Feeling very guilty
 

Boy,I am really doing a number on myself this morning. All morning I've been thinking about going to an ACA meeting and feeling more and more nervous about it. I realized my nervousness isn't coming so much from fear as from guilt. I have this terrible guilty feeling about going to a meeting because I know if my parents knew they wouldn't approve. It would make them uncomfortable or angry or hurt. Nobody is actively drinking in my family, I have 12 years sobriety and my dad has 15, but nobody is in "recovery". The denial is as strong as ever. Nobody ever talks about alcoholism or what happened. It is as if this entire chapter just got deleted. The general rule that we don't talk about the "family problem" is as persistant as ever. I know that my parents would feel like I'm betraying them somehow and that has a huge impact on my decision making process. It is very distressing to realize that I am more concerned with how they feel and making sure they feel ok than I am about taking care of myself. I put their "needs" before mine and I didn't even realize how much this plays into my decision making until today.

In my head I "know" that this is something I am doing for myself and really has nothing to do with them. In my head I know that I can't worry or control how they are going to feel about my decision. But, then, these voices creep in that tell me I am being "willfull" and "selfish" (my mom's words whenever I did something that she didn't have control over) and I statrt questioning my motives.

The more I realize the sicker I feel. I am so torn and confused. Will I do the right thing? Will I be able to handle the guilt? There is a little voice that says, "No, it probably isn't worth it." Help! I am talking myself out of this before I even begin.

Of course, I now see even more clearly why I need to get myself to a meeting. Will I go? I am 40 years old! I feel like I'm 4!

Thanks for letting me "talk this out".

Kathleen

Welcome...

You know, when I have to do something that I know is right for me but I equally know others will not approve of I usually get down on my knees and ask for help.

What I have seen in hindsight is that there was pretty much always a reason that I "needed" to do it, and it is usually to help someone in the future that will need my strength and experience to help them through.

Maybe one day your parent will fall from his denial and need your experience, strength and hope to walk through those doors....

Go with what you know in your Gut.

I'm sending you courage to do what it sounds like you really want to do. That's what courage is, isn't it: feeling afraid and doing it anyway. It wouldn't be courage if we weren't afraid. One step at a time, you can do it.

Neagrm,
Thanks for the good energy. I'll take that courage you're sending! I know if I can prove to myself that I can do this I will be one step closer to healing.

I am just so overwhelmed at the powerful feelings that came to me this morning. This insight was painful but it was also a gift. I came to know something that I didn't even realize was there. I suppose I can sit in the pain of my realization or have the courage to begin to change things. The choice is mine and, yes, I do want to do this. So... I will go to the meeting.
Yikes.

I feel so juvenile, like I'm making a big deal out of nothing.

I did it! I went to the meeting. It was intense, but small and safe. I even felt safe enough to share. Then, I just lost it. I couldn't stop crying, there is so much pain that I didn't even realize is there. I opened a box that has been untouched for years and it is scary. I feel like I am grieving. I am sad, but also relieved. I feel like I did the right thing.

*hugs*

You did do the right thing.... you cant have healing without tears hon... Just let the hurt happen, that is the only way to walk through it.

Im so glad for you.

Awesome socalgal, you should be proud of yourself. You definetly did the right thing. Now that you have opened the box you can get rid of all the unhealthy stuff that causes you so much pain, keep the good stuff that brings you serenity, and pitch the box in the trash.

Mike :Val004:

Cynay and Desert Eyes,
Thanks for your encouraging posts, I really needed that extra love today.
Clinging to faith like it is my life preserver in rough seas.
Kathleen

I am very proud of you! It does indeed take a lot of courage to go head first into the abyss! And look! It didn't kill you! It opened the lid on that box. It's a heavy box that you've been carrying around like a boulder on your back, never knowing how to put it down.

Mike said it best - now you can throw away the things you don't need anymore, keep the things you like, and get rid of the box entirely. Now you can make a whole new you, a you that YOU WANT to be, not the you that you became out of necessity for survival.