Blogs


Notices

Help Please??

Old 02-15-2007, 09:37 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 126
Unhappy Help Please??

Hello Friends!
Okay, I know I have posted SO much on here, and I really feel like sharing here is like my support system. (Thank you again!) For anyone who has read my posts, you’ll know I have experienced this UNBELIEVABLE “high” –and I still experience these feelings. But today was something different. There is a little sadness back in me—and it’s not the joyful kind of sad—I described before… I just feel sad, and maybe a little discouraged. I definitely feel frustrated…and I can’t figure out why??? And that’s making me more frustrated.
I am SO SO SO afraid to ever be who I was before my awakening. I WILL NOT allow myself to go back to those feelings. I WILL NOT forget all I have learned—I cannot. I guess I’m not even actually that worried about reverting back to my old ways—because I would die—I was so numb, and empty, and felt so horrible…I could never allow that to happen again--especially, now that I’ve seen ‘the light’.
I guess I’m just wondering if this is normal, to start feeling frustrated, and sad, etc…???
Layla2222 is offline  
Old 02-15-2007, 10:19 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 62
Before I started my recovery I was also numb, I was very depressed, I cut myself, and contemplated/attempted sucide. I wanted to espace an "unescapable" darkness. I thought I was clinically depressed and self medicated with st.johns wart(worked for me) but also with alcohol & illegal substances. I hit an all time low after I lost a much loved job & went on to steal prescription painkillers from a family member who underwent major abdominal surgery. I didn't want to be that person anymore....in 2 years I went from someone who hadn't as much as smoked pot to someone who put a much loved family members health in danger so I could numb my self for a while. I was swirving out of controol and had negative emotions and behaviors that I couldn't understand. I would take 2 or 3 showers a day because the running water drowned out my cries. I held it all in. Bad things happened to me so I WAS bad...I was abused so I deserved to be abused....and would often abuse myself physically(cutting) or mentally(you'r so stupid exc). Once I got my hands on "adult child" books something clicked. I understood why I did what I did and suddenly there was HOPE. I wasn't mentally ill....I was grieving. After 18-20 years of repressed anger and sadness and repressed emotions & loss it was like boiling water....it just boiled over the top and had no where else to go.

Something changed once I knew what I was dealing with. I was/am still sad. I cry myself to sleep almost daily but now I look at every tear as a stepping stone. With grief you just have to walk through it...one step/tear at a time...each getting you a bit closer to a better place. With acoa's we are forced to surpress our emotions so when we finially face them they come out full force. What I feel now is every tear for every scraped knee, every fear, every loss, every dissapiontment, every emotion that I could never let myself feel from infancy. Now my sadness has a goal....to work through the natural process of grieving.....the process which was interupted because of abuse. I'ts going to be a long hard road....I have 21 years of making up to do....but it will all be worth it in the end.

Last edited by Mlynn; 02-15-2007 at 10:37 PM.
Mlynn is offline  
Old 02-15-2007, 10:44 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 126
Wow! Thank you for this...this sense of "normallcy" inside me. I feel we may have a lot in common--literally you have described my feelings WORD FOR WORD. I am just 25, and I keep saying, I have about 25 years of expressing my emotions to make up for....25 years of pain to feel/grieve......25 years of life that was robbed of ME--the ME i never knew b/c of my father. NOW I finally get to know me! Im so happy for this!! yet, so sad for the little girl inside me, and the life I feel I was robbed of.
You give me hope and I thank you!
I am just VERY recently in recovery, and I did find myself some meetings--but the first one isnt until next monday. I am so grateful for the people on here, but I found myself wishing today that all of you lived near by! haha....I just want to be able to sit and talk with someone who knows EXCATLY how I feel, ya know? Hopefully i will be able to find this in the ACC groups I attend....
Many thanks & much love & support to you!
Stephanie
Layla2222 is offline  
Old 02-15-2007, 11:04 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 62
Stephanie...I used to work in East Lansing for a non-profit org. It really isin't that far. Are you fimiliar with rose lake? It's a "campground" which is actually just a forest with a dirt trail that leads to a few scattered fire pits in near complete wilderness. "Drum circles" and informal music get togethers happen during the summer & big bonfires. We'll have to get together & go camping sometime if you enjoy camping. I always feel so peaceful in the woods. There's nothing better then waking up to rays of sunshine through a forest canapy & singing birds.
Mlynn is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:41 PM.