Anyone cut off from parents completely?

Old 01-11-2007, 12:07 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
blessed2be's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Arlington Heights, Illinois
Posts: 32
Anyone cut off from parents completely?

Hi all,

Having a tough time today. Today is my Mom's birthday. She is an alcoholic (as well as my Dad) and of course, she is in denial. I cut contact with her and my Dad (who was also physically abusive to me and Mom) after a horrendous Christmas with them. We have 3 small kids and made the decision to stay away to protect our children. After growing up in such a violent home, I went on to somehow marry a normal, wonderful man.

I haven't talked to my Mom since Dec. 28th. I knew it would be difficult to walk away. I have been going to Al-Anon for the last two weeks (have been to 5 meetings so far). The meetings have completely been my strength. Unfortunately I can't make any meetings today, but still needed to vent. I am working really hard on not focusing on them, but on me. I don't want to contact my Mom. She blames me for everything wrong. I feel she needs to realize that because of their alcoholism, they will lose us unless something changes. I know I can't change them. It took a long time, but I realize that now. I guess I am going through the sort of "grief/loss" period that members of Al-Anon said I would go through. Knowing it was coming doesn't make experiencing it that much easier! The most difficult thing to deal with is that I am an only child. They had one chance and they blew it. I know I have a wonderful family now and that we can make our own great memories. I guess I am just disgusted that I had to walk away at all. None of this should have ever happened.

I have been getting so much support from the meetings and the boards that I visit. I am trying to read more to understand more. I guess I feel the need to ask the question, "Did anyone out there completely detach themselves from their parents?". What made you make the decision? Was it forever? If not forever, how did it happen that you were on speaking terms again? How can you just detach and still have a relationship with the person?

I am not looking for someone to tell me what to do. I would just like to read someone else's experience so that I may "take what I like and leave the rest". Thanks!
blessed2be is offline  
Old 01-11-2007, 12:56 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Don't get undies in a bunch
 
best's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
I moved out at 18. Married at 19. First child born at 21. Didn't see parents for all that time. My daughter was 6 months old before I let my wife talk me into going for a visit so they could see her for the first time. Over that time I was away from them, they both slowed greatly on their drinking. Over that time away from them, I did not have the stress of dealing with "their" issues.
On a happier note... they both stopped their drinking and on visits that some of their old traits would show up, we would just say it was time to go and return to the peace of our own place.
Boundries keep my world at peace.
best is offline  
Old 01-11-2007, 06:50 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
blessed2be's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Arlington Heights, Illinois
Posts: 32
best...thanks so much for your reply. It hasn't been near long enough for me to go back to contacting them and I must say that even the last two weeks without contact have been better than being put in the middle of their issues. Only time will tell...
blessed2be is offline  
Old 01-11-2007, 07:13 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Don't get undies in a bunch
 
best's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
For me it was self preservation. I was drinking at the time myself so my anger was magnified. Drinking or sober, it wasn't a good place to be in. Shortly after my daughter was born is when I started to look for answers on getting myself sober. With me sober, I was better able to see when things were unhealthy and the visits were cut short. My children did not need to see poor behavior and neither my wife or I needed to put up with rude behavior.
Boundries keep me at peace.
best is offline  
Old 01-11-2007, 07:28 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Nearby
Posts: 231
(((blessed2be)))

So far I've cut off contact with my parents 3 times, so that whole "permanently" thing doesn't ring true with me. The first time I did it was after my Mom turned me in to CPS for child abuse. CPS cleared me. I told my Mom I had to take a break from her. That estrangement ended about 6 months later in family counseling and my complete disinheritence. Did I mention I'm an only child? Geeze. The counselor took me aside after a month and recommended permanent separation. His exact words were, "Your parents aren't playing fair and you need to protect yourself." But.....I can be a slow learner. That was 15 years ago. Mom died.

Seven years ago, I cut off contact with my Dad following an awful scene over Christmas. It involved him giving my son large sums of money after being told that gifts of that kind needed to be discussed and disclosed. He gave my then 13 year old son several hundred dollars with instructions "not to tell Mom." Even then all of the drama, screaming and threats came from him. We reconciled at my Grandmother's death bed. Probably a mistake, ya think?

The latest was in Aug. of 2006. When once again his temper and bullying behavior frightened me to death. When he hung up on me, after screaming obscenities at me about my son, I decided that the last time he hung up on me was the last time he'd hang up on me.

I do send letters once a month to update him on our lives. I consider it a kindness on my part. He can tell his friends how we are and "pretend" we're a normal family. I get to salve my guilt. My hope is that life unfolds in such a way that he and I can live peacefully and apart for the rest of our lives. I don't ever want or need to see him again. Sad huh? He turned 80 last summer.

I'm not sure what you're looking for but I hope this helps. I was drawn by your mention of 3 young children. All of my awareness of my issues with my parents and with ACOA came up with the birth of my son. Everything has been about protecting him and breaking the cycle in my generation. I hope you can too.
Easeful is offline  
Old 01-12-2007, 12:00 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Ahimsa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Mountain West
Posts: 96
Hi blessed2be...your post hit me at a great time, I too am in the process of the cutting-off concept. I read a lot of great posts in response to my questions about cutting off contact, and they mostly centered around not having to make a *permanent* decision, that it can be a day-to-day decision, and to just keep those boundaries where they are comfortable for me. I too am an only child, and when my mom is not having a terrible day, we are actually pretty close, which makes the thought of cutting off contact hard to swallow. But those days when things aren't so good completely obliterate the good days, and in a way, make the good days seem very "fake" and insincere. I am sorry that you weren't able to call your mom on her birthday today, or attend a meeting. I am approaching the cutting off point also, and my mom's birthday is Feb.6th...coming up soon. I don't really have much advice for you, but know that I support you in whatever keeps you and your family safe/sane. I have had a hard time keeping boundaries in the past, so I hope when I attempt it again, I can be as dedicated to it as I need to be, for my own sanity. I haven't attended any meetings yet, but plan to start as soon as I am done with my x-country move next week...a fresh start :0) Glad to hear that it's working for you, and good luck with everything!!
Ahimsa is offline  
Old 01-12-2007, 04:19 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Nearby
Posts: 231
hmmm, three only children on this thread. Isn't that interesting? I guess it makes sense from the standpoint of our lack of additional contacts growing up, our parent's (especially Mom's) failure to identify us as separate beings, the oppressive guilt and ever present feeling of responsibility. But....what about them? What are they thinking? They're not getting any younger and we're all they've got. And this is how they treat us? It just makes no sense at all. Sorry, just wanted to rant a little this morning.
Easeful is offline  
Old 01-12-2007, 06:02 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Ahimsa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Mountain West
Posts: 96
I noticed the only child pattern too...hmmm??!
Ahimsa is offline  
Old 01-12-2007, 10:29 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
blessed2be's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Arlington Heights, Illinois
Posts: 32
Wow! These posts were exactly what I needed to read. Thank you so much for sharing. Easeful...I am with you...all I keep thinking is that maybe they should straighten up considering I am the only one left to take care of them when they are older!

Many blessings to all of you and may you all have the guidance and strength you seek to get through whatever life is handing to you.

Jennifer
blessed2be is offline  
Old 01-12-2007, 11:29 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Gemini31's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Aurora, Colorado
Posts: 37
I currently don't have contact with any of my family members. It's just too hard. The holidays were a little lonely, but I never really spent them with my family much anyway. Dad's a severe alcoholic, Mom's an emotional abuser/enabler, one sister is a drug addict, other sisters learned the emotional abuse from my mother and aren't very nice people - eeks the list goes on and on. I know no one's family is perfect, but mine was just way too dysfunctional for me to deal with anymore. I have felt better self esteem wise.

My mom and dad have been trying to get back in touch with me lately, and I almost went for it, but decided against it. They are both super manipulators and I just knew I would be asking for trouble if I opened that can of worms again.

Sorry to hear about your situation, but you sound very smart and strong. I am glad that you married someone stable and are making a good home for your children
Gemini31 is offline  
Old 01-12-2007, 04:33 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
blessed2be's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Arlington Heights, Illinois
Posts: 32
Originally Posted by Gemini31 View Post
I currently don't have contact with any of my family members. It's just too hard. The holidays were a little lonely, but I never really spent them with my family much anyway. Dad's a severe alcoholic, Mom's an emotional abuser/enabler, one sister is a drug addict, other sisters learned the emotional abuse from my mother and aren't very nice people - eeks the list goes on and on. I know no one's family is perfect, but mine was just way too dysfunctional for me to deal with anymore. I have felt better self esteem wise.

My mom and dad have been trying to get back in touch with me lately, and I almost went for it, but decided against it. They are both super manipulators and I just knew I would be asking for trouble if I opened that can of worms again.

Sorry to hear about your situation, but you sound very smart and strong. I am glad that you married someone stable and are making a good home for your children

Your situation sounds almost exactly like mine. The difference is that I don't have siblings. I have already completely cut contact with my Dad's whole side of the family (except for my cousin that turned out semi-normal like I did...in spite of our upbringing!). I guess it helps to know that of course life goes on and whatever the decision, all of you seem to be happy with the decisions that you made.

Thanks for your great posts! Today was a really good day for me. Full of prayers and great one-sided conversations with my HP! I am trying to focus on "me" and my family and although it is tough...I feel better when I am not wondering what they are up to or if they will call or email me. Keeping busy is key!

You are all so wonderful! I am so glad I found this forum!

Many blessings,
Jennifer
blessed2be is offline  
Old 01-12-2007, 05:21 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Ahimsa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Mountain West
Posts: 96
Just a thought - anyone have any experience with cutting contact with just ONE parent? While both are still together?
Ahimsa is offline  
Old 01-12-2007, 07:06 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
blessed2be's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Arlington Heights, Illinois
Posts: 32
Originally Posted by Ahimsa View Post
Just a thought - anyone have any experience with cutting contact with just ONE parent? While both are still together?
I would be curious of the same. I truly don't want contact with my father again and there would be no love lost. I can't trust him around my kids and he has never tried to get to know them anyway. I would, however, hope to reconcile with my Mom someday. We were pretty close (as long as I never mentioned the fact that she is an alcoholic...which she vehemently denies). My parents are still together. I wonder often how that would work.

Anyone?
blessed2be is offline  
Old 01-12-2007, 07:18 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Nearby
Posts: 231
Actually in my "blog" above, my initial estrangement was from my Mother only. I contiued to see my Dad. Sadly, eventually I came to understand that they (and I) were all equally dysfunction. I chose to recover. They have/did not. Best Wishes for you.
Easeful is offline  
Old 01-13-2007, 04:45 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
I'm no angel!
 
dollydo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
My mother is an alcoholic. Has been one for 60 years, never stopped drinking one day the entire time.

I cut contact off with her twice, once for 4 years, once for 10 years. The last time I did, I never thought I would see her again. I was wrong, she called me Thanksgiving of 2003, we set the past aside.

However, I set clear bounderies with her, if she crosses them I advise her she has, and like Elvis, I leave the stage.

I never imagined she would live as long as she has...she turns 81 next month.

The years I was not in communication with her were the most peaceful of my life. I made a choice, due to her age to reconcile with her, it was a hard decision to make and has been difficult at best.

My Best,

Dolly
dollydo is offline  
Old 01-13-2007, 05:03 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
To Life!
 
historyteach's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
Healing From Family Rifts, a book by social worker Mark Sichel, may be of help for those of you struggling with these issues. You can get it at Amazon.
www.marksichel.com
Shalom!
historyteach is offline  
Old 01-13-2007, 05:14 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Nearby
Posts: 231
Hi Dolly,

Your posts about reconciling because of your mother's age pull at my heart and conscience. But then I remember my Dad has had several family members live to be 100. OMG, reconciliation now could mean signing on for another 20+ years of this.

And that makes me determined to do whatever's next in as healthy a way as I can.
Easeful is offline  
Old 01-13-2007, 05:36 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
I'm no angel!
 
dollydo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Easeful.

I sure do understand what you are saying, longevity reigns in my mother's side of the family too.

I am quite confident she can live another 5-7 years, maybe longer, her father lived to age 92, his brother age 98.

Scares the batooties out of me.

Life ain't easy!
dollydo is offline  
Old 01-14-2007, 03:31 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Eldorado Hills,CA
Posts: 13
I know how hard it is! God Bless!
pooh bear is offline  
Old 01-19-2007, 12:10 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Victoria, Australia
Posts: 12
After 40 years of trying I gave up and cut all contact with my large family about 3 years ago.

I did everything I could possibly do, but nothing was ever good enough for them. Their unacceptable behaviour = verbal abuse, emotional abuse, disrespect, violence and in the end absolute betrayal.

First there was a feeling of relief for me, after making this decision. That lasted a couple of months. Then fear creeped in, like what will they do to try and suck me back into their lives and how will I handle it. A few attempts have been made but always ended in an argument/fight. I have had a complete year with NO contact at all with any of them.

My physical life is very peaceful BUT I suffer heavy psychological feelings of hurt, guilt, fear, loneliness and constant wishing things could be different ALL the time. Plus I can't forgive them. I understand alcoholism and its' effects on family members (thanks to 3 years Al-Anon meetings and lots of reading)

But I look after myself now because my family's behaviours were making me mentally and physically ill e.g. depression, anxiety, heart problems, diabetes 2 (which has nearly gone now because it was mainly bought on by extreme stress, so my Doctor says).

I think I'm rambling so I'll end with... I'm at a stage that I don't know which is better - to have my family in my life with their unacceptable behaviours OR live with the on-going mental pain/grief of not being part of my (ageing, parents being over 80 years old )family.
troubles is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:18 AM.