Missing My Mother
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Salt Lake City, Utah
Posts: 3
Missing My Mother
My mother is an addict. It has taken me 28 years to admit that. I have been trained my whole life to make excuses for her. I am so scared to face this. It seems too big. She has been abussing perscription drugs for as long as I can remember. When she was in her early Twenties she developed lower back problems causing cronic pain. She has had 8 surgeries on her back. Her doctors have completly fussed together her lower spine.
I grew up watching my mother have surgery after surgery, and taking pills for the pain. I thought this was normal for someone in her condition. My father tried so hard to help her with her pain. We were all walking on egg shells. It got so bad that he started to take his frustration out on us physically. I think that really scared him. He didn't want to be that person, so he left. He left us with her. I hate him for that. Now I have grown up, moved out, started a life of my own, and struggled with my own addictions, bulimia and anorexia. And still lived in denial that my mother is addicted to her pain medication, even in the face of several overdoses and two DUI's.
In the last year things have really gotten bad. I can't pretend anymore. I need to help myself and I can't do that unless I face that for most of my childhood I did not have a "mother" I have had an addict taking care of me. And I am so desperate for a mother that I was willing to put up with an addict. About a year and a half ago she had another surgery this time for problems with her intestine. So she has been hitting the drugs pretty hard. She always has a pain patch on her chest, and takes pills on top of that. She has become very thin. I have never seen her this bad. I see all these bottles at her house, and I am scared to even look at what she is taking. My sisters and I have been meeting together to try figure out how to help her. She recently passed out at work and got fired. Soon she will have no place to live. I fear there is nothing I can do for her. But what if she hurts herself or someone else driving? This past summer when she got her last DUI they arrested her and took her car. She asked me to help her get her car so she could continue to drive to work. I refussed. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I still don't know if it was the right thing to do. I knew she would find a way to get her car back. I just could'nt do it. I am new at this. I feel I am just begining and I don't want to do anything that could make it worse. Please, if you have any advice for my sisters and I. We would be very greatfull.
I grew up watching my mother have surgery after surgery, and taking pills for the pain. I thought this was normal for someone in her condition. My father tried so hard to help her with her pain. We were all walking on egg shells. It got so bad that he started to take his frustration out on us physically. I think that really scared him. He didn't want to be that person, so he left. He left us with her. I hate him for that. Now I have grown up, moved out, started a life of my own, and struggled with my own addictions, bulimia and anorexia. And still lived in denial that my mother is addicted to her pain medication, even in the face of several overdoses and two DUI's.
In the last year things have really gotten bad. I can't pretend anymore. I need to help myself and I can't do that unless I face that for most of my childhood I did not have a "mother" I have had an addict taking care of me. And I am so desperate for a mother that I was willing to put up with an addict. About a year and a half ago she had another surgery this time for problems with her intestine. So she has been hitting the drugs pretty hard. She always has a pain patch on her chest, and takes pills on top of that. She has become very thin. I have never seen her this bad. I see all these bottles at her house, and I am scared to even look at what she is taking. My sisters and I have been meeting together to try figure out how to help her. She recently passed out at work and got fired. Soon she will have no place to live. I fear there is nothing I can do for her. But what if she hurts herself or someone else driving? This past summer when she got her last DUI they arrested her and took her car. She asked me to help her get her car so she could continue to drive to work. I refussed. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I still don't know if it was the right thing to do. I knew she would find a way to get her car back. I just could'nt do it. I am new at this. I feel I am just begining and I don't want to do anything that could make it worse. Please, if you have any advice for my sisters and I. We would be very greatfull.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Nearby
Posts: 231
(((Sonja))) I am so sorry you're in this position. There are people on this board much better equipped than I am to help. Hang in there, they'll be along.
Alanon helped me. There are ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) meetings but I've attended those. They sound very good.
I believe the most important thing you can do is to take care of yourself. That may mean detaching from the addict.
Good luck to you!!
Alanon helped me. There are ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) meetings but I've attended those. They sound very good.
I believe the most important thing you can do is to take care of yourself. That may mean detaching from the addict.
Good luck to you!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Sonja,
I am so glad you are here. Please feel free to share whenever you need to, people log on at different times of day so you might want to check this thread from time to time to read what others have to say.
First of all, although my mom was not an addict, my son is and alot of the things that go on in families with this disease are the same.
Have you attended any of the meetings mentioned in the previous posts? If not, please give them a try. It may seem strange at first but there are so many who share your experience or at least something very similar and you can learn from them.
It's good that you are realizing what has been going on with your mom and I am sure that many adult children begin to 'see' things that they never did while growing up. I know in many situations in my own family I needed to step back a bit to understand some stuff that occured when I was younger.
I think you are very close to finding the recovery you need for yourself,
which has to take first priority.
If I lose 'me' then there is one less support for the rest of my family. It sounds selfish but I must take care of myself first and foremost so I will not be dragged down further by what others choose to do. The anon programs help with this and this site will help as well.
I can't tell you what you and your sisters should or should not do for your mom... but I know if you get yourself into recovery these things will become more clear for you to decide.
Please read all the sticky's at the top of the forum page here... alot of your questions may be answered there.
By not helping your mom get her car back- you were actually doing what is called detaching... and allowing the person to face their own consequences. You did not enable her to continue to drive drunk which I think was the right thing to do- but as you said, she found a way on her own. This is typical behavior and will continue until your mom reaches her bottom or low point in her addiction and is ready for help.
Once again, Welcome to SR... there are always people here who care.
You are not alone.
I am so glad you are here. Please feel free to share whenever you need to, people log on at different times of day so you might want to check this thread from time to time to read what others have to say.
First of all, although my mom was not an addict, my son is and alot of the things that go on in families with this disease are the same.
Have you attended any of the meetings mentioned in the previous posts? If not, please give them a try. It may seem strange at first but there are so many who share your experience or at least something very similar and you can learn from them.
It's good that you are realizing what has been going on with your mom and I am sure that many adult children begin to 'see' things that they never did while growing up. I know in many situations in my own family I needed to step back a bit to understand some stuff that occured when I was younger.
I think you are very close to finding the recovery you need for yourself,
which has to take first priority.
If I lose 'me' then there is one less support for the rest of my family. It sounds selfish but I must take care of myself first and foremost so I will not be dragged down further by what others choose to do. The anon programs help with this and this site will help as well.
I can't tell you what you and your sisters should or should not do for your mom... but I know if you get yourself into recovery these things will become more clear for you to decide.
Please read all the sticky's at the top of the forum page here... alot of your questions may be answered there.
By not helping your mom get her car back- you were actually doing what is called detaching... and allowing the person to face their own consequences. You did not enable her to continue to drive drunk which I think was the right thing to do- but as you said, she found a way on her own. This is typical behavior and will continue until your mom reaches her bottom or low point in her addiction and is ready for help.
Once again, Welcome to SR... there are always people here who care.
You are not alone.
Hug giver-outer!
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: The State of Possibilities
Posts: 533
Hi, Sonja. I am a mod here at SR on the naranon forum, the forum for friend and family of addicts. So, I would love to extend a welcome to naranon if you would like to share your story there too. There are people there who have mothers, fathers, wifes, husband, sons, daughters, sisters, brothers and any other relative or friend you can think of. While we are not all addicts ourselves, there are several who are recovered or recovering addicts and the rest of us codependents of addicts and seriously victims of the disease of addiction.
I am so sorry for your situation and I feel your pain. My 25 yr old daughter is the addict in my life, and as a mother, that is the ultimate fear. But for you, as a daughter, having a mother who is an addict has got to be an unbelievable burden. And for you to get to the point of "acceptance", I know that realization has to hurt like a fresh wound.
Please feel free to join us there so you can become part of our family and help YOU with your recovery - from the pain and the buren of your mother's addiction. A loved one's addiction affects so much more than the addict. It places an unreal burden on the family, especially grown children.
We welcome you with a hug and do not want you to feel alone anymore. Come walk with all of us. We can tend to be a crazy bunch of people but we are all in the same boat - looking to heal and find a better place for us.
hugs,
marteen
I am so sorry for your situation and I feel your pain. My 25 yr old daughter is the addict in my life, and as a mother, that is the ultimate fear. But for you, as a daughter, having a mother who is an addict has got to be an unbelievable burden. And for you to get to the point of "acceptance", I know that realization has to hurt like a fresh wound.
Please feel free to join us there so you can become part of our family and help YOU with your recovery - from the pain and the buren of your mother's addiction. A loved one's addiction affects so much more than the addict. It places an unreal burden on the family, especially grown children.
We welcome you with a hug and do not want you to feel alone anymore. Come walk with all of us. We can tend to be a crazy bunch of people but we are all in the same boat - looking to heal and find a better place for us.
hugs,
marteen
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Welcome Sonja,
I'm sorry your family has been a victim of addiction.
I'd like to echo marteen's invitation to join us in Naranon (thats where I hang out)
You may find that although we all have a little different stories, we share so very much.
And meetings could be a godsend to you and your sisters.
YOU deserve a happy life Sonja.
My heart breaks for your mom, and for you and your sisters, but all of the worry and tears in the world can't make her do something she's not ready to do.
You didn't cause any of this
You can't control it and you can't cure it.
But you can step back a few steps and begin to heal.
You're worth it.
Hope to see you around
((((hugs)))
Cece
I'm sorry your family has been a victim of addiction.
I'd like to echo marteen's invitation to join us in Naranon (thats where I hang out)
You may find that although we all have a little different stories, we share so very much.
And meetings could be a godsend to you and your sisters.
YOU deserve a happy life Sonja.
My heart breaks for your mom, and for you and your sisters, but all of the worry and tears in the world can't make her do something she's not ready to do.
You didn't cause any of this
You can't control it and you can't cure it.
But you can step back a few steps and begin to heal.
You're worth it.
Hope to see you around
((((hugs)))
Cece
Still Standing
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
Sonja,
I want to welcome you also, to the SR board. I want to back up what Marteen said about you coming over to the Naranon forum here. You will get the support, encouragement & understanding there, that you really do need right now.
I want you to know that I can understand to a point about what you are feeling with your Mom being an addict. I don't believe that I've ever said this here before because I've never been sure and I've felt guilty for thinking this, but I believe that my Mother is an addict too. I am 51 now though and our situation is different. My mother has chronic pain and has had for alot of years, but this all came about after I was grown and my mother hasn't driven an automobile since then and she is on disability. I can picture what you are describing though, because I can't imagine my mother ever driving a car or trying to hold down a job while under the influence of all the meds she takes. She's overdosed a couple of times to where she had to go to the hospital but it's always decided that it's the Drs. fault for prescribing her too much and she was only doing what the Dr. told her to.
I'm sorry that I really don't have any advice for you and your sisters. My sisters and brothers & I have all gone through alot dealing with our Mom, especially since our Daddy died, but she has just always had everyone understanding that she is in so much pain that even the medicine doesn't fix it so what would she do without the meds since it would be even worse than it is now. She's considered disabled and I lived with her for a while until I had to get out because she almost literally drove me insane and then she lived with one of my sisters until she almost drove her literally insane and now she lives with another one of my sisters and that sister has a twin that lives right down the road. They have been taking care of her for the last few years and now she's 72 and so that's that. We just accept her like she is because we certainly can't change her. I'm so sorry that you and your sisters are having to deal with this at your young age. But where there is life, there is always hope. Please keep coming back here and venting.
I want to welcome you also, to the SR board. I want to back up what Marteen said about you coming over to the Naranon forum here. You will get the support, encouragement & understanding there, that you really do need right now.
I want you to know that I can understand to a point about what you are feeling with your Mom being an addict. I don't believe that I've ever said this here before because I've never been sure and I've felt guilty for thinking this, but I believe that my Mother is an addict too. I am 51 now though and our situation is different. My mother has chronic pain and has had for alot of years, but this all came about after I was grown and my mother hasn't driven an automobile since then and she is on disability. I can picture what you are describing though, because I can't imagine my mother ever driving a car or trying to hold down a job while under the influence of all the meds she takes. She's overdosed a couple of times to where she had to go to the hospital but it's always decided that it's the Drs. fault for prescribing her too much and she was only doing what the Dr. told her to.
I'm sorry that I really don't have any advice for you and your sisters. My sisters and brothers & I have all gone through alot dealing with our Mom, especially since our Daddy died, but she has just always had everyone understanding that she is in so much pain that even the medicine doesn't fix it so what would she do without the meds since it would be even worse than it is now. She's considered disabled and I lived with her for a while until I had to get out because she almost literally drove me insane and then she lived with one of my sisters until she almost drove her literally insane and now she lives with another one of my sisters and that sister has a twin that lives right down the road. They have been taking care of her for the last few years and now she's 72 and so that's that. We just accept her like she is because we certainly can't change her. I'm so sorry that you and your sisters are having to deal with this at your young age. But where there is life, there is always hope. Please keep coming back here and venting.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Oh Sonja, your post toudhed my heart so much. The very first addict/alcoholic in my life was my mom. I can hear the pain in you so clearly.
I grew up and left home before my mom got sober, and I was left with a lot of anger that kept popping up and out in weird, unexpected ways.
When my own two children developed addiction, I got into Alanon. One of meetings I attended had an "Adult Child" focus (that was how it was listed in the Alanon schedule); but to be honest - I got just as much help from my regular Alanon meetings.
In fact, long before I was able to change my behavior with my kids - the ones who got me to Alanon - long before that, I actually changed my behavior with my mom and my sister. Those relationships improved and have only gotten better over time.
I have come to see both my parents as child-like... perhaps they didn't parent me the way I believe the should have, but I do believe they were doing the best they knew how to do with the tools that they had at the time.
That realization did not come about at my first Alanon meeting... it took lots and lots of meetings, and reading some of the literature from the meetings before things started to get a little better.
If there is a meeting in your town this week, I would urge you to give them a try... maybe try 4 or 5 meetings after that - the program is subtle, but the relief I felt was wonderful and I was glad to let go of some of my pain.
((((Sonja)))))
I grew up and left home before my mom got sober, and I was left with a lot of anger that kept popping up and out in weird, unexpected ways.
When my own two children developed addiction, I got into Alanon. One of meetings I attended had an "Adult Child" focus (that was how it was listed in the Alanon schedule); but to be honest - I got just as much help from my regular Alanon meetings.
In fact, long before I was able to change my behavior with my kids - the ones who got me to Alanon - long before that, I actually changed my behavior with my mom and my sister. Those relationships improved and have only gotten better over time.
I have come to see both my parents as child-like... perhaps they didn't parent me the way I believe the should have, but I do believe they were doing the best they knew how to do with the tools that they had at the time.
That realization did not come about at my first Alanon meeting... it took lots and lots of meetings, and reading some of the literature from the meetings before things started to get a little better.
If there is a meeting in your town this week, I would urge you to give them a try... maybe try 4 or 5 meetings after that - the program is subtle, but the relief I felt was wonderful and I was glad to let go of some of my pain.
((((Sonja)))))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: pass the bon bons
Posts: 2,363
i will pray for healing for you and your family...especially your mom...i know what it's like to have an addict mother(and i loved her very much...as i'm sure you do...which makes it so much harder)...and i am an addict mother...recovering from painkiller addiction and trying to repair lots of damage....i've been sober for over a month and sr helped me realise i had a big problem while i was still taking small doses...before i escalated the way i know it would have if i had not gotten help...but i know the hold those drugs can have over a person and i know that until you are ready to admit you have a problem...you can not be helped...i am so sorry for your problems and i hope your mother finds a way to help herself...and that you find the strength to realise that , sadly, there is nothing you can do until she does...once again you are in my prayers
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Sonja, welcome. I am so sorry you are going through such pain. Naranon has helped me to deal with the pain that loving an addict has brought to my life. I became so wrapped up in trying to fix it that I became very sick. Naranon has helped me heal.
Prayers for you and you mom and sisters. I hope you will come visit us on the freinds and family forums.
Prayers for you and you mom and sisters. I hope you will come visit us on the freinds and family forums.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Salt Lake City, Utah
Posts: 3
Thank you so much for your thoughts. It feels so good to be here. I can't tell you relief it is to hear your stories. Not only do I feel less alone, but I am starting to feel like there is hope for me. I have been terrified to go to a meeting. I have looked up Alonon meetings in my area, but I have not been able to bring myself to go. But now I think I am going to try it. Wish me luck. I think I will try out the Naranon Forum you guys seem like a good group. You have a wonderful support system here. Right now having people to talk to means everything to me. Thanks, I feel like I have been hugged
Community Greeter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Mid-Life Express
Posts: 9,930
Welcome Sonja, no you are not alone and as the others said with all the people on the boards living in different time zones, it doesn't take long for someone to read a post and try to help out. I hope that you will stay and meet many more friends who are or who have ben in your situation.
indigo here is another hug from me
indigo here is another hug from me
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: northeastern California
Posts: 80
I welcome you, too, Sonja... My heart goes all out to you since I was raised by alcoholic parents. My father was a violent, cruel alcoholic and I hated him. I was angry at my mother for not leaving him. Needless to say, I needed help and I got it through lots of AA-meetings, Al-Anon meetings, ACoA meetings, and sharing on the message boards.
Letting-go-with-compassion was about the hardest experience for me, but this helped me to concentrate on getting myself well. Alcoholism and Addiction is a family disease, Sonja. Through the meetings and 2 sponsors and the fantastic members, I was blessed with strength and courage to deal with life on life's terms. My parents are gone for awhile now.
I wish you strength and courage as well. Please keep coming back to share. We care.
Big warm Hugs,
Luv
Letting-go-with-compassion was about the hardest experience for me, but this helped me to concentrate on getting myself well. Alcoholism and Addiction is a family disease, Sonja. Through the meetings and 2 sponsors and the fantastic members, I was blessed with strength and courage to deal with life on life's terms. My parents are gone for awhile now.
I wish you strength and courage as well. Please keep coming back to share. We care.
Big warm Hugs,
Luv
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Salt Lake City, Utah
Posts: 3
I think I messed up
I have just spent the last week taking care of one of my sisters who just had a surgery. I got home last night, and today I got a phone call from my sister saying that one of her bottles of pain medication is missing, and my mother had been to see her. When I left I thought that I should hide the medications in case my mom cames to vist. I should have done it. I just can't believe that she would take her own daughters medication. After all of the information you all have given me. I should know better. I got so angry that I confronted my mother. She denied it, and gave me a huge guilt trip. She went on about how much pain she is in hinting that she wants die, because her children don't trust her. It tore me up. I can't take this anymore. I knew she would never tell me if she took the pills, I just wanted her to know that I know whats going on. I am so sick of pretending that nothing is wrong. Being forced to watch her self distruct. I am done. Please tell me. Did I mess things up? I don't trust myself when I am angry. It has been such a comfort to have this outlet. Your stories have touched me so much. I can feel things shifting in my family and I am so scared.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello Sonja, and glad to meet you. Sorry I haven't replied to you sooner, I've been out of town and dealing with some personal issues.
No, you did _not_ mess up. You do not have a crystal ball with which to predict the actions of an addict. One of the things you will hear again and again around here is how unpredictable they can be.
I know that feeling. Around here we call it "sick and tired of being sick and tired".
In my "toxic family" things shifted all the time, and it was always bad. The reason they shifted is because my parents were alcoholics and their behavior was random, so there was always chaos and pain.
Now that I am an adult when things shift it's because _I_ choose to shift them, and they are no longer the result of chaos. I think that in your personal life things are also shifting, but just like with me it's because _you_ choose to make improvements. That means that the results will be healthy and positive.
I think you're idea of hiding your sisters meds is good. Perhaps you may want to take it a little further and have your sister stay with you for awhile until she can hide the meds herself. Or better yet, change the locks and don't let your mother in the house until your sister is well enough to care for herself.
When I reached the point of "sick and tired" with my alcoholic parents I just refused to let them near my children. My parents were dangerous and harmful and my job as a parent was to protect the little ones. It was difficult at first, but I held to that boundary and they never hurt my kids.
Please let us know how you and your sister are doing. Also feel free to visit the "Friends and Family" and the "nar-anon" forums here, there's lots of great information there.
I'm praying for you, your sister, and for your Mom too.
Mike
Originally Posted by Sonja
... Please tell me. Did I mess things up? ...
Originally Posted by Sonja
... I am so sick of pretending that nothing is wrong. Being forced to watch her self distruct. I am done...
Originally Posted by Sonja
... I can feel things shifting in my family and I am so scared. ...
Now that I am an adult when things shift it's because _I_ choose to shift them, and they are no longer the result of chaos. I think that in your personal life things are also shifting, but just like with me it's because _you_ choose to make improvements. That means that the results will be healthy and positive.
I think you're idea of hiding your sisters meds is good. Perhaps you may want to take it a little further and have your sister stay with you for awhile until she can hide the meds herself. Or better yet, change the locks and don't let your mother in the house until your sister is well enough to care for herself.
When I reached the point of "sick and tired" with my alcoholic parents I just refused to let them near my children. My parents were dangerous and harmful and my job as a parent was to protect the little ones. It was difficult at first, but I held to that boundary and they never hurt my kids.
Please let us know how you and your sister are doing. Also feel free to visit the "Friends and Family" and the "nar-anon" forums here, there's lots of great information there.
I'm praying for you, your sister, and for your Mom too.
Mike
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
