Telling a friend???
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 126
Telling a friend???
Telling friends
Having recently started recovery, and having been depressed for so long, I have been ignoring some of (most of!) my friends. Here’s my problem: I want to tell this one friend in particular, who I feel I can trust—I want to give her an explanation, because I don’t want her to think I have forgotten about her. I am trying to keep in mind my “boundaries”—am I telling her because I want her to like me still? Or am I telling her because I value her? Am I telling her out of guilt? Do I owe her an explanation? The real me doesn’t feel right not telling her anything, because I care about her and our friendship. The real me doesn’t feel right about just ignoring her. I know I have to be careful about over-explaining and telling her about how I was abused—am I telling her this for pity? Or am I telling her so she can understand the depth of this? I feel the need to tell her I have been lying about not being able to spend time with her, and that I have a personal problem going on….and to explain briefly what it is. I also trust her to understand….I am hesitant because I am not 100% sure she wont tell anyone else…but I am 98% sure. I am also hesitant because I feel like I need to over-explain and validate the abuse I endured—for her to believe this is real….this is not me making something up. (Partially because I have lied to her about my depression and feelings before). Am I feeling guilt? I don’t know what to do…I almost sent the letter just now…but felt I should ask for some insight first.
Thanks in advance!
Having recently started recovery, and having been depressed for so long, I have been ignoring some of (most of!) my friends. Here’s my problem: I want to tell this one friend in particular, who I feel I can trust—I want to give her an explanation, because I don’t want her to think I have forgotten about her. I am trying to keep in mind my “boundaries”—am I telling her because I want her to like me still? Or am I telling her because I value her? Am I telling her out of guilt? Do I owe her an explanation? The real me doesn’t feel right not telling her anything, because I care about her and our friendship. The real me doesn’t feel right about just ignoring her. I know I have to be careful about over-explaining and telling her about how I was abused—am I telling her this for pity? Or am I telling her so she can understand the depth of this? I feel the need to tell her I have been lying about not being able to spend time with her, and that I have a personal problem going on….and to explain briefly what it is. I also trust her to understand….I am hesitant because I am not 100% sure she wont tell anyone else…but I am 98% sure. I am also hesitant because I feel like I need to over-explain and validate the abuse I endured—for her to believe this is real….this is not me making something up. (Partially because I have lied to her about my depression and feelings before). Am I feeling guilt? I don’t know what to do…I almost sent the letter just now…but felt I should ask for some insight first.
Thanks in advance!
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Or are you telling her because you see her as an extension of yourself and you would want to be told if you were her?
That's an example of an undefined boundary - when you see other people as extensions of yourself and assume that they would want what you want.
If your friend is interested in what's going on, she will ask. At that point you can tell her as little or as much as you need/want to.
She may never ask. If she doesn't, she may not have noticed anything going on. Remember, for you this is BIG, but it's all happening internally. Those who aren't inside your head may not even be aware that anything's been going on at all.
That's an example of an undefined boundary - when you see other people as extensions of yourself and assume that they would want what you want.
If your friend is interested in what's going on, she will ask. At that point you can tell her as little or as much as you need/want to.
She may never ask. If she doesn't, she may not have noticed anything going on. Remember, for you this is BIG, but it's all happening internally. Those who aren't inside your head may not even be aware that anything's been going on at all.
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