BlueMoon

I am coming to the realization that while it was my father who drank + was abusive, it may have been my enabling mother who has done the most harm ...

jacksdaughter

Why do you feel this way? I always tought the same thing and would like to see how this affect you too. You're right even though he drank, the lies from my Mom and her always deflecting the blame to us was almost worse.

BlueMoon

they divorced 20 yrs ago (when i was 28) and i've had no contact with him since ... her + i were quite close until events of this past year (LONG story) has made me realize the extent of her justifying and rationalizing even to this day ... she placed him on a pedestal all those years ago and he's remained there ever since, no room for reality at all ... now she has put my addict brother up on the pedestal as well ...

jacksdaughter

That is very similar. My mom had my AF on a pedestal my whole life it has been sickening. However events around the holidays finally forced me to take a stand and I wrote them a letter outlining my feelings. Her first response was "I nearly killed them", of course nothing to do with what they have done all these years. But regardless this letter has caused my dad to start attending AA which I think is helping her to heal and things have been better. Don't get me wrong, I don't totally trust the situation and I am still taking steps to protect myself.

I'm sorry this happened to you too, it is ugly. I try to go about my own life, enjoy my children and husband and try very hard not to let them upset me. Sometimes it's hard, but most of the time I think I am doing good with it.

Let me know how you do.

BlueMoon

I was told that I destroyed the entire family after I turned in an addict brother for child pornography ... not only that, but I will be responsible for at least 3 deaths as AB won't be able to face actually going to prison, he'll kill himself, mother will then kill herself and the other brother will just sorta join in ...

I had no idea that I was SO powerful! (lmao!)

and of course, it's MY fault that AB IS going to prison ... none of the blame on the one who actually committed the crimes ...

elizabeth1979

Ive said before that my mothers enabling caused me more harm than my fathers drinking.
I dont really have any wise words..just really can relate. This is why it irks me beyond belief when an enabling nonalcoholic thinks they arent causing their children any harm.

I have since decided, it was the chemistry of moms enabling and dads drinking..a combined culprit. They were both 100% responsible for their actions.

Mlynn

I can wholly relate to how your feeling. My relationship with my mother is the most confusing I have ever experienced. One minute I pitty her, one minute I think she is a victom, one minute I feel a comradory with her, One minuite I feel we are close & that she deserves forgivness because she did the best she could. The next minute I feel resentment, betrayal, anger, rage, and hatred twards her and believe she is toxic. I get so upset when I reflect on how my suffering was preventable. She had a duty to protect her children from harm but she didn't. I feel alot of guilt about my mixed emotions wards her & it gets to the point where I don't always know how to feel. My fathers N and Alcoholism was only the tip of it - my brother was also violent and I was exposed to physical assults at his whim - ATLEAST 2 of such occasions landed me in the ER - once for a fractured wrist - and another from a head injury that resulted from my face being smashed into stone. He was never punished and nothing was done by either parent to protect me. I have pure hatred for my father but great love, pitty, and resentment for my mother. The fact that she is my mother makes her actions or lack of action so much more emotional and painful. I also feel like her not preventing me from being abused is so much more unforgivable then the actual abuse/abuser itself/themselves. I feel more betrayed by her because I have been conditioned to have a strong co-dependant love for her. Its easier to be hurt by someone you despise then by someone who you "love" and who professes to love you or who tells you that they committed a hurtful act for your own good.

Dolorosa

Hello everyone. Thank you so much for sharing these heart-wrenching thoughts. I left my alcoholic/drug addicted husband in October. Our daughter is 10 and our son is 3. Ex-AH is only allowed supervised visits at an access centre.

Sometimes I feel so guilty, as he was arrested and given a restraining order. It's very helpful to read your point of view, because it reminds me that I did the right thing. Starting over is hard, but well worth it.

(((Hugs))) to you all.

BlueMoon

I think THAT is the bottom line for me. She didn't protect her children. She chose instead to protect her alcoholic husband and turn a blind eye to him abusing us. They've been divorced for 20 yrs now and to this day, she will STILL insist on how much "He loved his children and would never hurt us" ... She can only acknowledge our suffering at his hands if she can add "But he LOVED you ..."
She chose HIM over her children - over ME -

Her and I were very close for the last 20 yrs and I thought I admired her courage and strength. Then, either she changed or she finally began sharing how she REALLY feels and I just lost all respect for her.

A year ago, I turned my brother in for child pornography. He is going to prison. Yet, *I* am the one who is wrong, the person who committed the crimes is somehow blameless. It's really brought home all the BS with my father. Again, she chose a drunk/stoned child molester over me and I am left feeling that I am not good enough, not deserving of her love.

EXACTLY!

Cecilia

Im sorry you had such a hurtful childhood. I hope you find a way to heal and let it go. Youre giving these people way too much power over you than what they deserve. I say get even. Your best revenge would be to have a happy life. Let them keep their crappy lives. <smilie>

My father was an evil man too but I was too young so I dont remember much. And I was never close to any of my mothers six husbands or any of her BF's. So to me its like if one of your old neighbors was mean it would tick you off but you wouldnt obsess over it.

What bothered me was always coming in second to some stranger. And always being shipped off to some relative. Six months here six months there. When I got older it got worse. If I complained she would say I was making things up because I didnt like them. Well duh. They were trying to put the moves on me. Of course I didnt like them. LOL.

Now that I am older I have questioned my mother on why she did some of the things she did. She always says she did the best she could or has some excuse yada yada yada. I dont understand. It never happened that way. She was a victim blah blah blah. In other words she either wont or cant own up to any of it. But you know what even if she did it woudnt make any difference cause it wouldnt change the past in the least.

To tell you the truth I have always felt sorry for my mother. Not only is her glass half full but somebody spit in it so she couldnt drink the rest. To hear her tell it nothing good has ever happened to her in her whole life. Shes 78 and still complains about normal sybling stuff her brother did to her when they were children. She remembers ever slight that ever happened to her.

She calls me Pollyanna. Thats cause I decided a long time ago I did NOT want to be like her. I may have a lot of faults but being gloomy is not one of them. Sometimes I get in trouble cause I see humour when I shouldnt. LOL.

alcohol_sucks

Thank you all for your insight. I have an ex a/a/h that I think is still drinking and using. He wants to see the kids, 12 and 9, and I don't think this is the right thing until I know he is truly recovering. It's a hard decision. I don't stop the phone calls, but I try to moniter them (make sure he isn't drunk/high to the best of my ability). I feel guilty that he cannot be in their life at this point, even though I am not the one that created this problem, unless you talk to him.

I am sure this situation, too, will affect the kids; but not as much as being constantly blown off or possible physically hurt by a dad with a constant hangover.