Ahimsa

Hello All! I am new to this forum, and while my fiance is very supportive of me, I just feel like I need some advice from those who can more closely relate. Quick history: I am 21 and my mom has been an active alcoholic for about 10 years now. Maybe longer, but that's when I can remember it starting. I am living with my parents at the moment, but am moving to Maine in a week to be with my fiance who's in graduate school. I've moved in/out several times in the past 3 years and have experimented with the "cutting off contact" idea with her many times. I am an only child and have always felt pretty close to both my parents, who have always been very very supportive of me. My Dad has always been so great, but in the past 5 years, my Mom has been getting more and more verbally/emotionally abusive, and even physically sometimes. Which is very scary for me. About 3 years ago she got a DUI. My dad and I sat her down and discussed getting her help, that we would be there every step of the way, etc, etc, etc. She denied the problem, and we went on with our lives. Then less than a year later she got another DUI, and agreed to enter a 30 day rehab (only b/c it would make her court sentence lighter she said). So 30 days later, she relapsed, and has been on probation for about 2 years....drinking all the time. Probation was pointless, and I think he checked in maybe twice in 2 years. Anyway, I am leaving next Monday, and am ready to cut all ties with her. All of them. I know this is a very big decision, but I feel it's one I need to make. While I am not worried about dealing with her while I'm away (They are in UT, I will be in Maine), it's the future I worry about. My upcoming wedding, future children, miserable Holiday events, etc. She was drunk at my graduation, prom, and many other important events, and because of that, it's the only thing I can remember about them. How ANGRY I was. I've been to therapists, had interventions, had Mother/Daughter discussion days with my genuine feelings...and no results. WOW...that was a very long post. Sorry everyone. Just hoping someone will have some good insights into my decision to cut off contact with her. Thanks so much for everything....

GingerM

You do not, at this moment in your life, have to make a decision which will last for the rest of your life. You can move out to be with your fiance, cut off contact with your mother, and continue contact with your father. Or you can cut off contact with him as well if you need to. But that decision is a "here today" decision.

Each day in our lives we get up and we make decisions. Everyday that I come home to my wonderful husband, I make a choice to continue to be with him. If he did something heinous, then I probably would make a different decision. If he then made amends, I would probably make yet a different decision.

It sounds from your post like your most worried about what will happen much later down the line. Make the decision you need to make for today. If things change in the future, and you need to re-evaluate that decision, do so then. You have no way of predicting the future, and the best you can do is make healthy decisions in the moment based on the information you have.

Choosing to detach from an obviously unhealthy relationship right now does not mean that later down the road you might change your mind. Nothing in this life is permanent.

My 2 cents worth (and welcome to the board!)

GiveLove

hi Ahimsa!!
Welcome to the board. Glad you're here!
As someone in a very similar situation to your own, I have to say that I agree with Ginger -- perhaps you could just take this one day at a time. You do not have to make a lifelong commitment here, just make the change that you feel you need right now, in this stage of your recovery. I know exactly how you feel, how strong is the desire to cut off ties and cut our losses, but it may be less stressful for you to simply live your own life, day by day, and if you continue to feel inside that you don't want contact with your mom, well then don't. I wouldn't hesitate to explain why, either, as difficult as it might be. There may be days later on when you will feel strong enough to talk to an alcoholic (I've had them) and it might be possible to speak with loving detachment. There may be events where there is enough of a buffer that it might be okay to include her. You just don't know at this point.

Anyway, do what you feel is best but don't feel like this is an all-or-nothing situation. We do what it takes to get better. Good luck with your move!
Take care of yourself
GL

DesertEyes

Hello Ahimsa, and welcome to SoberRecovery.

I totally agree with Ginger (which is not a surprise, she is very wise ).

I also did the no contact thing. It was terribly difficult at first, but once I got the hang of it my life improved wonderfuly.

Your Mom sounds like she's slowly getting worse, that's called progression. Every time she is forced to face the consequences of her drinking it ads one more little straw to the "camels back". At some point all that will come crashing down on her and she will do what is called "hitting bottom". You can read all about this over in the "Friends of Family of Alcoholics" forum right here on SoberRecovery. There's a lot of information in the "sticky" posts at the top of the forum.

What you and your Dad are doing is called "setting boundaries", and it's the most helpful thing you can do for your own sanity, as well as to help your Mom "hit bottom".

Don't worry about the length of your posts, we're here to listen so write all you want.

Welcome again, and congratulations on your engagement. He's in graduate school did you say? Good catch

Mike

blessed2be

Wow...this post came at the perfect time for me, as I am cutting contact at the moment from both parents...both of which are alcoholics/drug addicts. I too have fought, gone back and forth, been repeatedly embarrassed. The last time I spoke with my Mom and Dad was Thursday, December 28th. We had a horrible Christmas. I am married with three kids and lead a very normal, spiritual life. This Christmas was the straw that broke the camel's back. My Dad completely exploded over something so silly and I saw the fear in my kids' eyes. It was the same fear I knew all too well every day as a child. So, I made the decision that I was cutting all ties with my Dad. I am cutting them with my Mom too, but I don't see that one as being forever. We'll see...the best advice has already been given...take things day by day. This week will be tough, as my Mom's birthday is Thursday, January 11th and this will be the first year ever that I won't be calling her on her birthday. Tough one, but necessary.

Take care..many blessings!
Jennifer

Ahimsa

I just want to thank you all so much, I hope you realize how helpful you've been :0) It's so great to be part of a community like this one, and I am so glad I joined. Great advice, and I think making a "today" decision is going to be the best thing for me. Again, thank you ALL, and have a wonderful week.

:0)