scootboy

Hello,

I have recently found this forum and am excited about the possibilities that may come from it. Here is my situation. I am married to an acoa. Initially I knew this, but didn’t think that it would come into play. However, 18 years later it is more ominous than ever, and looking back, it has always been there. My main concern is how to deal with this on my level. I am not sure that she wants nor would even consider therapy or support groups.--as she thinks she has everything “under control”. We recently became a “long distance relationship” couple when she wanted to take a job 5 hours away to get some things paid off, and finish some business she had built up before she left the job in 2001. This is ok with me, but I after reading the 13 traits, I see many of them in her--including the perfectionism, taking themselves too seriously, and overreacting to things that she doesn’t have control over. She is a very caring and loyal person and I truly love her, but every 6 months or so, she has a meltdown of sorts and has to be by herself and questions her marriage decision and other decisions and then comes out of it as if nothing ever happened. I don’t want to paint of picture of her being “crazy” because she is definitely not. She is very successful in business and is very driven, but has a very difficult time showing her feelings. I am not an alcoholic, nor from a family of alcoholics (although we did have our issues!), so I am a little out in the cold regarding her actions. Her dad was an alcoholic, but has been sober for probably 20+ years, and she gets along very well with him. My biggest concern is regarding our relationship. When I ask her for a time frame on her current job, she can’t give an exact or even approximate time. I am a guy, and would love an exact date, but know that is a lot to ask. I know that she is not choosing her career over me, but feel that I am not getting the affection that I would like in this relationship. We have discussed this and she knows how I feel. Understand too, that we do not have major marital problems, as we get along great together, it is just certain periods and her seemingly strong desire to succeed in this job.

At any rate, sorry for such a long post, but any help from someone who has been through something like this, or can give me a perspective from her side would be very much appreciated.

Thanks in advance!

best

Being a guy and having my own issues with alcohol, the first place I look is at her as the reason for the problems. Her being an ACOA molded her into who she is but I found that the things I can control are the only things I can do something about...me. Our relationship improved every time I worked on me. Our relationship started going south every time I started getting selfish. The best thing I was able to do for us both... Put her needs first before my own and correct my own selfish nature. Such things as... I like this...she should like this as well. What I found is.. her likes and dislikes are not the same as mine in every area. Some areas they are the same, some they are not.
By finding out what her likes are and getting away from my selfish nature and seeking to fill her needs, I have found that...
A happy wife equals a happy life.

I am not you and I am not implying that you are selfish as I was. Just sharing what I found in my own space. Key point though... change and look at areas we can change...start with self.

emz282

hi as an acoa myself i can relate alot to your wife...she sounds very much like my sister (she has the opinion of bury it dont think about it and it goes away?) the meltdowns you describe show that it doesnt
i think its this huge self doubt of yourself. and your desision making...when your raised by alcs you think its perfectly normal until you get a little older and realise that things you believe to be true are not?
whats to say the things she beleives to be tru now are??
does that make sense ? just my thoughts anyway
emz x

fairyprincess

I would hope that being an acoa wife myself that maybe I could shed a little light in your direction....first we all have our coping mechanisms...whether we are acoa or not...the thing is to find the most positive ones. Being drivin...type A...or workaholic...seems a bit much to deal with, but remember that out of these types come doctors, lawyers, etc...people we depend upon in crisis situations. Husbands tend to feel pushed away, or emotionally distant from these women, my husband does also. It is not that we don't feel deep emotion, we do not express these in main stream ways...but to us taking care of things, the house, the finances, the daily things, these are safe ways to say to you that we care and we appreciate what you do for us. It may be odd, but these are the ways we express emotion...safe ways. It does not mean that what we feel is any less, we just express it different. We also need personal space. The less dependent I feel, the less pressure put upon me to fit that mushy emotionally close persona, the more I open up and the more interactive I become. Most important, nurture the inner child. The more unconditional your acceptance is, the closer and more trusted you will become....I hope these thoughts have helped.....

howzat

Scootman, Did you ever get a handle on the issues you experience?
I'm in the same boat and the thoughts people provided only partially answered my many questions.

Kialua

Hi howzat welcome. I think the original poster is long gone, he only has one post and this is it. Keep reading around here and you will see many others in your same situation. I am acoa woman but not in this situation. I do think women in general have meltdowns, all my friends do. Maybe you should start your own thread or post another explanation of what you are going through if you would like.