"What they didn't tell you about 'detachment' in Al-Anon"
 

- Are you being yelled at? Blamed?
- Do you feel you're being humiliated in public?
- Are you being called selfish? (not doing what the other person wants)
- Are you compulsively people pleasing, complying or running away?
- Are you being called childish because you express needs and feelings?
- Are you fearful about expressing your opinion?
- Are you being put down, and grilled - "Perry Mason" style?
- Do you fell stuck because of inappropriate "compassion", "forgiveness" or
"understanding" for this person, BEFORE appropriate anger has been
expressed?
- Do you consistently feel guilty, fearful or angry with this person?
- Do you think those who are nice to you are "stupid, wishy-washy-wimps"?

ACOA'S frequently stay in abusive situations. Abusers may be parents,
employers, spiritual advisors, lovers, spouses, friends, sponsors or yes,
therapists. Abuse arises from a sick need, (frequently of someone who was
also abused) to control, vent anger, boost a sick ego, or to stamp out signs
of health, dissension, independence, love, kindness or joy--expression which
the abuser resents or doesn't understand and may thus label as "weakness".
Abuse can produce effects similar to toxic drugs: borderline functioning,
disorientation, loss of identity, depression, false confidence, no
confidence, acted out anger, lying, self isolation, or shame. Other effects
might be: to follow orders as if sleep-walking, (often against one's better
judgment) or even to perceive the abuser as "wonderful", "my protector".
A common response to abuse in ACOA'S is to blame ourselves, often in a
FIERCE Fourth Step: "dishonest, lazy, scattered, procrastinator, selfish,
intolerant, spiritual midget", and on and on. In fact, all of these
behaviors may frequently be necessary, to defend the psyche against further
disintegration, in the face of continuing abuse.

SOME SUGGESTED SOLUTIONS/ALTERNATIVES:

- Listen to your Intuition, Higher Power, Inner Child: suspect that abuse is
indeed happening if you hear rumblings
- Get outside validation that the abuse is occurring (meetings, therapists,
etc)
- Gradually gather awareness and strength to put the abuse down
- Learn NOT to pick up abuse, as an addict learns not to pick up his drink,
his food, his drugs, his work, his anger - one day at a time
- Prepare exit lines ("I have to call Chicago now"), and walk away from any
situation which threatens to become abusive

AS A RESULT, either: - the abuse will stop
- or you'll be asked to leave
- or you'll CHOOSE to leave the situation, for good!

Any of these actions will be a step towards reintegrating your personality
and living freely - and happily.

from A New York ACOA, March, 1987

Oh, wow, that was just what I needed to hear. And I have been hearing it from all around me lately. Thanks.

AHHHH JT...you are going to make me work at it some more!

But not today, this procrastinator wants a break!

:D

I am going to move this to ACOA.

I never realized that I was living in a problem house. I thought all families were like mine.

Good Morning, home!
Welcome to SR! You've found a place where people understand what you're going through. Take a look around and get comfortable. Read the stickys above. You'll find much important information there.

JT:
This post rang some bells. Before I left my husband, I was talking to a friend who is a psychologist. I was telling him what was going on at home; thinking it was all a result of Trevor's addiction. Imagine my surprise when he said my ex was being quite abusive!
Now, I'd done years of research on domestic violence. The ex never hit. Somehow, despite knowing that violence involves more than physical violence, I had seperated what I was accepting from him from violence. It was a lightbulb moment to be sure.
This is important information. Thanks for sharing it!
Shalom!

Welcome, home...

Me, too! I thought everybody (except me) smoked pot, dealt drugs out of their houses, drank and used and fought and lied and cheated and stole and manipulated and... and... and... I've come to discover that not all families are this sick, but soooooooooooo many are.

The environment I lived in was "normal" for me, as it was my only experience and my frame of reference for what life was supposed to be like. I lived with alcoholism and addiction, but really, I lived in DENIAL.

As painful as it was to find out the truth about my family, I'm glad I did. Today I know I have choices as to how my own family will live...

This is definately very "familiar" to me. I have a problem though. I divorced my husband BECAUSE I came to realize how abusive he was (not technically physically..........he shoved, threw things, just never actually hit) both emotionally and verbally. BUT, now that we are divorced, he treats me worse than EVER before.
Why do I still have contact with him you wonder..........because we have 2 beautiful little children that we have 50/50 custody of.

So, now that I am no longer his wife, it seems as though he doesn't think I deserve ANY kind of decency. He calls me names that would burn your ears off, he yells, swears, belittles........all that great stuff. And, actually, now he only e-mails, which you would think is great but he does all the same stuff in those as well.

I have become pretty good at just ignoring his rantings as I am quite sure he has some psychological issues, but every once in a while, I can't block it out and it hurts. The trick I have been using...........and that has been working GREAT is this. I remember that I won't always be able understand people, I just need to learn to accept them for who and what they are. This has helped sooooooo much because for so long I kept asking "why is he so awful to me? What did I do to deserve this? How could he treat me, someone he loved for 9 years like this? etc etc". Now, when he treats me this way (which is any time we communicate) I just remember it is NOT me.......it is he, and I will never understand why. I just need to accept it and not let it get to me.

Oh, one other trick I learned to deal with him.........it's called "SoberRecovery.com"..........WHAT wonders this site has done for me, and I only just discovered it a few short weeks ago..........THANK YOU!!! :bravo

Wow...

great information..
really puts a face on abuse..
Thanks so much JT...

That word "abuse" keeps coming up when my people are trying to help me. I have a hard time accepting that what I have experienced is abusive. I never felt abused. Maybe neglected, but abuse? That is such a harsh word.

I felt loved most of the time. Sweet little things that he did for me and all those wonderful things that he said to me to make me feel that I was loved. That can't be abuse, can it?

But, there is all the other stuff that alcoholics and addicts do
Lying
Stealing
Causing me to need a blood test
Throwing guilt bombs at me for sending him away "just when he needed me most"

Does that constitute abuse?

I suppose so, but it's such a harsh word, and I have a very hard time putting that together with someone who really was very sweet.

what is up with that?

You mention the sweet things he said and the mean things he did? There is a lot of talk around here about actions not words. Does that help clarify?

i have to wonder...i'm in the process of trying to take the 4th step and being an adult child and a codependent- married to an AH, i have to ask myself honestly- did i share some of this abusive behavior that JT mentions in his post. i'm not saying that my AH didn't do his share of emotional abuse but to take a honest and fearless moral inventory i have to ask myself what was my part in all this. after all the only one we can change is ourselves. i have begun to learn just how sick i was. i am constantly hearing myself say "that is part of my illness" and it is liberating just to be able to be aware of it. JT's post opened my eyes even wider i see alot of my own actions in there exspecially "perry mason".
a relationship is a two way street what ever the dynamics. i'm feeling there are some amends that need to be made on both parts. hopefully with the help of HP we will come out on the other side.

thanks for this post JT now i'm going to open my birthday gifts and TRY to be pleased with everything no matter what it looks like or how much it cost. lol it's the thought that counts.

have a great day everyone- i'm sure gonna try!

Alanon detachment is meant to let you step back and see if you are being abused. It even says in the pamphlet on Detachment "Not to allow yourself to be used or abused in the interest of another's recovery"
Nobody deserves to be abused, not even the Alanon program.