I'm scared
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
I'm scared
My dad has been an alcoholic for years, his drinking is the reason my mom left him, with two young kids in a large Caliefornia city where she didn't know a soul. He didn't help us, he was too busy chasing skirts and drinking. I remember the drunken phone calls, calling me his baby and telling me he loved me. I never heard that when he was sober.
I saw him intermittantly over the years, he always had that arrogant, better than thou attitude that A's seem to have. He hurt my mom so much. I have always had a great amount of resentment for him over that.
My sister went down the alcohol/drug path and has finally gotton sober, she is able to deal with our dad, much better than I can.
I grew up, married the 1st guy that came around ending up divorcing him 16 yrs later. I met my current husband 7 years ago. He is now a recovered alcoholic now, after we seperated over his addiction. I got into alanon at that time, I had hit my bottom, and although I don't attend the meetings every week I do my readings and read and post here.
My dad is now retired, he lives in a shabby trailer with a former bar floozy. He was diagnosed with throat cancer about a year ago, had radiation treatments and now his current scan is showing another lesion has developed. He has since stopped smoking and quit drinking. They are talking about removing his voicebox and giving him a tracheostomy. It's an aggressive cancer.
He tries to call me, I have been to see him once. My sister has been the one to take him to the city to have his scans and see the doctor. I take care of our mom, she just had a partial mastectomy for breast cancer and appears to be in a full remission.
I know I should be helping my sister, that I should be more in contact with our dad as he may be nearing the end of his life.
I hurt so bad, all the past comes flooding back, the old angers, the hurt and I just want to hide away from him.
I am having a really hard time with this, I just don't know what to do.
Thanks for listening,
Teggie
I saw him intermittantly over the years, he always had that arrogant, better than thou attitude that A's seem to have. He hurt my mom so much. I have always had a great amount of resentment for him over that.
My sister went down the alcohol/drug path and has finally gotton sober, she is able to deal with our dad, much better than I can.
I grew up, married the 1st guy that came around ending up divorcing him 16 yrs later. I met my current husband 7 years ago. He is now a recovered alcoholic now, after we seperated over his addiction. I got into alanon at that time, I had hit my bottom, and although I don't attend the meetings every week I do my readings and read and post here.
My dad is now retired, he lives in a shabby trailer with a former bar floozy. He was diagnosed with throat cancer about a year ago, had radiation treatments and now his current scan is showing another lesion has developed. He has since stopped smoking and quit drinking. They are talking about removing his voicebox and giving him a tracheostomy. It's an aggressive cancer.
He tries to call me, I have been to see him once. My sister has been the one to take him to the city to have his scans and see the doctor. I take care of our mom, she just had a partial mastectomy for breast cancer and appears to be in a full remission.
I know I should be helping my sister, that I should be more in contact with our dad as he may be nearing the end of his life.
I hurt so bad, all the past comes flooding back, the old angers, the hurt and I just want to hide away from him.
I am having a really hard time with this, I just don't know what to do.
Thanks for listening,
Teggie
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hey there Teggie,
Glad you decided to join us here in our little corner of recovery. I'm sorry you are going thru so much emotions with your parents. My father had a variety of health problems from his alcoholism and eventually died from heart disease. I understand a little of how you feel, as I felt plenty of emotions during his disease.
In ACoA I have learned that I don't have to live my life with any "shoulds". I learned a lot of "shoulds" from my "toxic family" and most of them were un-healthy. I did not _have_ to help my alcoholic father with his health problems if I chose not to. My biological parents were the biological accident of my birth, and did not _earn_ my love or devotion in the way that healthy parents do.
I have found that there are many people in the world who are kind, caring and compassionate and those are the ones who _have_ earned my love. These are the people I _choose_ to have in my life, the ones I have "adopted" as my "family of choice". These healthy people are the ones whom I choose to care for and help out when they need it. One of them is my 93yr old stepmom, another is my 72yr old sponsor.
You might want to check out a few more meetings of al-anon to help you deal with all these emotions. I found them to be very helpful when I'm in the midst of an emotional "soup".
Mike
Glad you decided to join us here in our little corner of recovery. I'm sorry you are going thru so much emotions with your parents. My father had a variety of health problems from his alcoholism and eventually died from heart disease. I understand a little of how you feel, as I felt plenty of emotions during his disease.
In ACoA I have learned that I don't have to live my life with any "shoulds". I learned a lot of "shoulds" from my "toxic family" and most of them were un-healthy. I did not _have_ to help my alcoholic father with his health problems if I chose not to. My biological parents were the biological accident of my birth, and did not _earn_ my love or devotion in the way that healthy parents do.
I have found that there are many people in the world who are kind, caring and compassionate and those are the ones who _have_ earned my love. These are the people I _choose_ to have in my life, the ones I have "adopted" as my "family of choice". These healthy people are the ones whom I choose to care for and help out when they need it. One of them is my 93yr old stepmom, another is my 72yr old sponsor.
You might want to check out a few more meetings of al-anon to help you deal with all these emotions. I found them to be very helpful when I'm in the midst of an emotional "soup".
Mike
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Thank you Desserteyes,
I really appreciate your words. Sometimes I know these things but they are deep inside and I can't see them till someone shows me. I've been doing a whole lot of thinking about it. I have decided that since my dad's probebly not going too live but maybye a few years that I should try to detach from my anger & resentments or else suffer the consequences after he is gone.
I feel bad for my sister carrying all the load so far. I feel I should help her. I love and respect my sister and it pains me for her to carry this load alone.
I actually called my dad today, he told me he is scared of what the biopsy results will be. It makes me sad. There was none of the typical attitude I have come to expect from him over the years. There is just a sad, elderly man who is scared out of his wits. Somehow the demon is a lot smaller than I imagined in my head. We didn't talk about the past, I have a feeling he knows more than I give him credit for. I think I can do this if I face it one day at a time, all I have to do is deal with one day, today.
I knew it was tough being a parant, I have 3 kiddos, sometimes I think it is rougher being a child.
Thanks again, it helps so much just knowing I am not alone,
Many hugs,
Teggie
I really appreciate your words. Sometimes I know these things but they are deep inside and I can't see them till someone shows me. I've been doing a whole lot of thinking about it. I have decided that since my dad's probebly not going too live but maybye a few years that I should try to detach from my anger & resentments or else suffer the consequences after he is gone.
I feel bad for my sister carrying all the load so far. I feel I should help her. I love and respect my sister and it pains me for her to carry this load alone.
I actually called my dad today, he told me he is scared of what the biopsy results will be. It makes me sad. There was none of the typical attitude I have come to expect from him over the years. There is just a sad, elderly man who is scared out of his wits. Somehow the demon is a lot smaller than I imagined in my head. We didn't talk about the past, I have a feeling he knows more than I give him credit for. I think I can do this if I face it one day at a time, all I have to do is deal with one day, today.
I knew it was tough being a parant, I have 3 kiddos, sometimes I think it is rougher being a child.
Thanks again, it helps so much just knowing I am not alone,
Many hugs,
Teggie
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
My sister and I grew up in a toxic alcoholic environment.
One thing we both know about each other: she is better at dealing with some aspects of our relationship with our parents and I am better at dealing with other aspects.
Was she helping you take care of your mom? Perhaps she finds it easier to relate to/deal with your dad, so to her it isn't a problem. Perhaps she's sitting there thinking she 'should' be helping you with your mom.
The 'shoulds' will eat you alive. If you want to call your dad, or if you think it will be in your best interest, that's a different story. But there are very few 'shoulds' in this life that hold water.
hrm. that's not making much sense, but I hope you get my drift. I haven't had my coffee yet.
And Mike - you're a turkey! I love it!
One thing we both know about each other: she is better at dealing with some aspects of our relationship with our parents and I am better at dealing with other aspects.
Was she helping you take care of your mom? Perhaps she finds it easier to relate to/deal with your dad, so to her it isn't a problem. Perhaps she's sitting there thinking she 'should' be helping you with your mom.
The 'shoulds' will eat you alive. If you want to call your dad, or if you think it will be in your best interest, that's a different story. But there are very few 'shoulds' in this life that hold water.
hrm. that's not making much sense, but I hope you get my drift. I haven't had my coffee yet.
And Mike - you're a turkey! I love it!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Festus Mo
Posts: 3
Hi (((((((Teggie))))))))
My heart pours out to you !!!!We have alto in common although our roles are a little different, as I am the caregiver of my ailing addicted mother and my brother is detached.
I will tell you this, I have just began to understand why it is that he needs to detach, leaving me to feel somewhat alone in caring for my mother. I can tell you that one thing we as the caregivers need when we are the ones doing the hands on, and it is alot of love from the sibling that is'nt able for their own reasons to be as much physical help as we would like.
It is important for your sibling to know that you are there for them, and that you are not detaching from them. They need to feel a good support system from you, so that they can continue in their role.
If you are not able to do that at this time for your dad, please let your sibling feel your appreciation for all that they do. It will make you as well as them feel better. Siblings need to assume their individual roles, and there is no shame in that, just be there for each other. TAKE CARE
NOLAN
My heart pours out to you !!!!We have alto in common although our roles are a little different, as I am the caregiver of my ailing addicted mother and my brother is detached.
I will tell you this, I have just began to understand why it is that he needs to detach, leaving me to feel somewhat alone in caring for my mother. I can tell you that one thing we as the caregivers need when we are the ones doing the hands on, and it is alot of love from the sibling that is'nt able for their own reasons to be as much physical help as we would like.
It is important for your sibling to know that you are there for them, and that you are not detaching from them. They need to feel a good support system from you, so that they can continue in their role.
If you are not able to do that at this time for your dad, please let your sibling feel your appreciation for all that they do. It will make you as well as them feel better. Siblings need to assume their individual roles, and there is no shame in that, just be there for each other. TAKE CARE
NOLAN
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Im also the Adult Child of an Alcoholic Mother.
I spent years and years where you are now and feeling all those feelings. I would never suggest to anyone to bury those emotions ... instead I had to pull them out and deal with them. I had to put it in the correct perspective.
I was also angry with my Father for "allowing" this to happen, for allowing her to hurt us and himself... being a daddy's girl that was a hard pill to swallow. I spent alot of time angry with my Sister and Brother because I did not think it fair that my Brother would detach and walk away after breaking up the fights... My sister would run and hide... and I would stand there and take it, physical, verbal and mental abuse.
What ended up happening is this... I found I was angry and it ate me alive in all areas of my life. I was more dysfunctional then the family I grew up in.... I gave birth to my daughter and realized that I could not raise a functional/loving child if I could not get over my issues. See they were my issues cuz no one but myself was suffering from them. My Mom and Dad were still married and very much in love, My Mom still drank, my sister was still a runner and my brother is still the one that takes care of only the problem at hand, the difference is they were happy with the way they were.
I have since "forgiven" my family, they did the best they could do with what they had to work with. I have forgiven my Mother... she has a disease and did not choose to have it... no she did not get help but because of recovery and reading alot... I can seperate the disease from the person. I can accept and even see the beauty in the people they became. Most of all I started to see the beauty of who I became... I became proud of myself for stepping out and taking the harder path... and learning from it and coming through the other side... Im learning to love and appreciate myself... If I had not gone through that I could not have been here and helping other people.
Working through it is what has helped me. I used Theraphy, Al-anon, Open AA meetings, SR and a heck of a lot of reading. One book that helped alot was "Under the Influence". I made the choice that I dont want to hate. Then I had to figure out how to get there.
Take care of you hon.
I spent years and years where you are now and feeling all those feelings. I would never suggest to anyone to bury those emotions ... instead I had to pull them out and deal with them. I had to put it in the correct perspective.
I was also angry with my Father for "allowing" this to happen, for allowing her to hurt us and himself... being a daddy's girl that was a hard pill to swallow. I spent alot of time angry with my Sister and Brother because I did not think it fair that my Brother would detach and walk away after breaking up the fights... My sister would run and hide... and I would stand there and take it, physical, verbal and mental abuse.
What ended up happening is this... I found I was angry and it ate me alive in all areas of my life. I was more dysfunctional then the family I grew up in.... I gave birth to my daughter and realized that I could not raise a functional/loving child if I could not get over my issues. See they were my issues cuz no one but myself was suffering from them. My Mom and Dad were still married and very much in love, My Mom still drank, my sister was still a runner and my brother is still the one that takes care of only the problem at hand, the difference is they were happy with the way they were.
I have since "forgiven" my family, they did the best they could do with what they had to work with. I have forgiven my Mother... she has a disease and did not choose to have it... no she did not get help but because of recovery and reading alot... I can seperate the disease from the person. I can accept and even see the beauty in the people they became. Most of all I started to see the beauty of who I became... I became proud of myself for stepping out and taking the harder path... and learning from it and coming through the other side... Im learning to love and appreciate myself... If I had not gone through that I could not have been here and helping other people.
Working through it is what has helped me. I used Theraphy, Al-anon, Open AA meetings, SR and a heck of a lot of reading. One book that helped alot was "Under the Influence". I made the choice that I dont want to hate. Then I had to figure out how to get there.
Take care of you hon.
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