Gray_Eyes

This is my first time at this forum. I guess I just need to let out some of what I've kept bottled inside for years. Sorry if this is long. I don't really know where to begin. Nobody knows the things I've dealt with growing up. Both of my parents were addicts. My parents met on a methadone program and usually kept clean until I was around 10. Then my dad starting using again, I guess to escape whatever problems he was having with his health and his life in general. I always knew what was going on. My dad started using coke and I think heroin. He'd act like different people on different days. When my mom told him she was going to leave him for good he committed suicide. My mom just couldn't deal with it and the next four years things got progressively worse. She started taking pills and was in a stupor half the time. I remember having to pour water on her to wake her up when she passed out on the floor. She'd be out on public walking around in a stupor. She got into car accidents. We were reported to child welfare several times but even that didn't make her stop. I did my best to cover up what was happenning and lied to protect her. I thought what I was doing was for the best. She'd put guilt trips on me and make me steal for her and stuff. I'd wake up every night and lead her back to bed when she was walking around in a stupor. She constantly threaten to kill herself. One time I actually had to pull her in from the window when she was about to jump. Then she started using crack. She told me she had to. At first it wasn't in the open, then she just used in front of me and my little brother. Still I always lied for her and covered everything up. I don't know how I could be such an idiot to actually think what I was doing was right, instead of making her get help. I guess part of me just wanted to live in my own little world and do whatever I wanted. I tied my best to take care of my little brother but I ended up taking out all my anger on him. Finally my mother got arrested and I ended up in foster care. She promised she was going to get help and take us back and things would be fine. Once she got out of jail she ran right back to the crack houses. She overdosed on crack almost as soon as she got out. They threw her body out into the street where it wasn't found for days. Although her funeral was closed casket, afterwards they opened it for me, just so I could make sure it was really her. I could tell it was her even though it hardly looked like her.
For awhile I consciously blocked out the memories of what it was like living with her when she was using. I see now how wrong I was to lie for her and cover everything up. I should have made her get help, but of course what's done is done. It's been almost 17 years since she died and I only realized recently just how deeply what I went through affected me. I've never used drugs (aside from occasional pot in college) and hardly ever drink. For the most part I just feel nothing. My life seems to have gone nowhere in years. I wonder how much of it is because of what I went through as a kid and how much is just my own personality problems. I know it still haunts me because I still have nightmares about it. I can't seem to form any close relationships or friendships. The few friends I have aren't very close. I keep people at arms length. Nobody knows the things I went through when I was growing up. I honestly don't think I'm capable of telling anyone right now. My life is pretty empty, lonely and meaningless right now. I don't know what kind of help I need, if any.
I guess I just needed to get some of this out. Thanks for listening and sorry it was so long.

DesertEyes

Hello Gray Eyes, and welcome to SoberRecovery,

Thank you for sharing a little bit about your history. It sounds like you have done real well with your life and have overcome much of the chalenges of your parents addictions. I think it's awesome that you have not followed the "chain" and become an addict yourself.

If I may suggest that you read thru the "sticky" posts at the top of this forum. There's a lot of great information there. You'll find that the folks in this forum have very varied backgrounds, very different histories, but we all share much of the same feelings. My history is different from yours, but the "emotional baggage" that was forced upon me by my alcoholic parents is not much different from what you described.

What helped me the mosts was attending meetings of Adult Children of Alcoholics and a few good therapists. In many places those meetings have joined up with Al-Anon, such as here in Las Vegas where I live. There are also a _lot_ of good books down at your local bookstore. I love the books from Claudia Black.

I also struggled with separating my "baggage" from my own emotional problems. As I worked thru my "stuff" in the program and with therapies I discovered that the huge majority of my issues were just old emotional reflexes I picked up living in my "toxic family". Starting out my recovery took a lot of work, but once I got the hang of it I found it easier and easier. I'm a slow learner so it took me a few years, but now I have a life that is happy, joyous and free.

With the holidays it's kinda quiet around here, so please be patient and give the rest of the gang a few days to come by and post their responses to you. In the meantime feel free to browse back thru the posts and see what you can find useful for you.

Welcome again.

Mike

Latte

What a wonderful story you just shared. I know you don't think it's wonderful because you lived it, but you are telling it from the other side.

Please know that people are listening and that there is support here.

TheGirlInside

Hey Grey Eyes,

Thanks for sharing your story. You've taken a huge step forward in life, just by being able to admit to yourself and to us that your life just isn't working that way you'd like it to.

There were a couple phrases from your post that stood out for me:

"...how I could be such an idiot..." (how easy is it for us to shame ourselves)
You were not and are not an idiot. You were a child/teen struggling with issues that were too large for anyone of that age to be able to handle. Like trying to lift up a house, while someone stands there screaming at you that you're just being lazy, or are worthless, because you can't get your fingers under that foundation and carry that huge weight.

"I should have..." (mine was always, "If he/she/it/they/God would just...")
You did the best you could do. There was not one more thing or different thing that you could have done to change your parents' addictions or their own self-hatred. Those were all happening inside of them. It's unfortunate that it spilled out over onto a couple of innocent children.

I can also relate to your feelings of numbness emotionally--I married a man I knew I didn't love, just for the sake of having a "normal" life...kids, married, a mini-van, white picket fence, you know that old Illusion. And now I'm working on ending that marriage...but had to endure and work through a lot of shame and guilt, which still surfaces at times.

Thank you for stopping by. Please share again sometime.


PS - Run, Mike, RUN!! Here come the muskets!!

Gray_Eyes

I thank you all for the responses and the welcome. I will certainly listen to what everyone has to say and hopefully be able to share some more soon.