22Tango

At least I think thats what I am aiming for. Lemme explain....

If you have been reading any of my recent posts (Had to Leave....is one of them) then you will know that recently, my life went to hell in a handbasket. After my divorce, I moved in with a woman and her child to share their home. Unfortunately, she is nucking futs and after she told me off in front of my kids and then told me I would no longer be allowed to lock the door to my room when I left the house, I said forget it....I'm done with you.

Anywho, on an emergency basis I had to move myself and the 2 young kids back in with the ex. He has been sober for 12 years, but we had a very bitter divorce that was only finalized in October. We both seem to have gotten over most of that, however, and are acting surprisingly civil towards one another.

But an issue I have always had with him - and with others in my life - is how to respectfully resist their well-intentioned plans for me and state my opinion on how things ought to be done. Now I realize that recent developments in my life do not exactly portray me as the world's best decision maker. And I am open to suggestions from others on how I should consider doing things. Perhaps this is the HPs way of chipping away at me to get me more humble and teachable. What annoys me is when people talk to me as if their plans for me are a foregone conclusion - when they say "So, when did you say you were gonna _____?" when I agreed to nothing of the sort. I hate confrontation and other people's anger scares the hell out of me, and admit (in a bit of 12 Steppin' /ACoA honesty) that I will sometimes lie to avoid it if it is sprung on me suddenly. Not something I am proud of, but true.

So maybe we are talking boundaries here. But part of the problem I am having right now is because I am staying with the ex, I have to step lightly on confrontation. But even in the sad state my life is in right now, I don't think a total lack of boundaries furthers my recovery or his.

Sigh...I don't know what I am trying to say here. If someone reads this and gets a clear picture of what I am trying to get at, please let me know.

ICU

I don't particularly care for confrontation either, but it is unfortunately, a part of life.

I'm not 'sure' that I have a clear picture of what you're saying, but see if you think this might be useful....

These are non-confrontational replies I've practiced for when people try to infringe on my decision making process.....

"Interesting"
"I'll give that some thought"
"I'll take that under advisement"
"Hmmmm....never thought of it like that before"
"I'll have to get back to you on that"
"I'll sleep on it and let you know what "I" decide"
"Thanks, for the additional insight"
"I am happy with my decision, but thanks anyway"

The above is said with the friendliest, most sincere voice and tone that I can muster. Literally, I would practice in the mirror. Seeing my own reflection while saying it made it more real and believable for me.

Was any of this what you are looking for? Or helpful?

Now, when are you going to do it? I'm just kidding, hope you don't mind my weird little sense of humor!

SaTiT

thanks ICU

I'll have remember those

GingerM

I'll add to ICU's list (a very good list, I might add):

"That's certainly something to think about"

My family has been using that with my mom for some number of years - to the point where if anyone says it to any other family member, we *know* we just stepped on a boundary.

All these statements have a tendency to chop the other person off at the knees though. Oftentimes, when someone is offering advice, they're doing so in the hopes that their own fears/concerns are going to be validated (only you can tell, sometimes the cutting them off is just fine). Some phrases that work well in those situations:

I understand you're concerned about ___; at the moment I don't think your suggestion is quite what we need.

I know you really want to help us, however we're really going to be okay on the path we're currently on.

I realize you're worried and you're trying to make things better for everyone, and I think this is something I really need to work through on my own.

Note that in all cases, you start your boundary defense with acknowledging the other person's feelings. If they feel heard, it may cut down on future occurances of "helping".

Try to bear in mind that although it may feel pushy to you (because of your past triggers) the person making the suggestions may really not be *trying* to violate your boundaries (hubby and I went through this - I thought he was pushing, I had to learn to say 'no' in a way he could hear it, and he had to learn to 'hear' my no). They may really be trying to help, which can create some hard feelings if they're trying to help and you cut them off at the pass.

I prefer the second way (to let them know you hear their concern first, then let them know what you're planning - even if it's just taking more time to make up your mind) with most people. With my mom, a "that's certainly something to think about" makes her feel like she's said something powerfully insightful (making her happy) while getting me out of making any committment to follow her 'advice'.

Cecilia

I dont care for confrontation either altho I can hold my own when I need to. I just dont see the need to subject myself to the stress of it all unnecessarily. . I see no reason to argue cause in the end I choose what Im gonna do. You dont get to choose.

I agree with ICU and the others. Most people just want to be acknowledged. They need to know that you heard them. You have an interesting point etc works just fine. Notice I didnt say I agreed with your point. LOL. Just because someone tells me to do something doesnt mean I have to do it.