Forgiveness?
Just a fool, swimming in love
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 164
Originally Posted by utopia 
i think anger is a necessary part of healing and comes up now and again. but its about seeing me as a victim, it holds on to the injustice but also disempowers the self as you are still waiting on something outside of yourself to make you feel at peace. acceptance is the key and to learn from the experiences "bad" or "good" in our life to make us richer beings, closer to a full whole person. this is for me. 
I love it when my therapist says "You have good and compelling reasons for feeling the way you do." I get to honor all of my feelings. For me, recovery is reclaiming my right to determine how I will think, feel and act. Choice is empowering.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 94
Originally Posted by Sunlight81
In my case, forgiveness was not for them it was for me.
I had to let go of wanting them to change.
I had to stop waiting for them to apologize.
I had to stop wanting them to love me.
I got to grieve the loss of my childhood.
I got to commit to myself to learn how to love myself.
I did not have to approve, condone or pardon their behavior.
I don't even have to use the word "forgive."
I had to admit that I had been affected by their behavior,
but that recovery would be my job not theirs.
I had to admit that the way I felt about them was hurting me.
Don't get me wrong, I get to be as hurt or angry as I need to be.
But I had to realize the opportunity to heal was inside me.
I get to take the power back.
I get to be my own hero.
This is a gradual process, how far are you ready to go?
I had to let go of wanting them to change.
I had to stop waiting for them to apologize.
I had to stop wanting them to love me.
I got to grieve the loss of my childhood.
I got to commit to myself to learn how to love myself.
I did not have to approve, condone or pardon their behavior.
I don't even have to use the word "forgive."
I had to admit that I had been affected by their behavior,
but that recovery would be my job not theirs.
I had to admit that the way I felt about them was hurting me.
Don't get me wrong, I get to be as hurt or angry as I need to be.
But I had to realize the opportunity to heal was inside me.
I get to take the power back.
I get to be my own hero.
This is a gradual process, how far are you ready to go?
Thank you so much for this.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: south florida
Posts: 80
Originally Posted by katie6
I haven't been here in a while, but I had some revalations and advice lately and I felt like this was the place I needed to be.
My idea of forgiveness is:
something happens
the person who screwed up apologizes after realizing they have done something wrong
the person who was wronged forgives them
But in my situation, my parents have no idea that they did or are doing anything wrong. They are both addicts, both justifying everything they do, and both in denial I guess. I have been in group therapy for a while (it was as a class requirement for my group counseling class and now it's over) and we talked about forgiveness and how I have not forgiven them yet. I don't know how I can forgive them though when there has been no apology or admittance of any wrongdoing. And why should I? To me, that seems almost like admitting defeat.
So I would really like someone to tell me why I am supposed to forgive them and how to even start. Anyone?
My idea of forgiveness is:
something happens
the person who screwed up apologizes after realizing they have done something wrong
the person who was wronged forgives them
But in my situation, my parents have no idea that they did or are doing anything wrong. They are both addicts, both justifying everything they do, and both in denial I guess. I have been in group therapy for a while (it was as a class requirement for my group counseling class and now it's over) and we talked about forgiveness and how I have not forgiven them yet. I don't know how I can forgive them though when there has been no apology or admittance of any wrongdoing. And why should I? To me, that seems almost like admitting defeat.
So I would really like someone to tell me why I am supposed to forgive them and how to even start. Anyone?
well you cant realy forgive perents it is not the same thing and i don't mean that you can't forgive them ,like you just can't or that you should not it is just that the stuff that parents do to you is not the same as stuff that Joe Shmoe does to you on the street.
the things that parents do is what makes you who you are wether there good things or bad things there more like lessons.
you don't have to forgive the stuff that makes you who you are. you can forget that sort of stuff if you can or want to .but eather way you are over it wether you want to admit it or not.that stuff that happened, happened to a little kid and you are now a man or a woman,with memorys.thats all it is is a memory. how can you forgive a memory? it is like forgiving a old movie that is your life.you just cant?
It is you.
And your parents were young or younger and just as stupid and messed up as everyone else.they have to figure out crap on there own to.
you can forgive someone that breaks something or steals something.but the deep or heavy stuff you go through or rember or live with or whatever is something else.forgivness is not the word used for stuff like that.at least in my mind.
Time changes people.maybe the people that you are talking about forgiving or not forgiving are not even there anymore.people get old and just change. and the people that hurt you or **** you off will forget about it and move on allot easyer than the victim will,so realy there is no use of the concept of forgivness.there just not there anymore.
To forgive a memory or forgive pain.is just to hard for me to undestand also. and realy as i have gotten older I have found i realy don't care anymore.maybe if and when i am fealing sory for myself or something or just sort of mater of fact like talking about things that happened when i was a kid,those things that you are talking about forgiving or not will come up.But i don't put another face on them or another name,because it is all me and what makes me .how i talk and fell now. those other people that were around then have changed or are dead or dieing and will die,And you will be left.you are who you are thanks to them .and if it makes you feel better ,they can go to hell!
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