jacksdaughter

I had written a letter., in my opinion a very kind letter, to my parents trying to explain to them that we could no longer go on as a family if my dad didn't admit he was an alchoholic and get help. I felt 20 years was long enough to keep this going and going. The letter I got back I just couldn't believe. Not only didn't they get it at all, my Mom indicated that "it killed" them, Dad is "destroyed". What do they think has been going on all these years. I think it just reconfirms my original decision to find some peace for myself and stop letting myself be drag into the non stop drama. I have to admit I do feel much calmer lately without the daily calls and the daily on and off drama. Again, thanks to all who share and listen.

mtnmagic

jacksdaughter -

I'm so very sorry that you didn't get the response to the letter that you would have liked. But it sounds to me like you got exactly what you needed to help you move forward in your own recovery!

Hugs to you!
mtnmagic

hope3

Dear jacksdaughter, I feel for you.

I'm also proud of you for setting limits.

You can not set their limits, sadly enough though.

It may not seem to you that you made progress, and that they didn't get it, but deep down I think they got it, but might be in denial.

Every sown seed starts something, be patient and hope for the best.

Mean time be true to thyself and take actions that are good for you.
God bless! Hope3.

Easeful

I'm sorry that your parents couldn't respond in the way you had hoped.

Take care of you!! I had a therapist tell me once that when one member of a dysfunctional unit (and all alcoholic families are dysfunctional) starts to take steps to get healthy, the other members will intensify their dysfunctional behavior in order to draw the offender back into line. As impossible as it sounds, the drama may well escalate.

arudius

I too share the sentiments...I am sorry it didn't turn out the way it probably should. Parents can be very arrogant and stubborn in their ways. It's important that we realize that again it's not our faults.

I'm curious though, would you advise doing this? I haven't posted my "story" yet, but I have always considered writing a letter. I am curious how this has helped you or hurt you, or what ever the reaction may had been with you.

If anything, I'm too looking for guidance.

atalose

I too am sorry you didn't get the response you were looking for.

But I am so very proud of you for even sending the letter in the first place, way to go on your recovery. That took courage and alot of strength on your part.
You have set healthy boundaries for yourself and that in it self is great start on your recovery.
It's true, they don't like it when we begin to get healthy. They think they are hiding the alcoholic, but the truth is, most outsiders know sooner then those inside the home.
My mom lived in denial for so long, even today she will only admit that my dad "just" has a few too many beers sometimes. And she'll throw in, he's getting older and can't hold his beer like he used to.
I have set boundaries with my father, my mother certainly doesn't like it but I have stuck to them and those boundaries are now wearing off on my mom and she has begun to set her own. But that road was long and bumpy, filled with anger, manipulation and attempted guilt trips by my parents.
Keep up the good work, I know it's hard and I know it's filled with hurt, you just have to hang in there until the ruff waters settle.

DesertEyes

That took a lot of courage, Jacksdaughter. You should be proud of yourself for writing the letter, and for being able to handle the toxic and abusive response with such serenity. That's wonderful recovery you got there. I'm glad you're feeling calmer without the daily drama, isn't that a wonderful feeling?

Mike

leviathon

Hi JD, if it is any consolation, I wrote my father a letter like that that challenged his abusive conduct throughout my childhood... his reaction was denial too.

Funny thing though is that he read the letter for the first time in the presence of people that I know and they told me he turned white and had to sit down... perhaps the real issue was that the truth hit clear to the bone and the reaction was the poison that had always festered in him. The upside, despite his denial, I knew that I had at least confronted him about it... it isn't my fault if he isn't able to acknowledge his responsibility for his own actions.

Peace, Levi

jacksdaughter

I'm curious though, would you advise doing this? I haven't posted my "story" yet, but I have always considered writing a letter. I am curious how this has helped you or hurt you, or what ever the reaction may had been with you.

To answer above as I do not know how to use the quote feature yet., yes the letter helped me a great deal. I am not a good communicator verbally but can put my feelings on paper very well, maybe just easier for as I am probably always afraid of "rejection" or "critism" not sure exactly which one or both.

But thank you to all lfor your kind words. I am going to call them today and see what if any progress has been made. I am banking on none. I was told that my dad told the priest who visited him at the hospital that he had a "blood sugar" problem. Now if you can't tell your priest the truth who can you tell right? So I guess the denial and lies go on. But I will find out today. I will let all know how that goes and I will probably need to vent I'm sure.

blessed2be

Jacksdaughter,

I too wrote a long letter to my parents and it completely blew up in my face. Apparently, I am to blame for their behavior and they are completely normal and have no problems until my husband, kids and I come to visit them. I am glad I wrote the letter because they now know how I feel. I am also glad that I made the decision to protect my family and cut ties with them. I hope they get help someday, but I guarantee I won't be calling to find out if they have come to that conclusion. It is so difficult to not call them or contact them, but I feel so much better (as you have stated) now that I am not smack dab in the middle of their issues. I hope you find strength and guidance to get through this difficult time. Stay strong and consistant whatever you decide to do! Hang in there!

Many blessings,
Jennifer

historyteach

Mark Sichel wrote a book titled, Healing From Family Rifts.
He's a social worker who used to volunteer here on SR.
I highly recomend it. You can get it from Amazon.

Shalom!

pooh bear

I understand what you are going through. Keep taking care of yourself and remember that you are not alone.

socalgal

I too, wrote a letter when I was early in my recovery from alcoholism. It was the scariest thing I ever did. My therapist urged me to identify issues and set boundaries with my mother (she was the codependent, my dad was the alcoholic). It wasn't well received. My mom plays the martyr to this day. If I even suggest that something that happened in my childhood had a negative effect on me she is instantly defensive and says things (crying) like,"I know you think we ruined your life and I'm sorry we did everything wrong, etc."
I have come to realize that not only must she live in denial but she must carry an extreme amount of guilt over things she KNOWS happened. Knowing this has made it easier for me to let things be. I told her once how I felt. She heard it, whether she wants to accept it or not is her business. I no longer feel the need to tell her everything. I can accept her own denial with compassion knowing that she is probably hurting and really doesn't have the capacity to "own" or accept things.
I take care of myself and let them do what they still have the need to do to survive.
Kathleen