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"Real Me" vs. "False Me"

Old 02-15-2007, 04:13 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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"Real Me" vs. "False Me"

Hello Friends,

I am just starting recovery, and although I am finding clarity in so much of my life, I am still struggling with many issues…

One of my major issues is that I have suppressed all that is ME ever since I can remember. I have no recollection, or knowledge of who I really am.

On my path to recovery, I am trying to be aware of my every thought, so that I cant stop unhealthy behaviors/ thoughts/actions. My problem is I am having trouble differentiating between “the real me” versus “the false me.” False me: meaning letting

my defense mechanisms, my fears, etc. take over my thoughts and actions. To make matters worse, I often make excuses for the "false me" behaviors, and I cannot tell if I am acting/thinking/speaking a certain way becuase it is the real me--and this is what the real me seeks to do...or if I am defending the "false me" and my defense mechanisms?

Example: I am a student-teacher, and I had to pass back old assignements to a class full of 30 students I didnt know. I had to call each name, they would raise thier hand, and I would bring them the paper. Well, having a HUGE stack of papers, I became increasngly anxious and embaressed when I couldnt remember who was who after calling thier name 10 times already. I felt the students looking at me like, "Are you stupid? You called my name like 20 times already, and you dont know who I am yet?". Well, before the bell rang and the next classroom of kids came in...I found myself frantically trying to alphabetize all 500 of thier papers by name--so I wouldnt have to call them each 10-20 times. I cant tell if my attempt to alphabatize the papers was a defense mechanism at work? Was I letting my fear of judgement, anxiety, and embaressment take over? OR my other thought was that I knew I had to leave the second class early--and I knew (or thought) that if I passed each assignement back individually--as I did in the first class-- I wouldnt have had time. Was I making excuses for a defense mechanism which shielded me from my percieved judgement coming from the students? Or was I really worried about time? Maybe both? Does it even matter? If I had not felt embarassed in the first class, would I have been in such a panic to organuze the papers for the second class?

I might be thinking about this all wrong??? Because the “false me” is all I have ever known…I have no knowledge base for healthy thinking. Am I over-worrying/ over-thinking this? In trying to identify & stop my unhealthy thoughts/actions/behaviors, how would I handle the situation above?

If any one has any insight they can add, I would be greatly appreciative—or even a similar story?


With much appreciation, love, & support!
Layla2222 is offline  
Old 02-15-2007, 04:37 AM
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Hi Layla,

If I haven't said it before welcome to our corner of recovery.

I've read a couple of your posts this morning and I think the thing that has helped me the most with the kinds of things you're talking about is to live my life in the present moment. I seem to be best able to find my real self in the right here, right now. If I'm caught up in what's going to happen or what happened in the past, I find myself reacting to those "realities" instead of experiencing today. Good Luck to you!!
Easeful is offline  

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