Struggling badly...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Ohhh sweetie....
I dont know that Im that great a mum and my daughter could probably tell you everything I have done wrong and how she will need theraphy. We can only do the best we can with what we have to work with at the time though.
My Mother was the first alcoholic in my life, she was abusive to me as well and I loved her with all my heart. It took alot of work to finally get to a relationship of love with her in my adult years... It took alot of communication and forgiveness and understanding.... but we had the best 15 years of our relationship at the end of her life. I miss her.
We are all just trying to do our best hon, we all make mistakes... sometimes huge and sometimes small.... but I can say that I have learned much more from my huge mistakes then the small ones and all that is what makes me who I am today. Today I still struggle, but I can say I love myself and everyday gets better and better....
I dont know that Im that great a mum and my daughter could probably tell you everything I have done wrong and how she will need theraphy. We can only do the best we can with what we have to work with at the time though.
My Mother was the first alcoholic in my life, she was abusive to me as well and I loved her with all my heart. It took alot of work to finally get to a relationship of love with her in my adult years... It took alot of communication and forgiveness and understanding.... but we had the best 15 years of our relationship at the end of her life. I miss her.
We are all just trying to do our best hon, we all make mistakes... sometimes huge and sometimes small.... but I can say that I have learned much more from my huge mistakes then the small ones and all that is what makes me who I am today. Today I still struggle, but I can say I love myself and everyday gets better and better....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: London, England
Posts: 12
hi cynay
thanks again for your words and support. i had a really good day yesterday and then a little bit of a meltdown today. lots of tears and a really heavy heart.
i have applied for a job in tokyo and have spoken to my sister about staying with her if i get back to australia. my friends have been really great but i think it must be quite wearing on them as this has been going on for quite some time (on and off).
i am trying to take it really slowly, i do keep feeling like i absolutely need to talk to him but i'm holding off. i have to go back there tomorrow as all my belongings are there, but he called me and was quite calm so i think it will be peaceful enough to organise my things. i keep wondering how i will have the strength to pack up my house, get to the airport and leave him and the country i've known for the last few years behind..i know i can do it, but it feels a bit scary. actually pretty terrifying.
i hope you are great.
lisa
thanks again for your words and support. i had a really good day yesterday and then a little bit of a meltdown today. lots of tears and a really heavy heart.
i have applied for a job in tokyo and have spoken to my sister about staying with her if i get back to australia. my friends have been really great but i think it must be quite wearing on them as this has been going on for quite some time (on and off).
i am trying to take it really slowly, i do keep feeling like i absolutely need to talk to him but i'm holding off. i have to go back there tomorrow as all my belongings are there, but he called me and was quite calm so i think it will be peaceful enough to organise my things. i keep wondering how i will have the strength to pack up my house, get to the airport and leave him and the country i've known for the last few years behind..i know i can do it, but it feels a bit scary. actually pretty terrifying.
i hope you are great.
lisa
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hey there Lisa, I'm glad you had a good day yesterday.
If you feel that you don't have the strength tomorrow just think of us here on SoberRecovery. All of us are thinking about you and praying for you. Just imagine that we are right there with you, because in spirit we are. You will get thru this hardship just like all the rest of us have. If need be you can just focus on getting by one hour at a time. There's been times when I had to focus on just one minute at a time.
Wherever you go, we will be here for you.
Mike
If you feel that you don't have the strength tomorrow just think of us here on SoberRecovery. All of us are thinking about you and praying for you. Just imagine that we are right there with you, because in spirit we are. You will get thru this hardship just like all the rest of us have. If need be you can just focus on getting by one hour at a time. There's been times when I had to focus on just one minute at a time.
Wherever you go, we will be here for you.
Mike
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: London, England
Posts: 12
Thanks Mike.
Well today hasn't turned out like I hoped. I was due to go back this morning and had my things organised to get back there.
I rang to let him know I was on my way, although he knew that I was due back sometime today. He had been on a bender last night and was full of spite and nastiness again this morning. He told me that I was not welcome at the house, that it was not my home (despite the fact that we've lived there together for 18 months) and that it was not his responsbility to put a roof over my head. He then started yelling at me about when was I going to make a decision about where I was going. I told him that he knew my situation and that I had very little money, my visa is such that I am not allowed to undertake employment and that a little over a month ago, he begged me to return to the UK as I was the love of his life and he wanted to spend forever with me. I told him I was trying all I could to try and make decision and to sort myself out. He replies to me that telling him those things was not at all "constructive". He made me promise to ring him by the end of the day and let him know what I was doing. I told him again that I'd do the best I can. I rang him a little later and said to him that I would only return to the flat when I had made plans of where I was to go and to pack my things. I said that I would do this while he was at work. He then replied to me, that he wished that we had thought about the things we said to each other before we said them and that he wished that instead of the situation coming to this that we had actually done something to make it better!!!!! I know this is manipulation and a pattern that he participates in with me, but s***, it hurts!
I spoke to my friend who said i can stay here a little longer and then I ended up ringing my mum (with my fingers crossed that she was sober). She was which was great. She was very, very upset to hear of what was going on and she is going to speak to my uncle about trying to get some money to me so I am a more able to fund my way out of here and remedy this situation.
I just want this pain to stop. The rejection, lonliness and fear is so all consuming. I am sorry to be so pessimistic on this site. I know i'll be okay in the end. thank you for listening.
Well today hasn't turned out like I hoped. I was due to go back this morning and had my things organised to get back there.
I rang to let him know I was on my way, although he knew that I was due back sometime today. He had been on a bender last night and was full of spite and nastiness again this morning. He told me that I was not welcome at the house, that it was not my home (despite the fact that we've lived there together for 18 months) and that it was not his responsbility to put a roof over my head. He then started yelling at me about when was I going to make a decision about where I was going. I told him that he knew my situation and that I had very little money, my visa is such that I am not allowed to undertake employment and that a little over a month ago, he begged me to return to the UK as I was the love of his life and he wanted to spend forever with me. I told him I was trying all I could to try and make decision and to sort myself out. He replies to me that telling him those things was not at all "constructive". He made me promise to ring him by the end of the day and let him know what I was doing. I told him again that I'd do the best I can. I rang him a little later and said to him that I would only return to the flat when I had made plans of where I was to go and to pack my things. I said that I would do this while he was at work. He then replied to me, that he wished that we had thought about the things we said to each other before we said them and that he wished that instead of the situation coming to this that we had actually done something to make it better!!!!! I know this is manipulation and a pattern that he participates in with me, but s***, it hurts!
I spoke to my friend who said i can stay here a little longer and then I ended up ringing my mum (with my fingers crossed that she was sober). She was which was great. She was very, very upset to hear of what was going on and she is going to speak to my uncle about trying to get some money to me so I am a more able to fund my way out of here and remedy this situation.
I just want this pain to stop. The rejection, lonliness and fear is so all consuming. I am sorry to be so pessimistic on this site. I know i'll be okay in the end. thank you for listening.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
You dont have to be sorry for anything...... We have been waiting for you, dont you realize you are the reason we are here? Yes you are that important, so now you just have to believe it.
What courage!!!! to reach out to your mum for help, I sure hope that comes through for you! My prayers are out there for you.
When the pain of doing what you are is more then then the pain of letting it go. Why do you continue to do the things you know will hurt you? Maybe if you stop, go no contact, even if it is only till you can get your things... you might heal some. I do know though that you will not heal if you keep picking at the sore.
What courage!!!! to reach out to your mum for help, I sure hope that comes through for you! My prayers are out there for you.
I just want this pain to stop. The rejection, lonliness and fear is so all consuming.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: London, England
Posts: 12
Thank you cynay.
You are absolutley right. I know it has to be no contact. I absolutely know that with all of my heart. Each time i speak to him is like a dagger to my heart. He told me the last time we spoke that he probably did have a problem with alcohol, but i was the only person to ever say that, and that i was just using it as an excuse to explain away the things that i have said to him when i was at my wits end. I know i am just buying in to his addiction and I in turn have become addicted to him. I will try with all my heart to do this. thank you.
I am going to try and find an alanon meeting to go to.
You are absolutley right. I know it has to be no contact. I absolutely know that with all of my heart. Each time i speak to him is like a dagger to my heart. He told me the last time we spoke that he probably did have a problem with alcohol, but i was the only person to ever say that, and that i was just using it as an excuse to explain away the things that i have said to him when i was at my wits end. I know i am just buying in to his addiction and I in turn have become addicted to him. I will try with all my heart to do this. thank you.
I am going to try and find an alanon meeting to go to.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hey there Lisa,
Sounds to me like you are doing better today. You are more in control of the situation. YOu were able to talk to him in spite of his venom, and you had the strength to call your Mom. It's clear to me that you are going to make it thru just fine.
The pain will stop. Just like Cynay said. When I first arrived here at SoberRecovery I felt a deep, burning pain, much like what you describe. My pain went away, and quickly, once I started working on _me_ and why I tolerated people who treated me so poorly. You said you are aware that he is manipulating you and I think that is hugely healthy for you to recognize that.
Oh yeah, no need to apologize for expressing what you feel. That is _exactly_ what we are here for, to listen to each other and make a safe place where we can "get it all out".
Mike
Sounds to me like you are doing better today. You are more in control of the situation. YOu were able to talk to him in spite of his venom, and you had the strength to call your Mom. It's clear to me that you are going to make it thru just fine.
The pain will stop. Just like Cynay said. When I first arrived here at SoberRecovery I felt a deep, burning pain, much like what you describe. My pain went away, and quickly, once I started working on _me_ and why I tolerated people who treated me so poorly. You said you are aware that he is manipulating you and I think that is hugely healthy for you to recognize that.
Oh yeah, no need to apologize for expressing what you feel. That is _exactly_ what we are here for, to listen to each other and make a safe place where we can "get it all out".
Mike
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
