Ahimsa

I am sure there have been many a thread about this topic....the inability to say NO! Why do we do this to ourselves??? Example: I accepted one offer from my boss to pick up a 7a-9p shift at work a few weeks ago. The new schedule just came out and guess who is working EVERY wednesday from 7a-9p??? Me!! And I am sure I could step in to her office and let her know that that shift burns me out and I just can't do it every week...but alas, I am sure I will continue to work it, despite my droopy eyelids by the end of the day. Also, when they call on my day off to see if I can pick up a shift that is short b/c someone else has called out, I can't just say "No thanks, I have plans."....I feel so obligated to be there ASAP, even if I have NO desire to go to work. Not sure if I am worried they will be upset/mad, or what?? I am always volunteering way beyond my means, and am just plain busy and stressed about because I can't say no. I know I am not alone with this...is it an ACoA trait???? Why do we do it? Anyone found a way to step back and stop yourself from saying "YES YES YES!!!"?????

Adore

You have the right to say No to anything that feels uncomfortable.

You are WORTH everything, whether you say yes or no.

We feel so useless inside sometimes as people, from our alcoholic upbringings. we tried and tried an tried without getting anywhere to get love from our parents, to change their situation, and it left us feeling useless and worthless.

I used to be like this. Any opportunity that came along, I HAD TO SAY YES. It just had to be - i was AFRAID to say No.

What happens if we say No. You may fear you will lose your job if you say NO to the boss. That is probably the ultimate fear - the abandonment.

But usually, if we are doing a good job otherwise, then saying No to the extra burden, or the added request, is not going to cause the end of our relationship.

Ask yourself, what do you think would realistically happen if you found the courage to tell your boss, this shift is too much. What are some other options here - could someone else pitch in too so that you ALONE are not carrying the weight? Could more than one person help out.

I'm sure you'd like to help and that's a motivating factor too but at the price of your health it sounds like it is too much.

Ahimsa, you are absolutely worth doing something about it in this situation. Please, don't let this opportunity to grow and practice setting boundaries for yourself.

Please DO SOMETHING about this! Before it turns into a larger resentment, and becomes unmanageable. I let my work hours get out of control, and found myself acting out in anger, towards my boss, in more destructive ways, which lead me to quitt the job out of frustration and ultimately a burned bridge... (Yikes!)

Hopefully you're a totally different person and that should not happen to you.

lots of love...

socalgal

Saying no is ok and it is not easy to do. For me it is about self-care, something I am not very good at. I always seem to feel obligated to meet everybody else's needs and neglect my own. It is something that I am working on. I actually didn't even realize how much I neglected my own self until I got sick a few weeks ago.

My normal routine is to just keep going, take care of the kids, the house, work, etc. This time everybody got well except me. Actually, this happens every time. I ended up with a sinus infection, bronchitis, two ear infections. I am still getting over a secondary ear infection. The lesson, start taking care of myself.

It is an ACoA trait to have trouble saying no. We attatch our worth to how much we do or accomplish. I agree with Adore. You are worth everything, no matter what you do . You are worth no less if you decide to stay in bed all day (I think I wrote that for myself!) Seriously, your worth is intrinsic and it is not connected to what you accomplish. Also, I believe there is that fear that something "bad" might happen if we say no.

Be your own loving parent and set boundaries. I'll try to do the same,OK?

Strength and courage.

Love,
K

cuttlefish

Ahimsa, your job dilemma sounds like me. My previous job, I would pick up extra shifts when people would call in sick, even though I had homework to do (college and working at the same time). I would take up extra slack in chores at home, or take on the emotional baggage of my friends - I wanted to be seen as 'good enough'.

I'm new here, but I do think this people-pleaser thing is common to ACoA's. It's a weird twisted perfectionism thing, and I see it in so many of my own friends its scary. How many are superheros not out of altruism, but because you can't help but saying yes??

Only in the last month I've been learning when to say no. My bf was in rehab coincidently. The thought that he went to get help, but I still felt crushed and overwhelmed, opened my eyes. I found I could help myself too. It's just as hard to say no to people as to alcohol I think.

I've tried it with my mother...of course huge fights and the cold-shoulder for a few days. But oh my god, we have such a different dynamic, it feels healthier now. I feel more confident...at work I can say I can't do something because I don't know how, without fearing I'm going to be fired. An old friend asked me to move in with her and I said no, yet I know we will still be friends. I've learned just when to say I'm busy, and not to take on others emotional crap when I have too much of my own.

I feel a new freedom in being SELFISH. I meet my basic responsibilities, and I have the knowledge that everything is OPTIONAL. And people are more resilient than you think...if they are mad or disapointed, they will get over it