New here - not sure where to start
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: South Africa
Posts: 9
New here - not sure where to start
I'm so glad I finally found a place where I can talk to people who can relate in some way to what I'm going through.
This area doesn't provide enough space for me to tell you my entire life, so I'm just going to type until I can't anymore. Please bear with me, today is a bad day for me!!
My immediate problem is this:
My mother has been an alcoholic for about 13 years now. (I am 25).
I couldn't wait to finish school to leave the house, and that is exactly what I did.
To make a very long story short... my partner and I are now in a situation where my mom is living with us for about a month.
It has been about 2 days and already I feel like I'm going insane.
She has been so drunk and I can't stand it.
We have two large dogs and I'm so scared that she is too drunk to handle them and won't be able to keep them from running out the gate. This is but one of the problems.
This morning she called me, because she couldn't find her car keys, not knowing that she used them last night.
She doesn't care about anything. She wants to invite 3 young children over to play, but she doesn't seem to understand that our dogs don't like children and they might get hurt.
I don't know what to do... this is causing issues between my partner and me.
I tried to talk to my mother yesterday, but she got defensive and angry (pure trait of an alcoholic).
The reason why we are living together:
My partner and I have been looking for a bigger place to move to.
My mom is an estate agent. In her package she gets a free townhouse. The townhouse that she was supposed to move to was supposed to be vacant from the 1st of February, but the guy refused to move out. Then a place went open for her to temporarily move to. This place was the perfect place that my partner and I had been looking for.
So we decided that when she moves to her original place, we will move in there. I called my current owner to give notice to move, but then he said that he wants to sell and we should move immediately.
So, now we are all bundled together and not really in a sense that she is living with us, because we don’t pay rent yet.
Do you see the dilemma? Also, because she is the agent for the unit, it makes it very difficult.
I wish I could just explain how it feels to see her that way. It feels like she is a 49 year old teenager. She is not very hygienic, I must say I haven’t actually seen her take a shower or bath since we’re moved. The kitchen is dirty with spilt alcohol on the counters when we get home. The house is already starting to reek, cause of all the things that she is addicted to, it has be cheap wine.
I just need help, I need to cope and I need to feel safe in my environment.
This area doesn't provide enough space for me to tell you my entire life, so I'm just going to type until I can't anymore. Please bear with me, today is a bad day for me!!
My immediate problem is this:
My mother has been an alcoholic for about 13 years now. (I am 25).
I couldn't wait to finish school to leave the house, and that is exactly what I did.
To make a very long story short... my partner and I are now in a situation where my mom is living with us for about a month.
It has been about 2 days and already I feel like I'm going insane.
She has been so drunk and I can't stand it.
We have two large dogs and I'm so scared that she is too drunk to handle them and won't be able to keep them from running out the gate. This is but one of the problems.
This morning she called me, because she couldn't find her car keys, not knowing that she used them last night.
She doesn't care about anything. She wants to invite 3 young children over to play, but she doesn't seem to understand that our dogs don't like children and they might get hurt.
I don't know what to do... this is causing issues between my partner and me.
I tried to talk to my mother yesterday, but she got defensive and angry (pure trait of an alcoholic).
The reason why we are living together:
My partner and I have been looking for a bigger place to move to.
My mom is an estate agent. In her package she gets a free townhouse. The townhouse that she was supposed to move to was supposed to be vacant from the 1st of February, but the guy refused to move out. Then a place went open for her to temporarily move to. This place was the perfect place that my partner and I had been looking for.
So we decided that when she moves to her original place, we will move in there. I called my current owner to give notice to move, but then he said that he wants to sell and we should move immediately.
So, now we are all bundled together and not really in a sense that she is living with us, because we don’t pay rent yet.
Do you see the dilemma? Also, because she is the agent for the unit, it makes it very difficult.
I wish I could just explain how it feels to see her that way. It feels like she is a 49 year old teenager. She is not very hygienic, I must say I haven’t actually seen her take a shower or bath since we’re moved. The kitchen is dirty with spilt alcohol on the counters when we get home. The house is already starting to reek, cause of all the things that she is addicted to, it has be cheap wine.
I just need help, I need to cope and I need to feel safe in my environment.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR.... Im sorry you are struggling with this.
This is for one month right? How much longer do you have before you can move out? Im guessing that because of the dogs you could not use a hotel or something like that?
My Mother was also an Alcoholic and I moved out at an early age as well... Im not sure if I could have lived with her again either. Maybe you and your partner can try not to be there as much as possible? Take the dogs to the park in the evenings?
Please read the stickies at the top and make yourself at home. I look forward to getting to know you.
This is for one month right? How much longer do you have before you can move out? Im guessing that because of the dogs you could not use a hotel or something like that?
My Mother was also an Alcoholic and I moved out at an early age as well... Im not sure if I could have lived with her again either. Maybe you and your partner can try not to be there as much as possible? Take the dogs to the park in the evenings?
Please read the stickies at the top and make yourself at home. I look forward to getting to know you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: South Africa
Posts: 9
Hi Cynay
Thank for the encouring post.
Unfortunately, she is the one who has to move, because this is our intended place. She is now waiting for her place to become available. What a mess.
We try to keep away as much as possible at the moment, but we can't. Everything in the house is ours.
We even had to lock our bedroom, because we drink (extremely casually) once in a blue moon so we had to hide the little bit of alcohol we do have in the house at the moment.
It is not fun living like this.
Thank for the encouring post.
Unfortunately, she is the one who has to move, because this is our intended place. She is now waiting for her place to become available. What a mess.
We try to keep away as much as possible at the moment, but we can't. Everything in the house is ours.
We even had to lock our bedroom, because we drink (extremely casually) once in a blue moon so we had to hide the little bit of alcohol we do have in the house at the moment.
It is not fun living like this.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Mountain West
Posts: 96
Hi Trinity...welcome to the board :0) I too am relatively new here, and I can relate to how you're feeling first hand. This is a great community full of great people with so much wonderful advice. I am so sorry you are stuck living with your mom. I know how humiliating her actions can be, especially if you don't feel you can escape from them. I hope your partner is supportive and undertstanding through all of this. Have you thought about how to deal with your relationship with her when she DOES move out?? It doesn't sound like there is a whole lot you can do right now, besides distancing yourself, so maybe your next step could be trying to figure out what to do for YOU when the time comes?.....
Again, welcome, we are glad you're here :0)
Again, welcome, we are glad you're here :0)
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Welcome to the board.
You say she's only been with you two days and already you're about to lose your sanity? What amount of money is your sanity worth?
If at all possible, I would either find another place for your mom to stay, or move out until she's moved out. One or the other. Your sanity is worth so much more than a month of no rent or whatever you may be getting out of this.
Which raises a good question: since this isn't her place (it's yours, if I'm reading your post correctly), what ARE you getting out of this? And do you really want to be involved in a business relationship with your mother for an unknown period of time? I can say with absolute certainty that I would rather drink my own urine than be involved in a business relationship with some similar to how you describe your mother.
If you're not getting something pretty big in return for her staying there, then ask her to find other accomodations. I can't imagine what you could possibly be getting out of the current situation that would make living like that worth it.
You say she's only been with you two days and already you're about to lose your sanity? What amount of money is your sanity worth?
If at all possible, I would either find another place for your mom to stay, or move out until she's moved out. One or the other. Your sanity is worth so much more than a month of no rent or whatever you may be getting out of this.
Which raises a good question: since this isn't her place (it's yours, if I'm reading your post correctly), what ARE you getting out of this? And do you really want to be involved in a business relationship with your mother for an unknown period of time? I can say with absolute certainty that I would rather drink my own urine than be involved in a business relationship with some similar to how you describe your mother.
If you're not getting something pretty big in return for her staying there, then ask her to find other accomodations. I can't imagine what you could possibly be getting out of the current situation that would make living like that worth it.
Meg
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 22
Hopefully I can be of some help. I am 23 and currently my mom and I share a house. We both moved to CO and it just wasn't possible for us to get seperate places. She has been an alcoholic for about 6 years.
When she drinks now she is limited on the space she can use in the house. She pretty much knows to stay in her bedroom and not talk to me. This way I have access to the rest of the house and don't have to "deal" with the situation at that moment. We came to this understanding after I realized I can't change her and her realizing how much it upsets me. We talked, when she was sober, and discussed what I would like her to do when she is drinking. It was a very rational and calm conversation and so far has been abided by. I am not sure if your mother is rational enough to have a similar conversation but it may be worth a shot for your sanity at least.
It isn't ideal but it at least limits my face time with her when she is drinking and helps me to lead a somewhat normal life on evenings like this.
When she drinks now she is limited on the space she can use in the house. She pretty much knows to stay in her bedroom and not talk to me. This way I have access to the rest of the house and don't have to "deal" with the situation at that moment. We came to this understanding after I realized I can't change her and her realizing how much it upsets me. We talked, when she was sober, and discussed what I would like her to do when she is drinking. It was a very rational and calm conversation and so far has been abided by. I am not sure if your mother is rational enough to have a similar conversation but it may be worth a shot for your sanity at least.
It isn't ideal but it at least limits my face time with her when she is drinking and helps me to lead a somewhat normal life on evenings like this.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this trinity,
I wish I could think of some way to help you find peace and safety in your situation, but unless you can either get your mom out, get YOU out temporarily, or tell your mom that she's got to knock off the drinking, you are putting yourself and your peace of mind in danger.
If your dogs bite someone, that could cost you thousands.
If she leaves the gate open, and your dogs get out, well, you know what may happen there.
If she sets the place on fire, are you responsible for it? What if you're in it, sleeping?
Sorry to sound so negative, but as a person who comes from an alcoholic/addict family and who has seen some truly horrific and appalling stuff happen, I have to wonder, is this risk really worth it to you? You're risking so much more than just simple peace of mind. It appears you and your mom are not truly confronting the problem and you're not yet setting boundaries, and it doesn't surprise me at all that it's making waves between you and your partner. What is he/she suggesting you do? Is it do-able...is he/she right?
I am hoping that the solution to this situation reveals itself to you, and that you find the peace and safety you deserve.
Love,
GL
I wish I could think of some way to help you find peace and safety in your situation, but unless you can either get your mom out, get YOU out temporarily, or tell your mom that she's got to knock off the drinking, you are putting yourself and your peace of mind in danger.
If your dogs bite someone, that could cost you thousands.
If she leaves the gate open, and your dogs get out, well, you know what may happen there.
If she sets the place on fire, are you responsible for it? What if you're in it, sleeping?
Sorry to sound so negative, but as a person who comes from an alcoholic/addict family and who has seen some truly horrific and appalling stuff happen, I have to wonder, is this risk really worth it to you? You're risking so much more than just simple peace of mind. It appears you and your mom are not truly confronting the problem and you're not yet setting boundaries, and it doesn't surprise me at all that it's making waves between you and your partner. What is he/she suggesting you do? Is it do-able...is he/she right?
I am hoping that the solution to this situation reveals itself to you, and that you find the peace and safety you deserve.
Love,
GL
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