looking for advice
angiemarie
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: burt michigan
Posts: 1
looking for advice
Hi all!I'm new here and I am a 32 year old daughter of parents who are both addicted to pills.I'm not exactly sure what pills, but they have had this problem of being addicted to something for as long as I can remember.They both have smoked pot for as long as I can remember.My mom started drinking to the point of having a problem when I was a teenager and her and my dad were divorced.I went to alanon for teens at my high school which my mom thought I was doing to get out of class, because she did not have a drinking problem. As I got older she did admit that she had a problem and quit when she wanted to.Which she does now too( dad as well)They are back together!
Not with alcohol now but with prescription pills.I guess for a long time I my self was in denial. We actually have always stayed pretty close.I have 4 children now, and 3 of them are VERY close to my parents.Well my youngest is 6 mos old and he is not close with them and i'm affraid that he wont be either.You see my oldest is 13 and she was with my parents a few weeks ago and she was in the car with my mom and my mom started to fall asleep while driving, so needless to say my children were immediately not allowed over there ant more with out me. My mom was very appoligetic to me and said she was never gonna use again that she knew she had a problem and has had a problem for awhile.She says she has been to rehab a few times in the past and that she just didnt follow the steps and got back into using again.Well this woman falls asleep standing up doing things I dont know how she manages not to fall over but some how she doesnt, at least not when I'm around. Well to get back to the story she seemed to be doing very good for about a week or two then I stopped recieving the phone calls and then we went over there last night for dinner, and she was at it again.I didnt not say a word to her but she could tell something was up and of course said she hadnt done anything, and that she was just tired from not sleeping the night before.Excuse me I have a 6 month old Ive pulled plenty of all nighters and I dont fall aslepp standing up frosting a cake. My children have already seen too much! They are not safe with them anymore and They love them to death. So not only do I feel guilt for being angry with my mom and taking the only things that matter to her most away from her (besides drugs),but I also feel so bad for my children they love thier grandparents soooo much! They have always been so close to them that they wont understand why mama isnt letting them go over there any more so I look like the bad guy in thier eyes.My 13 year old understands though so that helps but the other 2 are 9 and 7.Unless I come right out and tell them about the problem they just wont get it.Oh and by the way everything I've written about my mom applies to my dad as well, except the drinking part.Sorry about how long this is and miss spelled words and im sure i got off track here and there too Im so tired but I couldnt sleep due to my mind racing about all this.Please help all advice is welcome!
Not with alcohol now but with prescription pills.I guess for a long time I my self was in denial. We actually have always stayed pretty close.I have 4 children now, and 3 of them are VERY close to my parents.Well my youngest is 6 mos old and he is not close with them and i'm affraid that he wont be either.You see my oldest is 13 and she was with my parents a few weeks ago and she was in the car with my mom and my mom started to fall asleep while driving, so needless to say my children were immediately not allowed over there ant more with out me. My mom was very appoligetic to me and said she was never gonna use again that she knew she had a problem and has had a problem for awhile.She says she has been to rehab a few times in the past and that she just didnt follow the steps and got back into using again.Well this woman falls asleep standing up doing things I dont know how she manages not to fall over but some how she doesnt, at least not when I'm around. Well to get back to the story she seemed to be doing very good for about a week or two then I stopped recieving the phone calls and then we went over there last night for dinner, and she was at it again.I didnt not say a word to her but she could tell something was up and of course said she hadnt done anything, and that she was just tired from not sleeping the night before.Excuse me I have a 6 month old Ive pulled plenty of all nighters and I dont fall aslepp standing up frosting a cake. My children have already seen too much! They are not safe with them anymore and They love them to death. So not only do I feel guilt for being angry with my mom and taking the only things that matter to her most away from her (besides drugs),but I also feel so bad for my children they love thier grandparents soooo much! They have always been so close to them that they wont understand why mama isnt letting them go over there any more so I look like the bad guy in thier eyes.My 13 year old understands though so that helps but the other 2 are 9 and 7.Unless I come right out and tell them about the problem they just wont get it.Oh and by the way everything I've written about my mom applies to my dad as well, except the drinking part.Sorry about how long this is and miss spelled words and im sure i got off track here and there too Im so tired but I couldnt sleep due to my mind racing about all this.Please help all advice is welcome!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
I haven't had my coffee yet, so please excuse me if this comes out sounding all rambly and strange.
First off: you're doing the right thing. Maybe you look like a bad guy now, but in 10 years, you will explain it to you 7 year old, and he will understand. In the meantime, you can say that "Gramma and Grampa are very sick, that's why Gramma falls asleep a lot. I need to be there to make sure that everyone is okay" This is a totally true statement, and illness is something that children understand even when they're very young.
You need to make sure your children are safe. You need to make sure you mother doesn't fall asleep and potentially seriously injure herself in front of your 7 year old, leaving them to try to figure out what to do (have you taught them to call 911?)
From what I'm understanding, you're not saying you kids can't see their grandparents at all, just that they can't be there when you're not there as a safety precaution.
As for the guilt - do you let your children ride in the car without carseats/seat belts? Do you let them run with scissors? Do you let them play with fire? No no and no, is my guess. So what makes this any different? You are protecting them from a known and proven (asleep while driving?!!) danger.
Are your kids dissappointed? You betcha. Are you going to tell them they can't do things in their childhood which they will hate you for? You betcha. Are you going to protect them from dangers anyway, even if they don't want to be protected? You betcha. So tell the guilt to take a hike, you have parenting to do (Yes, believe me, I do know that it isn't that simple).
Or, do what you know is right, sit with the guilt, acknowledge that you feel guilty to yourself, tell yourself it's okay to feel guilty, but do what you know you need to do anyway.
The last thing you want or need is for your kids to think that the behavior modelled by their grandparents is acceptable or something they should be doing.
Big pat on the back to you for recognizing what's going on, and for refusing to let it move on down to the next generation (or skip a generation).
First off: you're doing the right thing. Maybe you look like a bad guy now, but in 10 years, you will explain it to you 7 year old, and he will understand. In the meantime, you can say that "Gramma and Grampa are very sick, that's why Gramma falls asleep a lot. I need to be there to make sure that everyone is okay" This is a totally true statement, and illness is something that children understand even when they're very young.
You need to make sure your children are safe. You need to make sure you mother doesn't fall asleep and potentially seriously injure herself in front of your 7 year old, leaving them to try to figure out what to do (have you taught them to call 911?)
From what I'm understanding, you're not saying you kids can't see their grandparents at all, just that they can't be there when you're not there as a safety precaution.
As for the guilt - do you let your children ride in the car without carseats/seat belts? Do you let them run with scissors? Do you let them play with fire? No no and no, is my guess. So what makes this any different? You are protecting them from a known and proven (asleep while driving?!!) danger.
Are your kids dissappointed? You betcha. Are you going to tell them they can't do things in their childhood which they will hate you for? You betcha. Are you going to protect them from dangers anyway, even if they don't want to be protected? You betcha. So tell the guilt to take a hike, you have parenting to do (Yes, believe me, I do know that it isn't that simple).
Or, do what you know is right, sit with the guilt, acknowledge that you feel guilty to yourself, tell yourself it's okay to feel guilty, but do what you know you need to do anyway.
The last thing you want or need is for your kids to think that the behavior modelled by their grandparents is acceptable or something they should be doing.
Big pat on the back to you for recognizing what's going on, and for refusing to let it move on down to the next generation (or skip a generation).
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello lilgrooviegirl, and welcome to SoberRecovery.
I'm sorry to hear that your parents are having such problems with addictions. I'm really glad that you are taking action to protect your children from the danger of being left alone with them. I think you're right that the younger ones won't understand the reasons why, but when they grow up and see their first drunk driving accident in real life they will understand.
As far as advice I would suggest that you educate yourself about addiction in general. A great place to start is the sticky posts in this forum and in the other "Friends and Family" forums here on Sober Recovery. You can also find loads of great books and warm, caring people at meetings of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon. The meetings can be found here
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
There is also a program called Al-Ateen which is designed to educate teens and kids. You might want to check them out for your little ones.
I wish that when I was a child there had been some relative who had half as much courage and concern for my safety as you have had for your children. It would have saved me a great deal of pain and misery.
Welcome again.
Mike
I'm sorry to hear that your parents are having such problems with addictions. I'm really glad that you are taking action to protect your children from the danger of being left alone with them. I think you're right that the younger ones won't understand the reasons why, but when they grow up and see their first drunk driving accident in real life they will understand.
As far as advice I would suggest that you educate yourself about addiction in general. A great place to start is the sticky posts in this forum and in the other "Friends and Family" forums here on Sober Recovery. You can also find loads of great books and warm, caring people at meetings of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon. The meetings can be found here
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
There is also a program called Al-Ateen which is designed to educate teens and kids. You might want to check them out for your little ones.
I wish that when I was a child there had been some relative who had half as much courage and concern for my safety as you have had for your children. It would have saved me a great deal of pain and misery.
Welcome again.
Mike
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 1
I am new to all of this...just been here 1 day and am completely amazed by how you all have managed to know everything about me.
I don't want to steal this thread on you but I too have been dealing with a similar issue except that it has come to roast earlier on in my children's life. My mother (grandmother to my two children) has been an alcoholic and pill popper for my entire life. And my father wears the codependent role like a cloak only he cannot see.
I have only become to realize the amount of anger, denial, guilt etc. that I am trying to deal with. She too has been in an inebriated state while watching the oldest grandchild. Fortunately, it was caught before anyone left the house. But I am still trying to deal with the anger I feel to this day. She has also been trusted to watch other children and found to be in an altered state (pills as well)
I have just recently told her that I cannot accept her actions of continuously regressing and going through the treatment loop....rehab, good for 6 months, slip for 6 months...back to rehab. I have finally begun to set the boundaries that I need. I have told them that I need a little time before I will allow them into my family's life. I need time to set appropriate boundaries. I am getting push back from every member of my family - Mom, Dad, sister...even their pets. The only support I have is that of my fantastic wife. I am getting the constant push to allow them to see Grandma and Grandpa for at least one hour Christmas day...it is eating me alive inside, but I need to hold to my boundaries.
Please keep in mind, I am new and still trying to figure my way through the woods but it sounds to me like you are doing the right thing.
First and foremost, they are YOUR children. They are not theirs. Mine are too young to understand why the things are going on so it is a little easier on me. Your children appear to me to be old enough to trust you and have some form of understanding. In time they will understand and appreciate what you have done. I would "assume" your childhood would have been similar to mine...and would not want your kids to experience it as well.
I think no matter how you are feeling you are being a great parent for your children and that is most important thing.
So if you feel you are alone, there are others out there battling the same struggles and hoping to find the strength to continue. Strength in numbers...
I don't want to steal this thread on you but I too have been dealing with a similar issue except that it has come to roast earlier on in my children's life. My mother (grandmother to my two children) has been an alcoholic and pill popper for my entire life. And my father wears the codependent role like a cloak only he cannot see.
I have only become to realize the amount of anger, denial, guilt etc. that I am trying to deal with. She too has been in an inebriated state while watching the oldest grandchild. Fortunately, it was caught before anyone left the house. But I am still trying to deal with the anger I feel to this day. She has also been trusted to watch other children and found to be in an altered state (pills as well)
I have just recently told her that I cannot accept her actions of continuously regressing and going through the treatment loop....rehab, good for 6 months, slip for 6 months...back to rehab. I have finally begun to set the boundaries that I need. I have told them that I need a little time before I will allow them into my family's life. I need time to set appropriate boundaries. I am getting push back from every member of my family - Mom, Dad, sister...even their pets. The only support I have is that of my fantastic wife. I am getting the constant push to allow them to see Grandma and Grandpa for at least one hour Christmas day...it is eating me alive inside, but I need to hold to my boundaries.
Please keep in mind, I am new and still trying to figure my way through the woods but it sounds to me like you are doing the right thing.
First and foremost, they are YOUR children. They are not theirs. Mine are too young to understand why the things are going on so it is a little easier on me. Your children appear to me to be old enough to trust you and have some form of understanding. In time they will understand and appreciate what you have done. I would "assume" your childhood would have been similar to mine...and would not want your kids to experience it as well.
I think no matter how you are feeling you are being a great parent for your children and that is most important thing.
So if you feel you are alone, there are others out there battling the same struggles and hoping to find the strength to continue. Strength in numbers...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello kwaugh, and welcome to our little corner of recovery. I'm glad to hear that you are making progress in dealing with you Mom. Feel free to start a new thread just to say hello and introduce yourself, that will give everybody else a chance to give you a proper welcome.
Glad you joined us.
Mike
Glad you joined us.
Mike
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