Adore

I'm wondering how i could cope with such madness around me (as a child). when i was little, my father used to drink starting at around 7 or 8 pm and until the early hours of the morning. He liked whiskey. (it still disgusts me).

You know how traumatic that was seeing that destruction? It was like seeing self-destruction and it is just so f@d up that this is how he chose to deal with his life. what a f'd up example he set for us! i know it wasn't his finest moment in life and he would take it back if he could, but it still f#ing hurts.

Being around destruction like that is just, well, there are no words for it. for the effect on one's self-esteem, sense of self and boundaries and lack of protection.

It doesn't make sense why this happens to some people in life. Why?

Please help...if anyone has answers. I'm just feeling lousy tonite.

SaTiT

I don't know why. I thought it was normal. My father would drink
gallons and gallons of the stuff as long as I could remember.

I actaully had to tell my teacher and friends that i got my arss kick
in a fight with some kid instead of my father, I had two black eyes.
And no there's no word for it..becuase I can't really put one single word
on it. It's just all F$#@k up

My father is far, far from taking anything back.
I worry about my mother...it's getting worst and worst.
She's a very strong woman, but it's taking it's toll on her.
I visit my mother as much as I can. I actually wacthed my mother
run out of her house screaming in the middle of the night in tears
telling my father to stop tormenting her. The only reason why he
stop was he saw me from a distance.

Life is unfair, but you're not alone. You 're not single out.
I know it dosn't make you feel any better...I know where you're
coming from.

i don't know.....the answer to the F@#k up riddle.
But i do care about you even if i don't know you.

just keep posting, I'll listen

DesertEyes

Hey there Adore,

You're right, there are no words to describe it. Around here you don't _have_ to describe it cuz we all know what you mean. We have all lived it.

I found the answer to that question in the program of ACoA. The answer for me is that the reason in happened to _me_ was to give me the opportunity to find recovery for _me_. I have been able to build a good life for _me_, I have broken the "chain" of abuse that has cursed my family as far back as anyone can remember. Recovery has made it possible for me to be a decent person, to be a good friend, husband and father.

Recovery taught me that the best way for me to overcome the damage that was to stop looking at the damage and instead focus on building a better future. As long as I ask "why" I am focusing on the past. Instead I ask "how", as in "how do I build my future".

I'm so sorry Adore, I've had days and nites like that too. You are already building a better future for you, just by posting here and sharing with us. Know that you are in my prayers today and every day.

Mike

apart

Hi you have touched on a question that I can not seem to come with terms with. I lost my A to the disease and as I look back I just can not rationalize in my mind such self destruction. That is what haunts me every day. Thank you for your post

GingerM

The only explanation I've ever managed to find was by looking at the generation above.

We're born into our situations. Then we learn how to be in the world based on how are parents are in the world. Then we move on to become adults, and we carry that with us.

Some of us are capable of stepping outside our little sphere and seeing that something's not right, and are strong enough to decide we don't want to live that way anymore.

Some of us aren't. My parents weren't that strong. My mom is intimidated by the world, my dad - well, he just smothers his issues in sauce. They carry the same hurts that I do, they just chose different coping mechanisms than I do. I'd like to think mine are healthier.

I could have just as easily gone down that same road, using the same tools and mechanisms that they still use. I chose not to. I saw that something wasn't right. They don't see it, even after counselling, they still don't see it, and I can't make them, nor will I try.

And who knows how many generations back the problem goes. So it gets handed down like some warped family heirloom, until someone has the personal insight to say "no thanks, I don't want that, it's garbage" and remove themselves from it.

Mike can attest that often it's just one member of the family who does this. And it's not uncommon that that one member is then made to feel like *they're* the one in the wrong. But better healthy and "black sheeped" than miserable and continuing the cycle.

I'm sorry you're feeling down.

SaTiT

I guess I'm lucki for getting into recovery or got sober at a young at. (22)
Probably becuase i was really sick and the alcohol and drug abuss
never took the pain away. I promise myself I would never be like that
man, but there i was doing the samething.

Maybe it was a blessing that i lost my daughter.

My relationship with my step son is not perfect , but it's a
far cry from how I grew up. We are actaully very close.
He never saw me drunk or high once...

I'm not sure why these issues are starting to come to surface for me,now.
Probably becuase my father is still a mean drunk and when not drunk.

I'm the blacksheep of family of course.
My concerns are with my nephew and nieces, becuase they live
under the same roof as my parents.

I try to pass on as much as i can. All of the kid has the traits
of Acoc, it's basically like stairing into a mirror of myself
when i was living under that household. With just what little
i was able to share with them , there's a change in thier
out look.

I don't know if i'm able to end all of the krama in my family.
In this generation. It helps me heals too ...i suppose, when
I share with my nephew.

I don't have all the answers..i just do the best as i can.

I still havn't done any in depth reserch on ACOC.
I'm just getting here to this piont in my journey of life.

I read somewhere that 1 alcoholic effects at least 10-12 peaple in their lives.

Wascally Wabbit

My father died when I was 13 and my mom began her drunken journey to destroying everything around her.
I lived the hell with a viciously mean drunk.
As an adult, I spent most of my life away from her. SHe wound up sobering up through AA and goes on to live a full happy life now.
And here I was battling all kinds of anxieties, addictions and feeling it was all her fault.
Now that I am older, I realized that what ever I do with my life is my decision. I do not have to be a slave to anothers addictions and allow it to take over my own life.
I had to forgive her. Because, really she was doing the only thing she could at that time.
Once I forgave her my whole outlook on life changed. Then it was time to change my self. My attitudes, my thinking, everything!
I hate it that we have been chosen by the universe to suffer the horrors of alcoholism, but, thankfully,we can live a full life if we have the courage to change ourselves.

Adore

Thanks... Love and thanks for your experience and support.