Hello Everyone! (I could use an opinion or 2!!)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: A little town in NY
Posts: 4
Hello Everyone! (I could use an opinion or 2!!)
Hello everyone! I stumbled onto this website and was thrilled to see so many people feeling close to the same way as I do. I am very new to anything like this so I guess I'll tell you a little about me, actually a lot about me. I am 37 years old. Married for 17 to the most wonderful man. (High school sweetheart!) We have 3 children which are my driving force in life.
I was born and raised into an alcoholic household. Both parents are alcoholics. Double whammy I guess you could say! I am glad to say I only suffered minor problems. Alright there is probably more there then I am willing to admit, but low self-esteem seems to be the biggest one. My children and husband have made me see somewhat differently. I have such a healthy relationship with them. I find it strange that I can be in a healthy relationship with them but yet with my parents I cannot.
I am the youngest of 3 daughters. The oldest is the perfectionist, the middle is the caretaker, and I was always the entertainer. My middle sister no longer speaks to anyone except me. She seems to have suffered the most. My older sister speaks to my parents and goes around to see them. I am the most loyal to my parents. That is a really BIG problem I have. I would stand up for them in the blink of an eye. Sometimes this loyalty is deserved. I really think the our relationship goes smoothly because I do everything they want. For example I have had my parents (who live out of town) into my house for Christmas for the past 14 years. It ends up being like 9 nights. Anyhow I have always wanted a Christmas morning alone with my husband and children. But I just don't know how to ask for it. I never ask for anything really. So I thought I would do this in steps. I decided to first tell them they couldn't arrive till Christmas eve. That didn't go over very well. No unkind words were spoken (Mom is real good at that) but she had to go and couldn't talk to me for a couple of days.
So Thanksgiving approached and my oldest sister and me have always called them. They stay home for Thanksgiving and have drinker friends over for dinner. My sister & I tried to call my parents and the phone was busy at first. So we waited and tried again. The phone rang and rang. Like a bunch of idiots we tried this for a couple times during the day. I know for a fact they were home. My mother has a bad habit of turning their phone off. I was irritated by the fact that they wouldn't want to talk to their own daughters on Thanksgiving. I mean we did last and the years before that! The biggest kicker is on the inside I feel I am wrong to want a Christmas alone with my husband and children! I just don't even know how to tell them that's how I feel. I would really appreciate other opinions on this. Thanks so much!
I was born and raised into an alcoholic household. Both parents are alcoholics. Double whammy I guess you could say! I am glad to say I only suffered minor problems. Alright there is probably more there then I am willing to admit, but low self-esteem seems to be the biggest one. My children and husband have made me see somewhat differently. I have such a healthy relationship with them. I find it strange that I can be in a healthy relationship with them but yet with my parents I cannot.
I am the youngest of 3 daughters. The oldest is the perfectionist, the middle is the caretaker, and I was always the entertainer. My middle sister no longer speaks to anyone except me. She seems to have suffered the most. My older sister speaks to my parents and goes around to see them. I am the most loyal to my parents. That is a really BIG problem I have. I would stand up for them in the blink of an eye. Sometimes this loyalty is deserved. I really think the our relationship goes smoothly because I do everything they want. For example I have had my parents (who live out of town) into my house for Christmas for the past 14 years. It ends up being like 9 nights. Anyhow I have always wanted a Christmas morning alone with my husband and children. But I just don't know how to ask for it. I never ask for anything really. So I thought I would do this in steps. I decided to first tell them they couldn't arrive till Christmas eve. That didn't go over very well. No unkind words were spoken (Mom is real good at that) but she had to go and couldn't talk to me for a couple of days.
So Thanksgiving approached and my oldest sister and me have always called them. They stay home for Thanksgiving and have drinker friends over for dinner. My sister & I tried to call my parents and the phone was busy at first. So we waited and tried again. The phone rang and rang. Like a bunch of idiots we tried this for a couple times during the day. I know for a fact they were home. My mother has a bad habit of turning their phone off. I was irritated by the fact that they wouldn't want to talk to their own daughters on Thanksgiving. I mean we did last and the years before that! The biggest kicker is on the inside I feel I am wrong to want a Christmas alone with my husband and children! I just don't even know how to tell them that's how I feel. I would really appreciate other opinions on this. Thanks so much!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome... we are glad you found us...
When my ex-husband and I decided to spend a holiday alone instead of doing one of the families house we got alot of flack as well....At the time I wish I would have gotten the slient treatment *lol*.
In time they got over it and we did every other year alone. Sometimes the way I would approach the situation could change the attitudes. I just explained that our marriage needed to that time and that I needed to start creating my own traditions...
Like I said it took awhile, but they got use to it.... Kill them with kindness and its my opinion you dont have anything to feel guilty about.
When my ex-husband and I decided to spend a holiday alone instead of doing one of the families house we got alot of flack as well....At the time I wish I would have gotten the slient treatment *lol*.
In time they got over it and we did every other year alone. Sometimes the way I would approach the situation could change the attitudes. I just explained that our marriage needed to that time and that I needed to start creating my own traditions...
Like I said it took awhile, but they got use to it.... Kill them with kindness and its my opinion you dont have anything to feel guilty about.
In Recovery
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 259
Hi Kimarc,
(TGI says to self: Ooh! Someone asking for opinions? Hot Dog!!--darn, no smilies)
I tried something similar to that at Easter. I decided I didn't want to go, and that was that. So, I called my mother and told her that I wouldn't be in attendance, and she said, "Oh...okay..." (trying to be guilt-inducing).
I had a nice day all alone...I like my alone time (probably too much, as I always want more of it).
Like Cynay said, you don't have to make it confrontational, but just say (without using the word 'you' or any words describing an emotion) that you and your husband have to decided to spend Christmas morning alone this year, and you'll be looking forwarded to seeing them on (date) at (time).
If she starts to give you guff, you can say that you have some more people to call and "Well, we'll see you then!" in a pleasant voice. She will probably be stunned, but eventually will learn.
(BTW, please don't waste any mental time or space thinking of them on Christmas...enjoy your family)
Let us know how it goes, k?
PS - How would you have really felt had you gotten through to a couple of drunks on Thanksgiving? How would she/they have spoken to you? (blessing in disguise?)
(TGI says to self: Ooh! Someone asking for opinions? Hot Dog!!--darn, no smilies)
I tried something similar to that at Easter. I decided I didn't want to go, and that was that. So, I called my mother and told her that I wouldn't be in attendance, and she said, "Oh...okay..." (trying to be guilt-inducing).
I had a nice day all alone...I like my alone time (probably too much, as I always want more of it).
Like Cynay said, you don't have to make it confrontational, but just say (without using the word 'you' or any words describing an emotion) that you and your husband have to decided to spend Christmas morning alone this year, and you'll be looking forwarded to seeing them on (date) at (time).
If she starts to give you guff, you can say that you have some more people to call and "Well, we'll see you then!" in a pleasant voice. She will probably be stunned, but eventually will learn.
(BTW, please don't waste any mental time or space thinking of them on Christmas...enjoy your family)
Let us know how it goes, k?
PS - How would you have really felt had you gotten through to a couple of drunks on Thanksgiving? How would she/they have spoken to you? (blessing in disguise?)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: A little town in NY
Posts: 4
Thanks so much for your opinions. You both made it seem easier then I think it is. Now I just need to get the guts to do it! "Kill with kindness" there's something I have done in the past but really didn't of it for this one!
I enjoyed the comment about how I would feel if I did get a hold of 2 drunks on Thanksgiving. Actually though with company drunk Mom will say things like I love you & I miss you. She's a real "for show" kind a woman.
It was nice to hear 2 ideas about how to confront them. For some strange reason when I try to talk to them I feel like I'm all about 5 years old. Weird?!!
Thanks again!
I enjoyed the comment about how I would feel if I did get a hold of 2 drunks on Thanksgiving. Actually though with company drunk Mom will say things like I love you & I miss you. She's a real "for show" kind a woman.
It was nice to hear 2 ideas about how to confront them. For some strange reason when I try to talk to them I feel like I'm all about 5 years old. Weird?!!
Thanks again!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Nearby
Posts: 231
I can see myself in your post.
I've tried several things through the years, none of which satisfied me completely. This year I will be sending my 80 year old father a newsy, upbeat letter. I will not call, I will not visit. But more importantly I will not be manipulated or abused.
It's hard, I have the image of my Dad sitting alone in the dark and feeling abandonned while I "get on with my life." But I've come to realize that's just my projection of how I would feel if I were him. I'm not him.
I "know" he'll be on the phone with everyone in the county telling them what a hurtful, ungrateful child I am. But I also "know" that if I did make the effort and expose myself to his abuse he wouldn't enjoy seeing me. He would enjoy having the neighbors see his dutiful child doing what dutiful children do. That's just not enough to make it worth the risk.
Oh, one more thing. It's a cop out because it doesn't honor my right to make my own decisions and live my own life but I found over the years that the easiest way to get more space was to change the routine. i.e. instead of having Mom expect to be at my house on Christmas a.m., I announced a month or so beforehand that we'd be going to __________ for the holidays and that I wanted to make sure she had time to make other plans. Not perfect, but for me I couldn't come up with a way to break the pattern otherwise.
ps. I'm making the "sticky" on guilt mandatory reading once a week from now until Jan. 2. Good luck.
I've tried several things through the years, none of which satisfied me completely. This year I will be sending my 80 year old father a newsy, upbeat letter. I will not call, I will not visit. But more importantly I will not be manipulated or abused.
It's hard, I have the image of my Dad sitting alone in the dark and feeling abandonned while I "get on with my life." But I've come to realize that's just my projection of how I would feel if I were him. I'm not him.
I "know" he'll be on the phone with everyone in the county telling them what a hurtful, ungrateful child I am. But I also "know" that if I did make the effort and expose myself to his abuse he wouldn't enjoy seeing me. He would enjoy having the neighbors see his dutiful child doing what dutiful children do. That's just not enough to make it worth the risk.
Oh, one more thing. It's a cop out because it doesn't honor my right to make my own decisions and live my own life but I found over the years that the easiest way to get more space was to change the routine. i.e. instead of having Mom expect to be at my house on Christmas a.m., I announced a month or so beforehand that we'd be going to __________ for the holidays and that I wanted to make sure she had time to make other plans. Not perfect, but for me I couldn't come up with a way to break the pattern otherwise.
ps. I'm making the "sticky" on guilt mandatory reading once a week from now until Jan. 2. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
A trick one of my therapists taught me in situations like this:
If they start to argue, simply (and in the same non-confrontational tone) repeat what you said. I'll roleplay a bit:
You: Husband and I have decided we're going to stay home Christmas morning and spend it with the kids here at our house.
Mom: But you always come here, it won't be the same [guilt guilt guilt]
You: I understand this is out of the historical routine, however, Husband and I have decided we're going to stay home Christmas morning and spend it with the kids here at our house.
Mom: You know it just won't be the same without you. [guilt guilt guilt]
You: I understand this is out of the historical routine, however, Husband and I have decided we're going to stay home Christmas morning and spend it with the kids here at our house.
Mom: But how could you do this to us, isn't our house good enough anymore?
You: I understand this is out of the historical routine, however, Husband and I have decided we're going to stay home Christmas morning and spend it with the kids here at our house.
The key to this technique is that you say exactly the same words in exactly the same tone of voice. Write them down before you call her if you have to. The general format is "I understand that ______, however, I am going to do ______" You want to let the person know that you heard them, but no matter what they say it's not going to change your answer.
You can't have an argument if only one person is arguing (as said by my counsellor).
This technique worked absolute wonders for me with everyone from my parents to my coworkers to my husband. Since it's kind of 'canned', it makes defending boundaries so much easier. You don't have to come up with a counter-argument to their invasion of your boundaries. You just state the boundary over and over again. My experience is that most people don't go past 3 repetitions, and only the very thick headed go past 5.
If they start to argue, simply (and in the same non-confrontational tone) repeat what you said. I'll roleplay a bit:
You: Husband and I have decided we're going to stay home Christmas morning and spend it with the kids here at our house.
Mom: But you always come here, it won't be the same [guilt guilt guilt]
You: I understand this is out of the historical routine, however, Husband and I have decided we're going to stay home Christmas morning and spend it with the kids here at our house.
Mom: You know it just won't be the same without you. [guilt guilt guilt]
You: I understand this is out of the historical routine, however, Husband and I have decided we're going to stay home Christmas morning and spend it with the kids here at our house.
Mom: But how could you do this to us, isn't our house good enough anymore?
You: I understand this is out of the historical routine, however, Husband and I have decided we're going to stay home Christmas morning and spend it with the kids here at our house.
The key to this technique is that you say exactly the same words in exactly the same tone of voice. Write them down before you call her if you have to. The general format is "I understand that ______, however, I am going to do ______" You want to let the person know that you heard them, but no matter what they say it's not going to change your answer.
You can't have an argument if only one person is arguing (as said by my counsellor).
This technique worked absolute wonders for me with everyone from my parents to my coworkers to my husband. Since it's kind of 'canned', it makes defending boundaries so much easier. You don't have to come up with a counter-argument to their invasion of your boundaries. You just state the boundary over and over again. My experience is that most people don't go past 3 repetitions, and only the very thick headed go past 5.
Im not crazy and neither am I
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: My place in (M)Assachusetts
Posts: 2,088
try putting in I feel like this when this happens then it isnt confrontational
there should be alot of ifo on effective communication here or on the web
Im working on trying to be with my family rather than alone and or in the hospital this year
good luck
I hope you have a peaceful and wonderful holiday !
frstnm
there should be alot of ifo on effective communication here or on the web
Im working on trying to be with my family rather than alone and or in the hospital this year
good luck
I hope you have a peaceful and wonderful holiday !
frstnm
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: A little town in NY
Posts: 4
Thanks so much for all of the advice. After serveral attempts I finally confronted my parents. I am getting what I want, finally!!! Of course they are punishing me but that's fine. I can deal with that!
This may be dumb but I never knew asking for something for myself could make me so proud! I haven't been this excited about Christmas for several years!! I feel like a kid again!
Thanks again to everyone! Your thoughts gave me a different way at looking at things. I appreciate it! Happy Holidays!
This may be dumb but I never knew asking for something for myself could make me so proud! I haven't been this excited about Christmas for several years!! I feel like a kid again!
Thanks again to everyone! Your thoughts gave me a different way at looking at things. I appreciate it! Happy Holidays!
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