Help Please??
 

Hello Friends!
Okay, I know I have posted SO much on here, and I really feel like sharing here is like my support system. (Thank you again!) For anyone who has read my posts, you’ll know I have experienced this UNBELIEVABLE “high” –and I still experience these feelings. But today was something different. There is a little sadness back in me—and it’s not the joyful kind of sad—I described before… I just feel sad, and maybe a little discouraged. I definitely feel frustrated…and I can’t figure out why??? And that’s making me more frustrated.
I am SO SO SO afraid to ever be who I was before my awakening. I WILL NOT allow myself to go back to those feelings. I WILL NOT forget all I have learned—I cannot. I guess I’m not even actually that worried about reverting back to my old ways—because I would die—I was so numb, and empty, and felt so horrible…I could never allow that to happen again--especially, now that I’ve seen ‘the light’.
I guess I’m just wondering if this is normal, to start feeling frustrated, and sad, etc…???

Before I started my recovery I was also numb, I was very depressed, I cut myself, and contemplated/attempted sucide. I wanted to espace an "unescapable" darkness. I thought I was clinically depressed and self medicated with st.johns wart(worked for me) but also with alcohol & illegal substances. I hit an all time low after I lost a much loved job & went on to steal prescription painkillers from a family member who underwent major abdominal surgery. I didn't want to be that person anymore....in 2 years I went from someone who hadn't as much as smoked pot to someone who put a much loved family members health in danger so I could numb my self for a while. I was swirving out of controol and had negative emotions and behaviors that I couldn't understand. I would take 2 or 3 showers a day because the running water drowned out my cries. I held it all in. Bad things happened to me so I WAS bad...I was abused so I deserved to be abused....and would often abuse myself physically(cutting) or mentally(you'r so stupid exc). Once I got my hands on "adult child" books something clicked. I understood why I did what I did and suddenly there was HOPE. I wasn't mentally ill....I was grieving. After 18-20 years of repressed anger and sadness and repressed emotions & loss it was like boiling water....it just boiled over the top and had no where else to go.

Something changed once I knew what I was dealing with. I was/am still sad. I cry myself to sleep almost daily but now I look at every tear as a stepping stone. With grief you just have to walk through it...one step/tear at a time...each getting you a bit closer to a better place. With acoa's we are forced to surpress our emotions so when we finially face them they come out full force. What I feel now is every tear for every scraped knee, every fear, every loss, every dissapiontment, every emotion that I could never let myself feel from infancy. Now my sadness has a goal....to work through the natural process of grieving.....the process which was interupted because of abuse. I'ts going to be a long hard road....I have 21 years of making up to do....but it will all be worth it in the end.

Wow! Thank you for this...this sense of "normallcy" inside me. I feel we may have a lot in common--literally you have described my feelings WORD FOR WORD. I am just 25, and I keep saying, I have about 25 years of expressing my emotions to make up for....25 years of pain to feel/grieve......25 years of life that was robbed of ME--the ME i never knew b/c of my father. NOW I finally get to know me! Im so happy for this!! yet, so sad for the little girl inside me, and the life I feel I was robbed of.
You give me hope and I thank you!
I am just VERY recently in recovery, and I did find myself some meetings--but the first one isnt until next monday. I am so grateful for the people on here, but I found myself wishing today that all of you lived near by! haha....I just want to be able to sit and talk with someone who knows EXCATLY how I feel, ya know? Hopefully i will be able to find this in the ACC groups I attend....
Many thanks & much love & support to you!
Stephanie

Stephanie...I used to work in East Lansing for a non-profit org. It really isin't that far. Are you fimiliar with rose lake? It's a "campground" which is actually just a forest with a dirt trail that leads to a few scattered fire pits in near complete wilderness. "Drum circles" and informal music get togethers happen during the summer & big bonfires. We'll have to get together & go camping sometime if you enjoy camping. I always feel so peaceful in the woods. There's nothing better then waking up to rays of sunshine through a forest canapy & singing birds.