Layla2222

Something really strange happened today.....not bad.....maybe even a good thing....but it was wierd. I dont know if I had posted about this on here....but I actually DID end up confronting my dad, and he ACTAULLY responsded in a really positive way....he even tells me he loves me now (I can tell he is making an effort)......however, on the other hand he hasnt said anything about our "little" discussion since, and still tries to control me, and still continues to say and do abusive things (verbally)...... Well, today we all had to go to a family hockey game....and as we were walking out of the hockey areana thru the crowds of people, my dad grabbed my hand and was holding it. It felt SOOOOO uncomfortable and wierd, I could harldy stand it! It's like, well I guess this is what I have yearned for for so long, but it's just TOOOO wierd! Does that make sense? I cant even describe the uncomfortableness of it.....I was paranoid, and ended up actually pretending like I needed to make a phone call to slip out of his hand. I kind of started to think to myself, "Well this is great and all.....but I could of used your hand when I was 5.....not now when I'm 25" ..................ya know? I dont know, I guess Im just confused about the whole thing, and I even feel a little guilty, becuase I'm thinking some ACoA's would die for thier dad to act like this, and here I am complaining about it?!? Does this make sense to anyone? I dont know what to do or how to act, or HOW to handle these feelings....
Thanks for listening!!!
Much love & support!! ~Stephanie

Wascally Wabbit

It seems quit normal to me. You have had years of these feelings. Now that childhood is gone, and you get your hearts desire as an adult, it's just different thats all.
Enjoy it all you can!
My mom has NEVER been one of those "loving" people. She is a good person, and has been in aa for 27 years. But, she has a coldness about her. I tell you that I am 51 years old and I still pine to put my head in my mama's lap and have her stroke my hair till I fall asleep.
We yearn for that parental love. So, enjoy it now that you finally have it!
My dad died when I was 13.

cmc

Thank you for sharing about your dad. I don't know your story but I can see that your recovery seems to be bringing good things into being- more than things just for yourself. This happening after your talk with him means alot and I guess like all life changes, it may take a bit at a time to get used to these changes.
I'm happy for your dad especially- this may be just the beginning of a healing-time for him too. Who knows that maybe he needed that 'touch' more than you?

justicej

I think I hear your dis-ease and confusion. I hope you know that while we share our stories, and empathise especially over the things we have in common, that your recovery is your own. It is a precious gift in it's own form. As is mine and the next person's. Please don't ever worry about offending me, or complaining about something I might or might not wish for. Your process is too special to be confused with comparing it to another's. I know it might be hard at times. There were days when I wanted affirmation about what is normal. I can't say it will help you but faith (not religion) held me through the tough spots. The wise friends here told me to trust in that inner voice, to stop looking for outside validation.
Good luck in your journey.
Thank you for sharing.

SaTiT

Thats great Layla.

I still love my father very much. He's not all bad.
There's moments...
Sometimes when I'm down & out and I feel life ain't worth a dime.
My father would just play his guitar and sing to me.

I don't hate my father, i just hate the dis-ease.
He's sick.

it's confusing...to do as he say and not do as he do.

GingerM

I do know that feeling. It makes me squirm in my skin when my parents offer anything more than the initial greeting hug. I'm not sure if it's because I'm still repulsed by their behavior or if it's because I still see it as a violation of my physical boundaries or what. But I do very well know that feeling - and I don't know what to do with it/make of it either, so I just accept that the feeling is there and move forward.

Morning Glory

I know that feeling very well and I've been trying to figure out what causes it. I haven't had much luck. I feel like crying just sitting at the dinner table with my mom and the same when my father was still alive. I could cry just typing this out. I just don't know what it is.

I think part of it is that I had to cope by not ever expecting anything and I think I coped with all my relationships that way. If I don't expect anything I don't have to experience all that pain of all the neglect. When someone tries to give something to me it is just too hard to face. Even a compliment is painful. I still need awareness in this area. I haven't hit the bottom of it yet.

Hugs to all,
MG

ICU

Hi Stephanie,

It's my first time posting in this particular forum, (I do lurk quite often) but your post touched my heart and brought back a memory that I'd like to share. And yes, what you shared makes perfect sense to me!

To briefly describe my childhood...neither of my parents were alcoholics, but I grew up in a dysfunctional family nonetheless. I don't ever remember being told I was loved, special, or ever being hugged. The only touches I remember were punishing, and those happened quite often.

Then once when I was a teenager I was sitting on the floor watching tv. My Dad was leaving for his part time job at night and when he said goodbye, I saw his hand approaching my face and instinctively I tried to pull away in time, but his hand still made contact. I remember my face stung where his hand had touched me as if he had just slapped me, even though his touch was light and gentle. I pulled back and covered that part of my face in order to protect myself from any further contact. His loving gesture and my over-reaction (or I should probably say 'conditioned response') surprised me.

This however was even more surprising. When I looked in his eyes, there was no anger to be seen, only pain. With no words spoken, I could tell how sorry he was for all those wasted years and for the pain he had caused previously. I also felt guilt, because for the first time he reached out (the way I never knew I always wanted), I anticipated being hit and reacted accordingly. I'm sure it was not his intention to alarm me.

As the years have gone by, we have both worked towards making up for all those lost years of no affection. Today I'm happy to say that not a conversation goes by where we don't say "I love you" to each other. And not a meeting goes by where we don't kiss and hug each other as we say hello and goodbye.

I'm not saying that life is perfect, he's still stubborn and demanding, and I'm still a child trying to get his approval on some levels (when I'm aware I stop myself). And, we don't 'talk' about the old days either. I guess sometimes for some people, some things are better left unsaid. But there's a lot to be said about action....And when you think about it, it all boils down to progress, not perfection!

If two people work towards it, things can change for the better. It takes time to learn how to begin on a new, healthier and more loving path. But it is possible.

I hope you and your Dad find the same thing to be true with your relationship. He may not say everything you want to hear right now, or maybe never, but, his hand holding yours is a very similar start to how my Dad and I began to turn our relationship around. And it all started with him gently reaching out his hand!

I wish you both well.

DesertEyes

Wonderful thread gang, here's my .02

For me it's plain old Pavlov, or PTSD if you prefer. As a child being the center of attention meant that large amounts of pain were inminent. My kid brother was too small to run, so he developed skills as a clown. Whenever he was the center of attention he distracted them with clowning, and saved himself a huge amount of pain. I was bigger, so I was able to run away and never became a clown.

I've read that one of the very first skills a baby learns is how to draw attention to their needs. Crying, cooing and other such cutesy noises is how a baby learns to get their needs met. I have no memory of it being done to me, but I remember the beatings that younger siblings got when they cried, cooed or maybe any kinda noise or movement. That kind of learning at a very early age, and at a very fundamental and biological level is called "imprinting". Just like ducks fresh out of the egg will "imprint" on anything above them as "mother", so do babies imprint on anything that responds to their crying and cooing.

I am imprinted. The center of attention brings out deep chemical responses in me, no matter what the circumstance. I understand it, and am able to overcome it with a little meditation and focusing of my mind. Still, it's part of my biology that I don't expect will ever go away. The good news is that it makes me a fabulous listener, I have a "talent" for being aware of _where_ a person is focusing their attetntion, which means I can easily "direct" a conversation and help people to focus on themselves instead of me. I'da made a great shrink

Mike

GingerM

Boy, isn't that the truth! My husband has a large family. When we got married, he wanted/was expected to have a big wedding. I didn't want a big (read 300 guests) wedding. As the processional music was starting, my dress was half off and I was dry heaving over a garbage can. This is my clearest memory of our wedding. To me "center of attention" = "danger".

I've since told hubby that I am never marrying him again

Layla2222

THANK YOU EVERYONE! wow-- you guys helped me a lot, and I think the biggest part was knowing that I am not alone--and that this feeling is felt by many others. I was feeling so guilty for not wanting to hold his hand, but it's expected....when this man hasnt even said "I love you" once in the 25 years I've been alive...and all of the sudden he wants to hold my hand....it's a bit uncomfortable. I am so grateful though that he is making an effort, and like CMC said...."Who knows, he might of needed that touch more than you".....I never thought about it from that perspective....I hope we can heal together....although I know it will take time.
I also thought of another thing as I was pondering this strange feeling.....I think it was EXTRA wierd for me becuase we were in a crowd and noone could see us holding hands....meaning it wasnt "for show". I feel like sometimes he hugs me or kisses me on the cheek but ONLY in front of people....so he doesnt look "bad", does that make sense? I guess this particular expierence was very powerful becuase I knew there was noone to "show off" to.....he was holding my hand becuase he wanted to, and that has never happened before.
Well, thank you again everyone!! You give me such wonderful support, and I am greatly appriciative :o)
Much love!
~Stephanie