Cecilia

Hi. Im visiting from the Family of Alcoholics forum. I usually dont read this forum cause I didnt think I was the child of an alcoholic too. But one of your posts caught my eye when I clicked on new posts. And then I got curious and read a few more.

DANG!!!. I just realized Im the daughter of a serial enabler. Does that make me an honorary member here? My mother doesnt drink but quite a few of her six husbands did. Some were kinda hard core wet the bed Alkies. I dont consider any of these men my relatives. But when I think about it my mothers actions because of them did have a big impact on me. She had this thing about not being alone. She would put up with ANYTHING.

I always knew if if came to a choice between me and them it was them. No thats not totally true. My real father was an evil man. She divorced him when I was three. I dont remember much of him. But Ive been told he was a lot older than her and very controlling and extremely abusive to both of us. He would burn me with cigarettes and then switch me if I cried. Even now I always keep my feelings to myself.. Boy do I hate to have people see me cry.

A lot of times I was farmed out to other relatives. Never any with kids tho. Usually old people. I think thats where I learned to be Miss Perfect.

I was very tall and gangy. I was not one of those cute little things in the frilly dresses. So I made up for it by being super helpful and smart. Hey my MOM might not want me but everyone else did. LOL. To this day I get along wonderful with older people but I have trouble wth my peers.

I was an only child growing up around only adults so I didnt learn a lot about arguing and resolving coflicts.
Children dont argue with adults if they know whats good for them. ;-)


Its funny how you dont notice something and then all of a sudden you do. Makes a lot of stuff make more sense tho. Helps me to understand my mother.







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came2believe

Just wanted to say WELCOME!!! I have to get the little punkins off to school, so I can't respond in detail, but it is great to see you here! Plus, I adore your signature line.

There is a book called FROM SURVIVAL TO RECOVERY that I got at an Al-Anon/ACA meeting. Reading those stories it is apparent to me that situations like yours certainly qualify you for ACA.

I am just learning too, I'm in the sponge stage, soaking everything up. But wanted to wave Hello!

GingerM

I just wanted to add that even though none of your mother's husbands were your biological father, they still created a toxic environment for you. ACoA's are also children of toxic families, so much of what is here can apply to any form of toxicity, even serial enabling. The end result on us adults is the same whether it's alcohol, mental instability, drugs, or parents who just needed a good dose of counselling.

Welcome to our section of the forum.

justicej

ACoA's don't fit one definition. We come from families that in one generation or another became defined by traumatic, dysfunctional and/or addictive experiences. We learned behavior very young (sometimes from the cradle) that trapped us in feeling insecure or unsafe in our skin, so we tended to either become codependent and/or addicted ourselves. These learned behaviors often led us down a road toward depressive and/or manic episodes. Destruction or Perfection. We forgot to listen to our inner child and it's connection with our higher power. We forgot that we have always been lovable and perfect, and regularly tried to earn love, deserve respect, control relationships & avoid rejection to get what we needed. We didn't know anything else so we thought it was normal to feel this small.

If you feel like one you probably are one. You don't have to validate it, quantify it, or explain it. Sharing the feeling is enough. Here those feelings are important.

I started to explore 12 step programs when I quit smoking. The first group I started to identify with was CODA. However I still felt a little left out until I read the characteristics of ACoA's. Memories started flooding my mind. It's a good thing I had just found a therapist, cause I needed to give one alot of work at that time. Because there aren't very many ACoA meetings and I wanted to progress my recovery, I read alot. I never have found a sponsor, but I use my therapist, this site and these books:
An Adult Child's Guide To What's "Normal" by Friel & Friel
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
A Gentle Path through the Twelve Steps by Patrick Carnes and I listen to CD's by Robert Burney "Dance of the Wounded Souls"

I hope this helps. I spent a lifetime forgiving my parents, before I learned to grieve for the suffering child inside of me.

Welcome and thank you for sharing.

p.s - I especially like "I am the Queen. Why? Because my pantyhose say so."

Mlynn

It seems to me that even if these men were never your "father" you still had to live with the result of thier alcoholic and abusive behavior. Thats all it takes to be an ACOA. Your mothers chronic attraction to Alcoholics has turned your home into a home of alcoholism and forced you to experience many of the same negative patterns & emotions that result from negative childhood experiences or trauma's. So you will always be welcomed here and have open arms and ears when you choose to share you experiences.

Cecilia

Thanks muchly for the welcomes. I been reading and seeing me a lot. Some things I do need to work on. Others Ive decided to keep. I been this way for 57 years. Im not changin now. People can just learn to deal with it. LOL. I is what I is

And Im glad you appreciate my being the Queen LOL.