Alone for the holidays.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Aurora, Colorado
Posts: 37
Alone for the holidays.
Anyone else feeling the sting of being alone and dissconnected from your family on the holidays? I am very lucky to have some great friends to spend them with and to listen to my woes, but it still hurts a little to constantly see the stupid commercials on tv with the big families spread around the Christmas tree.
I have cut off contact from my family members who were the most damaging to me for the past 5 months, and I can honestly say that my emotional well being has improved tremendously. I have stayed away from alcohol for the most part (I was finding myself slipping into alcoholism to deal with stress a few months ago) and my self esteem is getting better every day. I just wish I still didn't feel a little bit empty.
Thanks for listening
I have cut off contact from my family members who were the most damaging to me for the past 5 months, and I can honestly say that my emotional well being has improved tremendously. I have stayed away from alcohol for the most part (I was finding myself slipping into alcoholism to deal with stress a few months ago) and my self esteem is getting better every day. I just wish I still didn't feel a little bit empty.
Thanks for listening
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,035
One of my greatest fears when I walked into AA was the holidays, especially if I'd be separated from my children. Those fears went away so quickly my first year in the program, and that empty feeling has never returned at the holidays.
The Fellowship hall where I attend meetings throws huge feasts at Thanksgiving & Christmas, and they also have a big New Years Eve party and dance. My children come with me and have a great time, and when I take them home to my ex I return to the hall and keep my brain busy with service work. I'm surrounded by more friends than I ever dreamed of having. My immediate family usually does their own thing but I do make a point of inviting them to the hall. To be honest, I'd rather be there with people like myself than anywhere else. AA has become a new way of life for me, and I'm loving every minute of it.
The Fellowship hall where I attend meetings throws huge feasts at Thanksgiving & Christmas, and they also have a big New Years Eve party and dance. My children come with me and have a great time, and when I take them home to my ex I return to the hall and keep my brain busy with service work. I'm surrounded by more friends than I ever dreamed of having. My immediate family usually does their own thing but I do make a point of inviting them to the hall. To be honest, I'd rather be there with people like myself than anywhere else. AA has become a new way of life for me, and I'm loving every minute of it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Somwhere over the rainbow
Posts: 1,175
Gemini, I can totally relate.
I left home at 13/14 (can't recall which as it has been 20 yrs). I recall what it was like to spend Xmas and birthdays and other holidays alone. Friends often would invite me over and I actually got to the point where I didn't want to go b/c I felt like an outsider anyway. I always did go b/c it is better not to be alone.
Now I am fortunate that i have a spouse that I will be spending the rest of my life's holidays with. That is very wonderful.
I do know that the loneliness can be overwhelming at times, but the reality is that I know I was better off alone than with those people I call "family". I also established a healthy relationship with my older brother and his family and that has been a God send. I get to be part of their family and to share the holidays and it is wonderful.
In the past few months my mom has decided to be "mom" again, and I am struggling a bit with that. Don't get me wrong, after I moved out she always stayed in touch and sent bday cards and xmas cards, but she was a disembodied voice on the telephone. In the past year she has moved to the town where my brother and I live and I find that I struggle with her. I am not ready to accept "I love you" or hugs or kisses from her. She wouldn't do those things when we were kids and really needed them, why now?
I know the answer is that she is much healthier now, but I do struggle with it, incredibly so, at times.
Peace Levi
I left home at 13/14 (can't recall which as it has been 20 yrs). I recall what it was like to spend Xmas and birthdays and other holidays alone. Friends often would invite me over and I actually got to the point where I didn't want to go b/c I felt like an outsider anyway. I always did go b/c it is better not to be alone.
Now I am fortunate that i have a spouse that I will be spending the rest of my life's holidays with. That is very wonderful.
I do know that the loneliness can be overwhelming at times, but the reality is that I know I was better off alone than with those people I call "family". I also established a healthy relationship with my older brother and his family and that has been a God send. I get to be part of their family and to share the holidays and it is wonderful.
In the past few months my mom has decided to be "mom" again, and I am struggling a bit with that. Don't get me wrong, after I moved out she always stayed in touch and sent bday cards and xmas cards, but she was a disembodied voice on the telephone. In the past year she has moved to the town where my brother and I live and I find that I struggle with her. I am not ready to accept "I love you" or hugs or kisses from her. She wouldn't do those things when we were kids and really needed them, why now?
I know the answer is that she is much healthier now, but I do struggle with it, incredibly so, at times.
Peace Levi
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Hi there.... Im on the flip side of Levi...
Yes I have felt the sting of being alone for the holidays very much. Usually my daughter will go and spend the holiday with her fathers family.... have the big celebration thing and because I moved her down here and did not know anyone I would stay at home alone. At first it was really hard to do, today I make sure to keep busy with either friends or something....
My daughter has decided that she can not live with me now and though I left a VM for her we did not talk on Thanksgiving. This one cut like a knife... I did have a lovely holiday but there is still that huge open wound. She has informed me that on Christmas day she will come to my home last after seeing the rest of her family, she said she would spend the rest of her time with me... *sighs* and then asked if from there I could take her to the airport. She is going to visit her Father..... I have to be really careful not to become very angry with her.
Hopefully one day we will have a real relationship again, I hope so....
Yes I have felt the sting of being alone for the holidays very much. Usually my daughter will go and spend the holiday with her fathers family.... have the big celebration thing and because I moved her down here and did not know anyone I would stay at home alone. At first it was really hard to do, today I make sure to keep busy with either friends or something....
My daughter has decided that she can not live with me now and though I left a VM for her we did not talk on Thanksgiving. This one cut like a knife... I did have a lovely holiday but there is still that huge open wound. She has informed me that on Christmas day she will come to my home last after seeing the rest of her family, she said she would spend the rest of her time with me... *sighs* and then asked if from there I could take her to the airport. She is going to visit her Father..... I have to be really careful not to become very angry with her.
Hopefully one day we will have a real relationship again, I hope so....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: WA Rainforest
Posts: 209
Long ago I chose to spend my holidays alone. My married friends actually envy me. I do no shopping, no decorating, no hostessing, no visiting. My family of origin is completely poisonous and all have been cut out of my life for years. It did hurt at first but I'm much better now. I used to spend my holidays with spouse's family but I've been divorced for two years now and no way I'd want to spend any time with any of those codies and enablers.
Of course I don't have a tv so I'm not being bombarded with the propaganda focusing on spending time with biological relatives and buying them unneeded, probably unwanted gifts to prop up the economy. The whole xmas thing has become totally dysfunctional and I have opted out of it. Material things won't make anyone truly happy, it's just another addiction.
This Tday I spent at a restaurant with other ACOAs and it was great. A big step for me! I had to force myself to go. What if I can't find them? what if I don't know anyone there? What if I don't like them/they don't like me? But I went, and had a blast. Xmas I will spend quietly at home with my dogs and my stereo and my books and my writing while my married friends are struggling with winter driving conditions as they visit elderly relatives and make small talk with cousins they hardly know and exchange gifts bought under coersion. I may take the dogs hiking, depending on the weather. I may go to an Alanon or ACOA function. I would recommend you consider doing the same. Or go to a Xmas church service if you're a church goer. I loved midnight mass when I was a child but I don't do that anymore.
Of course I don't have a tv so I'm not being bombarded with the propaganda focusing on spending time with biological relatives and buying them unneeded, probably unwanted gifts to prop up the economy. The whole xmas thing has become totally dysfunctional and I have opted out of it. Material things won't make anyone truly happy, it's just another addiction.
This Tday I spent at a restaurant with other ACOAs and it was great. A big step for me! I had to force myself to go. What if I can't find them? what if I don't know anyone there? What if I don't like them/they don't like me? But I went, and had a blast. Xmas I will spend quietly at home with my dogs and my stereo and my books and my writing while my married friends are struggling with winter driving conditions as they visit elderly relatives and make small talk with cousins they hardly know and exchange gifts bought under coersion. I may take the dogs hiking, depending on the weather. I may go to an Alanon or ACOA function. I would recommend you consider doing the same. Or go to a Xmas church service if you're a church goer. I loved midnight mass when I was a child but I don't do that anymore.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
This year my parents will be out of town for Christmas, and I'm relieved by it.
The first year I spent Christmas completely alone was really horrible. I found over time that I came to enjoy going to friends' houses instead - as soon as the family squabbling started, I could make a flimsy excuse and leave. My stress levels dropped considerably.
It was pretty awful the first few times, until I figured out how I could make it enjoyable again.
The first year I spent Christmas completely alone was really horrible. I found over time that I came to enjoy going to friends' houses instead - as soon as the family squabbling started, I could make a flimsy excuse and leave. My stress levels dropped considerably.
It was pretty awful the first few times, until I figured out how I could make it enjoyable again.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
