leviathon

I am really well for me, really pretty much means inside I am hurting, but on the surface I am like whatever, it doesn't really matter...

The whole point here is she is peeved because she decided to come to my "hometown" of sorts instead of going to her family reunion. I was coming to my town b/c my mom, quite estranged but not totally, wanted to put together a christmas for her kids that are in this vicinity ... she may not be here much longer and thus, I thought, it would be a good idea to be here... I asked my spouse to come, but I did not demand it. She was like sure ok.

Now she is here, she is upset not to be with her "normal" "happy" "healthy" family and instead of realizing that was her decision, she is upset and venting on me. My initial reaction is to tell her very clearly, you do not need to be here, you can go to see your family, planes are still running... don't do me any favours. I actually basically said this.

Then she reverses and gives me this crap about she can't afford to go to hers, etc., well that isn't my fault. Heck, here take some of my cash and please go, don't dump on me because you are lonely and upset not to be with your parent and siblings.

Should I be upset about this? How should I deal with this when I know she is projecting some of her own unhappiness onto me even though it isn't my fault is it?

She is upset, she has regrets, I can understand that, but why project them onto me. How should I react to this in a healthy and positive manner? Can I react to this in a healthy and positive manner?

Peace, Levi

leviathon

After writing the above last night I took the bold step of going out and gently confronting her about the things she was saying. I did not get into a name calling or nastiness bout, rather I just simply stated that I am aware you are going through x, y and z and I respect that this is difficult for you; however, for you to project that onto me and my family is not only unfair, but is very hurtful and I am asking you not to do that.

Later last night we talked for a short while and she apologized for coming down on my family, but didn't go into details of what was actually bothering her.

This morning we had a long talk, turns out while I was right about x and y, I had no idea that z was actually something quite a bit bigger and that it was really bothering her. We talked through it and she and I are in a much better place and we are both happy again.

In short, while it can be difficult for me as a child of an often violent alcoholic family to confront someone on their own issues, rather than letting myself be run over in the rush, I have confirmed yet again that I am not only very perceptive, but also that talking is much better and far more healthy than getting upset and being run over and then playing the victim.

Thanks for listening, turns out I knew what to do all along!

Peace, Levi

DesertEyes

Hey there Levi,

Glad you got things worked out Recovery must be working well for ya, thanx for sharing that with us.

Mike

leviathon

You Know Mike, mostly it is learning to trust myself. To accept that despite the bad choices I have made in the past, I am really a smart person with good reasoning skills and a good sense of what is right and wrong. Combine that with being sensitive, willing to accept responsibility for my mistakes and a willingness to be humble and I think I am on my way.

Thanks Mike, Levi

Easeful

LEvi,

I'm glad to hear that you worked through things. I had tried to post my a little of my experience but for some reason the system kept telling me I wasn't signed in. Anyway, sounds like you did what I wanted to suggest, i.e. communicate clearly, without manipulation and without aggression. For those of us affected by alcohol abuse, our own or someone elses sometimes honest communication is one of the hardest things to accomplish. Sounds like you did a great job.

leviathon

I came from a highly toxic home, my spouse doesn't drink usually and when she does it is one or two drinks. She doesn't get drunk.

I was struggling b/c I didn't know if I could trust my own intuition b/c I am often mixed up about feelings and emotions.

Seems I am getting better about it; and, there was just a quiet, non blaming conversation.

Thanks for attempting to communicate, not sure why the system wasn't working but I'll let the administrators know so they can look into it more generally.

Peace, Levi.

Candy Scratch

Oh Levi! I was holding my breath right through your first paragraph. I was so relieved to come to the second paragraph (quoted above). I hope this has given you a confidence boost in terms of who you are and in terms of your relationship. Just reading your posts on SR tells me that you are incredibly perceptive, intelligent and fair. More than fair. I'm glad to see you standing up for what you believe is right, without resorting to taunts and negativity. You did the right thing. I'm glad to see your spouse seems to have understood and I'm so glad you were able to discuss things rationally.

All the very best,
Candy Scratch

leviathon

Funny thing, we talked about this situation after the fact and we both came to some conclusions... she admitted she had said something that was incredibly harsh and didn't realize how hurtful it was and apologized... I realized I am 38 yrs old and it is time I put the past behind me and move boldly forward. That isn't to say I don't have to deal with the impact of the past on me, rather I have to deal with it WHILE moving forward.

Fortunatley, Laurel, my wonderful spouse, is able to see me and to see my past and to separate the "me" from the "my past" and we work through it!

Thanks all for listening.

Peace, Levi

BigSis

Wow, Levi... I came in here, not knowing what to expect. And I am leaving with some excellent gifts. Thank you for sharing your recovery.... it is a good model for me.

(((Levi)))