feeling helpless
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: boston
Posts: 2
feeling helpless
There is really noone I know who can help me on this subject. Almost everyone I have ever mentioned it to gave me a typical " oh you'll be ok hun" type deal. I want to know if anyone on here can relate to any of what I am about to share , and tell me how to cope.
I am 19 years old. I was adopted when I was 8 years old after going through 8 years of foster care because my birthparents found their way into every abuse problem you can think of. I have a brother who is 4 years younger than me. I made it my goal to never drink/smoke/do drugs/be abused/etc..after seeing the effects it has. I wanted to be a good role model for him, and prove to myself my life does not have to be like that.
When I turned 18 last summer I decided that all of my unanswered question needed some closure. I contacted my birthfamily and got back in touch.
My first 8 years of memories I have of my childhood doesnt come close to what I was going to hear from them. Everything you can think of, alcholholics, abuse,attempted murders, incest, rape, drugs, the list goes on. It absoloutly blew my mind to hear. I am not naive, but I was not aware that such disfunction could be in the lives of 2 people.
I truly thought (and they said) that my coming back in their lives would heal some wounds. Give them a reason to put down the bottle.
It does not. They act the exact same way around me now as they did during my childhood. Its hardest when they cry after and tell me how much they love me and how much they want to change. I have a successful career ahead of me, an amazing boyfriend,great friends, goals ambitions, ...but it is the most lonely feeling in the world to think your mom and dad just had sex one night, you came into the world, and thats it.
My question to anyone out there who has dealt with people in their lives like this, OR people who have addictions and can explain to me what it is really like.....how can i keep them in my lives, but not go insane from what I have to deal with.
thank you very much!
I am 19 years old. I was adopted when I was 8 years old after going through 8 years of foster care because my birthparents found their way into every abuse problem you can think of. I have a brother who is 4 years younger than me. I made it my goal to never drink/smoke/do drugs/be abused/etc..after seeing the effects it has. I wanted to be a good role model for him, and prove to myself my life does not have to be like that.
When I turned 18 last summer I decided that all of my unanswered question needed some closure. I contacted my birthfamily and got back in touch.
My first 8 years of memories I have of my childhood doesnt come close to what I was going to hear from them. Everything you can think of, alcholholics, abuse,attempted murders, incest, rape, drugs, the list goes on. It absoloutly blew my mind to hear. I am not naive, but I was not aware that such disfunction could be in the lives of 2 people.
I truly thought (and they said) that my coming back in their lives would heal some wounds. Give them a reason to put down the bottle.
It does not. They act the exact same way around me now as they did during my childhood. Its hardest when they cry after and tell me how much they love me and how much they want to change. I have a successful career ahead of me, an amazing boyfriend,great friends, goals ambitions, ...but it is the most lonely feeling in the world to think your mom and dad just had sex one night, you came into the world, and thats it.
My question to anyone out there who has dealt with people in their lives like this, OR people who have addictions and can explain to me what it is really like.....how can i keep them in my lives, but not go insane from what I have to deal with.
thank you very much!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Second star to the right....
Posts: 845
much love to you, i relate to part of your story. my past was very abusive but its not who i am. my father who i choose to call an alcoholic was very violent and then would come into my room full of tears and remorse and i would comfort him so that he would just leave and also because i pitied him as much as i grew to hate him. learning that i have frozen needs from childhood that will never thaw because noone else can be my parent unfortunately. however by going to recovery (alanon and coda mostly) i found a lot of understanding, validation and release from childhood demons.
my dads drinking and my familys behaviour has nothing to do with me, and i didnt cause it, i cant cure it and i cant control it. my power resides in my faith and in my belief that i am in control over only my own life and i cant "love someone" into good health. it is sad sometimes and i had a period of grief to accept that but i found readings on DETACHMENT very helpful and also looking at grief because to realise the extent of how lonely my childhood was, the absence of real intimacy, the shut-down of my emotions and the desolate cold dark room that i see my childhood as sometimes can be overwhelmingly painful.
yet with a faith in a higher power and a faith in myself, i can create a new life and i do find that in recovery and outside now i have healed many aspects of childhood, it comes up thoughout my life but i now have a network and a program to help me with that.
it doesnt help me to feel the unfairness of my family coasting our ship into the one iceberg in the sea but rather to get to the lifeboats, find land and be grateful that i got life and strong feelings dont equate madness and stopping does not equate death and I AM STILL HERE. just my thoughts. peace and love.
my dads drinking and my familys behaviour has nothing to do with me, and i didnt cause it, i cant cure it and i cant control it. my power resides in my faith and in my belief that i am in control over only my own life and i cant "love someone" into good health. it is sad sometimes and i had a period of grief to accept that but i found readings on DETACHMENT very helpful and also looking at grief because to realise the extent of how lonely my childhood was, the absence of real intimacy, the shut-down of my emotions and the desolate cold dark room that i see my childhood as sometimes can be overwhelmingly painful.
yet with a faith in a higher power and a faith in myself, i can create a new life and i do find that in recovery and outside now i have healed many aspects of childhood, it comes up thoughout my life but i now have a network and a program to help me with that.
it doesnt help me to feel the unfairness of my family coasting our ship into the one iceberg in the sea but rather to get to the lifeboats, find land and be grateful that i got life and strong feelings dont equate madness and stopping does not equate death and I AM STILL HERE. just my thoughts. peace and love.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello there ashsmash, and welcome to SoberRecovery.
I'm sorry to hear your birth family is so messed up. Addiction does that to people. I think it's awesome that you have been able to avoid being messed up yourself.
As far as keeping them in your lives without going insane, that's hard to do. The experts at that sort of thing are the folks in al-anon and nar-anon. We have to other "Friends and Family forums" that deal with exactly that issue. Check out those other forums, especially the "sticky" posts at the top of each forum.
You can also call the local office of al-anon, they're listed in your phone book. Check out a few meetings, and go thru their literature. They have tons of books and pamphlets with all kinds of information that I have found very useful. Some of the al-anon meetings are dedicated to spouses of addicts, others to "Adult Children" like us, so check out several meets until you find one that is relevant to your questions.
Welcome again.
Mike
I'm sorry to hear your birth family is so messed up. Addiction does that to people. I think it's awesome that you have been able to avoid being messed up yourself.
As far as keeping them in your lives without going insane, that's hard to do. The experts at that sort of thing are the folks in al-anon and nar-anon. We have to other "Friends and Family forums" that deal with exactly that issue. Check out those other forums, especially the "sticky" posts at the top of each forum.
You can also call the local office of al-anon, they're listed in your phone book. Check out a few meetings, and go thru their literature. They have tons of books and pamphlets with all kinds of information that I have found very useful. Some of the al-anon meetings are dedicated to spouses of addicts, others to "Adult Children" like us, so check out several meets until you find one that is relevant to your questions.
Welcome again.
Mike
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
I won't answer you with "you'll be okay" because you're obviously not okay or you wouldn't be here asking for a shoulder to lean on.
You have some options, one of which is to accept that yes, one night of sex landed you in this world, and without a lot of help from others (I'm not sure about your adoptive family as you don't mention them) you're now doing very well for yourself. There's not much you can do about how you entered the world, and (as I see it) is how you entered the world really that important? Or is it more important what you do once you get here?
As for your biological parents, you will not be able to change them. They were like this before you were born. They are still like this now, after having their son(s) taken away from them by the state. If that wasn't a wake up call to make them change, it's doubtful anything will change them. They won't change until THEY are ready to change, nothing you can do will make this happen any faster. I think I can speak for all of us here when I say I truly wish there was a way to push someone into recovery, but alas, there is not. Accepting this will help bring peace into your life.
As to how to maintain a relationship with them, while protecting yourself from getting sucked into their world, well now. That's an art form I'm still working on. As Mike said, reading stickies can help put a lot of things into a different light. Reading the 'friends and family' forum can help a lot as well. Learning to let their problems be their problems and accepting that they are responsible for the natural consequences of their actions, just as you are for yours. These are all things which will help, but it is still difficult.
From what I've seen and heard from others, there is no one size fits all way of dealing with toxic family. Even those who completely walk away seem to harbor some "I wish it would have been differents". If you can accept the situation for what it is, accept that you can do nothing to change it, and replace your desire to change it with an "I wish it could be different, but it isn't", you're most of the way there.
I do wish you luck and peace in this. It is not easy or simple.
You have some options, one of which is to accept that yes, one night of sex landed you in this world, and without a lot of help from others (I'm not sure about your adoptive family as you don't mention them) you're now doing very well for yourself. There's not much you can do about how you entered the world, and (as I see it) is how you entered the world really that important? Or is it more important what you do once you get here?
As for your biological parents, you will not be able to change them. They were like this before you were born. They are still like this now, after having their son(s) taken away from them by the state. If that wasn't a wake up call to make them change, it's doubtful anything will change them. They won't change until THEY are ready to change, nothing you can do will make this happen any faster. I think I can speak for all of us here when I say I truly wish there was a way to push someone into recovery, but alas, there is not. Accepting this will help bring peace into your life.
As to how to maintain a relationship with them, while protecting yourself from getting sucked into their world, well now. That's an art form I'm still working on. As Mike said, reading stickies can help put a lot of things into a different light. Reading the 'friends and family' forum can help a lot as well. Learning to let their problems be their problems and accepting that they are responsible for the natural consequences of their actions, just as you are for yours. These are all things which will help, but it is still difficult.
From what I've seen and heard from others, there is no one size fits all way of dealing with toxic family. Even those who completely walk away seem to harbor some "I wish it would have been differents". If you can accept the situation for what it is, accept that you can do nothing to change it, and replace your desire to change it with an "I wish it could be different, but it isn't", you're most of the way there.
I do wish you luck and peace in this. It is not easy or simple.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Somwhere over the rainbow
Posts: 1,175
ashmash... I can relate... my family is VERY disfunctional. I know that part of the solution is to set very clear and well defined boundaries. Make them stick to the boundaries. Do not accept any of their excuses and BS for what they did. If they apologize and are sincere, accept it if you can, if not, do not beat yourself up over it.
I am very impressed with your short summary of your life. You have done an amazing thing in getting through this and setting an example for your brother.
Also, remember, parents are the ones that raised us, not the ones that gave birth to us.
Peace, Levi
I am very impressed with your short summary of your life. You have done an amazing thing in getting through this and setting an example for your brother.
Also, remember, parents are the ones that raised us, not the ones that gave birth to us.
Peace, Levi
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Arlington Heights, Illinois
Posts: 32
Ashsmash...I grew up in a really disfunctional household. Both parents alcoholics/addicts and my father was also abusive and fought feelings of sexual abuse as well (just a few instances where I can tell he stopped himself and struggled with sa-ing me). I am 32 yrs. old, married to a wonderfully man, and mother to three beautiful children. I chose to break the mold and cycle of abuse. Just 2 weeks ago (just after a horrible Christmas visit), my husband and I agreed to cut ties with my parents. We are tired of getting blamed for their issues, tired of keeping secrets, tired of the addictions. We tried to detach with love and just realize that we couldn't change them, but each visit with them is so stressful (for us AND the kids), that it didn't seem worth it. Kudos to you if you can detach yourself and still have a relationship with your birth parents. I felt it was personally too much for me to handle. I am finding a new family in Al-Anon and have received more love and acceptance from them in a week, than from my parents in my lifetime. I keep telling myself that I have a choice. I don't need to put myself in situations that make me uncomfortable. I now have my own family and am much happier putting my efforts there, instead of exhausting myself in my parents' issues.
Good for you for turning out so well adjusted after growing up the way you did. Keep tapping that strength!
Good for you for turning out so well adjusted after growing up the way you did. Keep tapping that strength!
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