utopia

welcomel lvngwngs

i am sometimes puzzled how anything with my family is not personal but detaching from their disease is a blessed thing.

for me,
i find the disease the hardest to recognise in my non-a parent. yes its good when the alcoholic stops drinking, but the drinking is just an aspect of this disease called alcoholism. my mother doesnt drink but she has other isms as do i. i found that with some time and some recovery on myself, wheni started to get better, i noticed the isms in people, its scary for me when i see it in my family now that im aware of so much more of this disease but the hope for today lies in that i dont have to play that part anymore and sell myself off for the comfort of others which often did in the past.

shockozulu

My parents divorce when I was 2, before my mom started using (and drinking). My dad would visit whenever he could, considering he lived out of town half my childhood. My mom would complain if he saw me that much when dad did live in town, so when mom hit him up for an increase in child support my dad said he'd pay it if the court would officially grant him friday afternoons to visit with me.

I love my father, and in fact he is the only family outside of my sister I talk to anymore. He would give me a weekly safe-haven from all the crazyness in my life.

My mom would try to sabotage that by saying negative things about my father never being around when I had to do chores, that she was in the role of the full-time parent hence the heavy handed one, and when she was really mad I was "just like my father".

What mom never saw was that my dad was more of a disciplinarian (discipline, not hitting or anything) then she'd ever be. Dad gave me structure to be who I was, guidance to pursue my dreams.

utopia

thankyou alera for reminding me of the postive too.

for me the non-a parent is the only one i still talk to. we dont relate as such because im in recovery shes not and because of our generational differences. relating to my non-a parent, for me relating to my mother is not as important to me anymore, all that matters to me is identyfying the way she gives love and opening myself to receiving her love the way that she gives it.

as for my father the a. for me, i have no love or hate for him, some sort of faint emotion but i can only identify that as peace of forgiveness and letting go. peace of moving on from the past. i dont relate to him

in alanon i learn to some degree to understand my relatives, the alcoholic as well.

shockozulu

This really stood out to me. I'm the same way with my mother now. However, sometimes I really feel guilty for not having feelings, if that makes sense.

I saw her a month ago when she moved out of her home. She had a book of her father's I wanted and was irriplacable. The last words I said to her where "I love you" and now I don't feel as bad anymore. I don't worry what she will think of me or what she will think when she dies. And I don't feel that guilty anymore.

It was really like saying goodbye for the last time. Because I was coming clean, she didn't understand that, and it was time for ME to move on.

utopia

amen sista.

i had a similar but still unique experience, i realise i dont know who my mum is anymore, shes changing a lot too, she hasnt recovery and i dont feel ill ever understand her but at least now i know i love her. no matter what,

my dad, a subconscious part of me loves him but mostly he is in my past and thats where he belongs for me.