GiveLove

I am a recovering ACoA who (I think) has come a long way. On most days, I feel as healthy -- or more healthy -- than any non-ACoA person around, and my life is busy and strong and happy.

I'm having a tough time right now with a friend/acquaintance who is also an ACoA but who is not in recovery. She has been unhappy for her entire life, has no self-confidence, can't see the possibilities for improvement anywhere, and is constantly in some kind of high drama (losing lovers, losing homes, health, jobs, etc.) She refuses to go to therapy because "she tried that before and it didn't work" and she blames her alcoholic family for everything that's ever gone wrong for her. Worst of all, she states - at least once every time I see her - that she wants to end it all.

Now....it's taken more than 20 years to get over the suicide of my sister. I have finally come to peace with it, but find that these frequent mentions of it just trigger the worst in me. All of a sudden...I find myself back in the helplessness and agony of it all again, and it takes a day or two to balance myself out again.

This person likes to be with me...I'm stable, I'm a good listener, and I have good ideas for things she can try to recover from all of the setbacks she keeps having. I'm one of her only friends, and she has completely disowned everyone in her family. She is intelligent and thoughtful and supportive in her own way whenever there's anything crisis-like that happens....lots of practice, I guess. But her intense victim mentality really puts a dent in my peace of mind.

I don't really know what to do. I try to help, but she shoots down every bit of good advice I come up with, even things that worked for me. Do I just suck it up as part of friendship? Stop spending any time with her at all? Tell her that I'm not comfortable with the things she talks about? Just avoid her?

Has anyone ever been through this? I'm just at a loss for what to do that will keep me on a healthy path.

Thanks in advance for any advice, even if it's "Way out there"

GiveLove

Mlynn

I am sorry that you are having to deal with this now. This girl seems like she really depends on your support....or perhaps like her relationship with or attachment to you is quite co-dependant. The question is...is this relationship healthy for YOU. I think thats a question that only you can answer.

I think ACOA's tend to be drawn twards other children of Dysfunctional families because we can "relate"....but things can get difficult when you find your self in a diffrent place on your path twards recovery. My good friend is an adult child of a drug user & of a mentally ill person (father/mother). She had a rough life. Our relationship has been strong for years - the years when I was most unhealthy. When there was a time period in my life when I was the healthiest I have ever been & happy & doing really well....her behavior really drained & baffled me. I was happy & possitive & I felt she would always bring down the mood by talking about all her problems & finding something horrible and ugly in every situation. She does live from the stance of a victom & she also isin't in recovery either. She is now involved in a verbally abusive relationship with a man who never lets her see me or any of her other friends. When we do get together it is mostly when I put in the effort to go visit her at her place of employment(which is pretty close to my home).

I think when you see something from new eyes....from healthier eyes....behaviors which were once found to be comftering(ie. having an outlet to complaign about your problems in the other friend who was also negative) is now found to be very disturbing and unnessicary. I truely believe that when/if/once you are healthy - you become very disturbed by the behaviors of "unhealthy" people. Perhaps the healthier you become the more you notice her negativity and are begining to realize that that isin't a "place" that you want to be anymore. I don't know. Sorry for rambling. Hope some of that was helpful. Good luck.

GiveLove

Thanks, Mlynn! It's really, really helpful.
GL

TheGirlInside

Give Love,

That is the COOLEST picture...I copied and pasted it to send it out...hope you don't mind. Can you tell me about its background?

I had a couple of friends I had to "let go"...one who was essentially my sponsor in ACOA (though not officially), and she was such a drain on me, that I found myself avoiding her calls, and feeling frustrated whenever my phone would ring and I would see her number on the ID. She is one of those people who will call and call and call, and repeat herself many times during a conversation. She had this habit of putting down the "midwestern culture" which after a while, started to feel like a personal insult. She had hip surgery, and I helped take care of her pets while she was recuperating, and then cleaned her apartment, so that she could relax and take it easy when she got home. She turned my attempts at kindness as some sort of insult, asking me if I thought she was disgusting or a slob or something. I was very hurt. The last straw was the day I had my two young girls with me, and they were so looking forward to seeing her, and all this woman could do was gripe and swear about some man who had made what she thought was a rude comment to her. I just gave up on her and refused to take any more phone calls, because I was not willing to confront her and put up with personal attacks.

The second woman I still consider a friend. Based on the things she told me about her mother and the things that went on in her childhood, she seemed like an ACOA also...but, she was nice, and working towards improving her life in her own way. I did borrow her a couple of books, and she said that she read them, but was not interested in attending a meeting. I was fine with that...she had some drama, but we both leaned on each other. But, I had to let her go, because after a while, I was the only one pursuing the relationship. I miss her and would like to see her more often, but I guess I'll have to leave that in God's hands.

If your friend just wants to gripe, but doesn't want to do a thing to improve her situation, she's not being a true friend. She's being a drain. A true friend will give as well as receive. God bless,

katwomankc

hello i am a addict plus my mom is a alcoholic. and i just wanted to say that i am new here. i came here for my addiction but i seen this and i can relate. thanks

utopia

for me, there has to be apoint where i draw the line and create BOUNDARIES for acceptable behaviour. i only choose to be friends with people who do not cross those boundaries, i also choose to be with people who support me and dont negate life for i find it too demoralising, this is for me. if someone cant respect my space and is unwilling to do anything about it then i will not be around them because i have to come first. i am not responsible for others, only myself, i need to read DETACHMENT flyers and readings, go to meetings, pray on the situation and if i feel uncomfortable, used, the counsellor, the fixer, the saviour, its time to let my feelings be known and take a stand on my own behalf because NO ONE ELSE WILL BECAUSE I AM AN ADULT NOW. peace and love to you.

GiveLove

Hi girlinside,
I wish I could take credit for that picture! I think I found it on one of the stock photo places a long time ago and just dug it out recently to use here. I think it's cool too....it makes me feel like all things are possible, for some reason.

Thanks (to everybody!) for the good advice and direction. I'll journal about this a bit more and see what rises to the top. I have visions of myself being supportive, but like utopia says, it's demoralizing....I find myself just wanting to go home and sleep for a week to recover from swimming in that big sea of hopelessness and negativity.....sigh

Thanks, all, for being here and for being you.
Love,
GL

utopia

i believe in you and your ability to take a stand on your own beautiful behalf

cuttlefish

hey GiveLove, I'm new here but you are describing a current friendship I have. This friend had a crappy childhood, and her mother's problems follow her even now. Despite her background, she made it through college and is on her way to her dream career. Yet I see her caught up in bad relationships, family problems still sucking her up.

We were roommates for a year, and I started to stay away from home to avoid her 'black cloud'...our other roommates even avoided her bathroom (our of 6 girls and 2 bathrooms, we had 5 girls using one by the end of the year!)
She is a cool person when happy, we have the same academic and personal interests, we can relate. But lately whenever we talk its so she can complain about what is going wrong now, and how she can't fix it. I'm so drained after I talk to her, I've avoided her. She asked me to move in with her, and I said no...i can't imagine another year of her 'black cloud.'

I'm tired of offering up ideas she won't follow, I'm tired of her never taking responsibility for whatever she thinks is wrong in her life. I'm tired of being emotionally taken advantage of...all her other friends have slowly stopped talking to her, now I see why.

I'm trying to get to a better place in my life, and if someone else is bringing me down, out they go. My peace of mind is too important to sacrifice by trying to be friends with someone who can't respect or help theirself. A friendship should be a two-way thing, and be productive. Don't feel bad or guilty that you are at a different point in your life now...that happens and friendships drift. Maybe one day she will be in a healthier place, until then deal with her in the manner you need to to keep you sanity