Please welcome mla604
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: vancouver BC Canada
Posts: 1
wanted to intro myself first but think I can help
Hey there, just wanted to put something out there that has worked for me. When we were calm and happy my bf and me sat down and made rules about fighting. Sounds weird but I explained how scary it was when he always went to :I'm leaving" While talking about it he was able to explain that he didn't ever want to actually leave, he just wanted to express how serious, how hurt, the situation had made him and didn't think anyone could get the depth of it unless he totally over dramatized it. I was able to put that as my absolute rule: Don't say you are going to leave, unless it's "I'm going outside for a minute to collect my thoughts"
There are things you can say, and do, that you can't take back or make up for. We were able to make each other aware of what those buttons were for us and agree to fight about the issue at hand not drag everything else into it. Of course it's not perfect when you're angry it's hard to get the list of rules, but it's somewhere to start. And just making the rules gave us a lot of understanding about the others feellings. I guess you have to believe in your heart that you could be alright on your own so that you are sharing your life with someone, not depending on them to keep you alive, or you'll always be scared they''ll leave because you actually NEED them.
I love it here so far, wish you all a happy 24.
m
There are things you can say, and do, that you can't take back or make up for. We were able to make each other aware of what those buttons were for us and agree to fight about the issue at hand not drag everything else into it. Of course it's not perfect when you're angry it's hard to get the list of rules, but it's somewhere to start. And just making the rules gave us a lot of understanding about the others feellings. I guess you have to believe in your heart that you could be alright on your own so that you are sharing your life with someone, not depending on them to keep you alive, or you'll always be scared they''ll leave because you actually NEED them.
I love it here so far, wish you all a happy 24.
m
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello there mla, and welcome to SoberRecovery.
Thank you for sharing how you and your bf worked out the "rules of fighting". That's awesome that you guys are so organized about that.
I'm glad you like it here, and I hope to hear more from you.
Mike
Thank you for sharing how you and your bf worked out the "rules of fighting". That's awesome that you guys are so organized about that.
I'm glad you like it here, and I hope to hear more from you.
Mike
In Recovery
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 259
MLA,
That is very cool, and IMO, a sign of a healthy, giving relationship (not that I would recognize one...lol) that you can both talk about arguing and rules without having a raging argument about it!
I like the idea.
That is very cool, and IMO, a sign of a healthy, giving relationship (not that I would recognize one...lol) that you can both talk about arguing and rules without having a raging argument about it!
I like the idea.
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