Anger....and it is intense......
Getting out of my own way!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Looking for a place to turn around
Posts: 257
Anger....and it is intense......
I posted about this on another thread...but I want to post here too....I have been clean from all my isms for 38 days. All of a sudden I just have this intense anger that I don't know what to do with...I prayed, I journaled, I did all kinds of things and still lost it.
My mother was a raging alcoholic...and abusive. So I tend to get very out of control when I am angry. My poor hubby gets most of it. I won't express anger to outsiders lol for fear they won't like me. sounds so "sick" in words don't it?
My mother was a raging alcoholic...and abusive. So I tend to get very out of control when I am angry. My poor hubby gets most of it. I won't express anger to outsiders lol for fear they won't like me. sounds so "sick" in words don't it?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Anger is a secondary emotion. I would hazard a guess that 90% of the time it comes from either unmet expectations or violations of trust (or both).
The key to working with and eliminating anger is to determine what it is that you're feeling first, before the anger kicks in.
Are you angry that your mother wasn't there for you? Did support you? Was physically violent? If so, why do you expect her to behave any other way? Because she "should"? (That sets you up for an unmet expectation every time - people don't behave the way they do based on the "shoulds" of others - except maybe us AC's, and we're not being healthy when we do so. People behave the way they do because that is who they are).
Was your trust in your mother violated because she "should" have been safe? Because she "should" have been loving and nurturing? Is it realistic to expect that from someone who is behaving in a manner which indicates that they are incapable of loving and nurturing *themselves*?
Once you can identify exactly what it is that is triggering the anger, you can work on that root cause. Reframing your own expectations, accepting what is for what is without judgement. Realizing that while you *wish* things were different ("wishes" have no expectations associated with them - I wish I had thin thighs and a pony too), they were not different.
Accepting what has been, and in some cases, what still is, as something you have no control over, and something which, while you may not like it, you have no reason to expect it to be different, will go a long ways towards helping you with your anger outbursts.
It will also help your husband tremendously, as you will be able to say "I'm not angry at you, I'm angry because I expected X and I didn't get it. It was not a rational expectation, but I still feel let down by it." That is much easier for husband's to understand than a sudden outburst of anger for no reason (voice of experience and a few years of marriage counseling there).
I hope you find your peace wherever you end up looking for it. I know that uncontrollable anger is a tough one to work with, and it is not only harmful to those around you, it also eats at you and drains your energy.
The key to working with and eliminating anger is to determine what it is that you're feeling first, before the anger kicks in.
Are you angry that your mother wasn't there for you? Did support you? Was physically violent? If so, why do you expect her to behave any other way? Because she "should"? (That sets you up for an unmet expectation every time - people don't behave the way they do based on the "shoulds" of others - except maybe us AC's, and we're not being healthy when we do so. People behave the way they do because that is who they are).
Was your trust in your mother violated because she "should" have been safe? Because she "should" have been loving and nurturing? Is it realistic to expect that from someone who is behaving in a manner which indicates that they are incapable of loving and nurturing *themselves*?
Once you can identify exactly what it is that is triggering the anger, you can work on that root cause. Reframing your own expectations, accepting what is for what is without judgement. Realizing that while you *wish* things were different ("wishes" have no expectations associated with them - I wish I had thin thighs and a pony too), they were not different.
Accepting what has been, and in some cases, what still is, as something you have no control over, and something which, while you may not like it, you have no reason to expect it to be different, will go a long ways towards helping you with your anger outbursts.
It will also help your husband tremendously, as you will be able to say "I'm not angry at you, I'm angry because I expected X and I didn't get it. It was not a rational expectation, but I still feel let down by it." That is much easier for husband's to understand than a sudden outburst of anger for no reason (voice of experience and a few years of marriage counseling there).
I hope you find your peace wherever you end up looking for it. I know that uncontrollable anger is a tough one to work with, and it is not only harmful to those around you, it also eats at you and drains your energy.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
When I was really angry I journalled to help get it out. And you know what I noticed later? When I went back and read, my first pages were full of rage at my alcoholic husband. Days and days of listing all of his offenses against me, all the ways he let me down as a partner, all the things he did to me, said to me, etc. After a few weeks of railing on him in my journal, my anger came full circle and I realized that I was angry at myself. Angry that I put up with that treatment for so many years, that I did nothing to make my life better, that I allowed my children to live a dysfunctional life for much of their precious childhood....and on and on.
Once I released the anger, realized that it was really about me and not him, then I was able to forgive, both him AND myself. It took many weeks/months and a lot of counseling sessions before I came to that point. You can't rush it, all you can do is try not to hurt the ones you love as you work through it.
L
Once I released the anger, realized that it was really about me and not him, then I was able to forgive, both him AND myself. It took many weeks/months and a lot of counseling sessions before I came to that point. You can't rush it, all you can do is try not to hurt the ones you love as you work through it.
L
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
You're welcome trying. I forgot in my first post I was going to say this:
Every once in a while, I'll become extremely mad about not getting something I thought I "should" get. It usually is something little, like I thought I was going to watch a movie that night, but something happened and I couldn't see it. And I'll be angry (out of proportion angry at times). My husband will pick up on it (pretty hard to miss, really) and I will tell him "I'm being three right now. I wanted the world to be a particular way and I didn't get what I wanted. It will pass."
And it is the truth. Sometimes I get mad because I wanted the world to fit my view of it, rather than changing my view to fit the way the world is. It takes me a little while sometimes to re-orient myself, but I'm always fine.
And since my husband knows I'm not angry at him, he doesn't get worked up, making things worse. He just backs off and waits for me to work it out in my own head. Why he puts up with me sometimes, I don't know, but I sure am glad he does
Every once in a while, I'll become extremely mad about not getting something I thought I "should" get. It usually is something little, like I thought I was going to watch a movie that night, but something happened and I couldn't see it. And I'll be angry (out of proportion angry at times). My husband will pick up on it (pretty hard to miss, really) and I will tell him "I'm being three right now. I wanted the world to be a particular way and I didn't get what I wanted. It will pass."
And it is the truth. Sometimes I get mad because I wanted the world to fit my view of it, rather than changing my view to fit the way the world is. It takes me a little while sometimes to re-orient myself, but I'm always fine.
And since my husband knows I'm not angry at him, he doesn't get worked up, making things worse. He just backs off and waits for me to work it out in my own head. Why he puts up with me sometimes, I don't know, but I sure am glad he does
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Pasadena,Ca
Posts: 147
I have found that very often my anger is really coming from a place of fear and, ultimately, sadness. Lately, what presents as anger over some little or irrational issue with my husband seems to be linked (eventually) to some unspoken fear and very often some unexpressed grief. I am seeing that a lot of my anger at what my husband is or isn't doing isn't really about him at all. I have a lot of grieving to do and as I am able to do it I actually am beginning to feel the anger lessen. The load gets just a little lighter.
Grateful for patient husbands!
Grateful for patient husbands!
Adore
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 50
Wow. those posts are soo calming and nice to read. I have a TON of anger it seems. Like GM said, for me, it really is my two-year old child, spoiled inside, wanting the world to be a certain way. It is hard to let go of the wilfulness and desire to have things the way i want. When I do let go, underneath is a lot of hurt and then something else i'm not sure of but I want to say fear and shame that I am not getting what I want because I am not really worthwhile. These thoughts are scary and hard to reconcile. I am fearful of feeling and experiencing them. It sounds strange. To be fearful of one's own self.
Anyway, I hope this makes somewhat sense.
One more thing is...I have been using a lot of different outlets for my anger. ACOA has anger release meetings that are worthwhile. I like drawing paintings where I get to live my fantasies of being in control, like I draw a childhood memory. Usually, it's a picture of me raging at my father or mother for something they were doing that upset me, only in the drawing, it's me expressing myself to them. It is primitive but empowering.
Thank you to all..
Anyway, I hope this makes somewhat sense.
One more thing is...I have been using a lot of different outlets for my anger. ACOA has anger release meetings that are worthwhile. I like drawing paintings where I get to live my fantasies of being in control, like I draw a childhood memory. Usually, it's a picture of me raging at my father or mother for something they were doing that upset me, only in the drawing, it's me expressing myself to them. It is primitive but empowering.
Thank you to all..
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: El Cerrito
Posts: 38
I don't have physical addictions, but my emotional ones are so STRONG. I mean herculean strong. I am acoa and codie. I have flirted with physical addictions in the past. When I quit smoking I didn't hardly have any withdrawals. But when I actively began recovery for acoa/codie behaviors I went on a roller coaster of emotions. In the 30-60 day period I felt like I could peel wallpaper with my fingernails. I was raging against acting-out, control and lack thereof. For me I just had to ride out the moody period. Kinda like detox. This site really helped me. It passed, I feel so much calmer and stronger now.
Getting out of my own way!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Looking for a place to turn around
Posts: 257
I was at therapy last night and brought this issue up...What she said was...when you have that anger and there is not apparent trigger...just stop and think...what didn't I say that I need to say to someone?.....What a profound thought.....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
At 38 days your still going through withdraws.
I remember going off at my mother during those early days.
that's over 10 years ago.
As you progress in your recovery, there's issues that will
arrive. Put the horse in front of the buggy and focus
on stay clean and sober first.
Easy dose it , and one issue at a time
and one day at a time.
My father is an alki. Just this last years all the unrevolved
anger that was built up inside of me was release.
My father basicailly was treating like sheit as if i was a
5 years old child, I'm 40.
i basicailly went off and let him have it.
i was no longer going to let him abuse me anymore.
For the first time in my life I stood up to the man.
it got pretty hairy.lol
i felt a little bit guilty after , but I also felt like I got well.
From that moment on i also refuse to let anyone else abuse me.
my co-dependency behaviors also subsided.
It's some of the root cuase of my problems.
There's also many things I do to deal my anger.
i play music to release the energy.
I still love my father very much.
I aviod him as much as posisble when he's drunk.
At least we can say hello without wanting to kill one another when
I visit.
I visit my mother once or twice a week just to let her know i love her.
Plus there's a different atmostphere when i'm around.
My mother is dealing with my father as best as she can.
My mother adandond me when i was a child.
i worked through those issues in my first couple of years in recovery.
I remember going off at my mother during those early days.
that's over 10 years ago.
As you progress in your recovery, there's issues that will
arrive. Put the horse in front of the buggy and focus
on stay clean and sober first.
Easy dose it , and one issue at a time
and one day at a time.
My father is an alki. Just this last years all the unrevolved
anger that was built up inside of me was release.
My father basicailly was treating like sheit as if i was a
5 years old child, I'm 40.
i basicailly went off and let him have it.
i was no longer going to let him abuse me anymore.
For the first time in my life I stood up to the man.
it got pretty hairy.lol
i felt a little bit guilty after , but I also felt like I got well.
From that moment on i also refuse to let anyone else abuse me.
my co-dependency behaviors also subsided.
It's some of the root cuase of my problems.
There's also many things I do to deal my anger.
i play music to release the energy.
I still love my father very much.
I aviod him as much as posisble when he's drunk.
At least we can say hello without wanting to kill one another when
I visit.
I visit my mother once or twice a week just to let her know i love her.
Plus there's a different atmostphere when i'm around.
My mother is dealing with my father as best as she can.
My mother adandond me when i was a child.
i worked through those issues in my first couple of years in recovery.
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