the abuse happened - SHE was very depressed and unwilling to talk to me for about 2 days. Then everything was back to normal....chit chat and small talk like the issue never existed. Oh, talk about denial. Part of me wishes she would sit me down, look me in the eye, and ask "what happened" or atleast acknowledge my suffering. That is what I think a loving mother would do.....is atleast ask or show concern.....rather then ignore the issue away. Then agian we are talking about a woman who - a few weekends ago baracaded herself in the house when a phone man knocked on the door - because she though something bad would happen if she let him in(the house wasn't clean I guess). He called my father's cell phone (which is the contact # he was given) furious that he drove all the way out there - saw a car in the drive way - and was ignored. She was sneaking around corners and closing curtins sitting in the dark house waiting for him to leave. OMG...how normal and healthy is that???

Then agian as I think about it.....maybe it is best she isin't willing to talk about this. As much as I want her to show me that she even ******* cares (being a people pleaser and caring are 2 diffrent things IMO) these issues are MINE and I have carried them with me a long time. I will never fully divolge to anyone what truley happened because 1. it would cause grief in my family 2. it is no one's buissness 3. atleast SOME family members would use this information to attack and demean me and blame me for the problems in our family and 4. I am not "sure" if what happened was a concentual act or a un-concentual one - it involved my brother who was 4 years older then me when we were both young children- and my memories are fragmented and incoherant - so it may be that was happened was "normal" childhood experimentation. I am not sure. I have memories of others things (behaviors/acting out exc) that would suggest what happened happened....but only a few memories of the events actually happening....which are fragmented. It would almost be more trouble then it's worth to get into.

Wascally Wabbit

I went through some horrible abuse from my alcoholic mother. That was nearly 30 years ago. SHe's been sober all this time, yet will NEVER aknowledge that she ever did anything wrong.
I don't expect that will ever change either.
It's something I had to accept.