don't know where to even begin...

Old 01-28-2007, 10:35 AM
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Red face don't know where to even begin...

My mother is addicted to pain medication. Once she takes what she is prescribed, she either will take my dad's or buy it elsewhere.

She is in her 50's. I'm terrified that one day she will OD. We have never discussed her problem, except to ask her why she is slurring her words when she does happen to call.

My blood father (sperm donor) died in his mid 30's of lung cancer. He was also an alcoholic. She harbors hatred for him because of the physical abuse and not being there for my brother and I.

However, now the tables have turned and she is the one who isn't there for my brother and I. My brother and I live in different states, so I guess since I'm geographically closer, I'm the one who has to confront this issue. But, it might also be the fact that my brother would either 1. never say a word and disown her or 2. totally lose in cool.

My mother can be very combative and has told my dad that he if he tells me or my brother about her problem, she would divorce him. Because I am very close to him and the only one he can talk to, I get to hear about some of the things she says and does.

I have an inherent response to automatically defend her. She is my mother and I love her so much. She provided and took care of my brother and I when the sperm donor couldn't, which was always. She has such a wonderful heart and if we needed her, truley needed her, she would be there for us in a heartbeat. I am closer to her than my brother is.

I'm 33 and tired of ignoring the elephant in the room. I am at the point to where I have to say something to her about her addiction. I don't even know where to begin. Please help me help her. She has SOO much to give and to offer her husband, children and grandchildren.

help
wandering in ga
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Old 01-28-2007, 11:27 AM
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Welcome to the board Wandering. I wish I could offer you some help, but am not able to provide any words of wisdom. I suggest copying your post here and reposting it in this forum: http://www.sober recovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/ (remove the space between "sober" and "recovery" to make the link work).

The folks in that forum have much more experience with issues similar to yours.
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Old 01-29-2007, 02:53 PM
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Hi Wandering,

I have had a bad experience with opening up to my family in the past, but I've always been labelled as "the little sh**," and so was not taken seriously.

It seems as though you really care about her, and that she has been a positive female role model in your life--other than the pill-popping.

Is there a time when you know she generally feels calm and relaxed?
Frame your concerns as a concern for her, not so much a plea for how you have been personally hurt or how others have been hurt. This may help her to be a little less defensive (though you should expect some defensiveness).

Also, pay her your sincere compliments (like what you've posted) before diving into your concerns. People take things much better after a compliment (especially a sincere, heartfelt one) than when confronted right away.

If she is a true addict, she will get defensive and get her dander up. You might want to try to practice for that possible scenario. How will you plan to remain calm should she become abrupt and abusive? Under what circumstances will you leave? How might she react? Can you come up with a calm, loving response to her possible responses?

She may really want help, but become resistant to it. Here's something just as an idea in my head, if you need some words to start with.

"Mom, I really appreciate all the sacrifice you made for Brother and me. I have always looked up to you so much. I love you, and so I hurt when you are hurting. It seems to me that you are hurting right now. Have you considered the possibility that the pills you are taking are affecting you in a bad way? What would you like to see happen? How would you like your life to be different?"


If she becomes combative, you could say something like, "Mom, I can't deal with you if you are not going to be calm. I'll talk to you about it later," and leave. Let her scream her epithets at you, if she wants. Don't let them get to you. If she screams at you or gets abusive, remind yourself that it is not the mother you know...it's her addiction.

I'm not a pychologist, but did graduate with a minor in psych. So give what I've said whatever value you want.

I would also strongly suggest you read the stickies and maybe some other similar issue posts, if you can find them, before confronting. Perhaps someone else out there can give you better advice and tips.

I was 33 when I "woke up" to the rubble of a life around me, too. God Bless you in this endeavor. And remember, there is only so much YOU can do. Her life and decisions, ultimately, are up to her.
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Old 01-30-2007, 06:13 PM
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Hey there wandering,

Don't have anything more to suggest. Just want to welcome you to our little corner of recovery and let you know that you're not alone anymore. We're all here for ya and we all know how you feel cuz we've been thru it too.

Mike
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